Whether in the office full time, at-home full time, or somewhere in the anxiety inducing middle, caring for your Exhausted Parent (Subspecies: Exhaustedus Parentis) is a big responsibility for any toddler. Like any pet, they require plenty of dedication, extra helpings of love, and the occasional glass of wine. But with proper care and feeding, you can ensure that your Exhausted Parent has a bright future of sleepless nights because you just had to have one more glass of water.
Habitat:
The Exhausted Parent’s habitat is essential in their long-term happiness. They require an enclosure of at least ten by ten of personal space that can be invaded constantly. This space should also have plenty of room for a couch with ripped cushions, a carpet with mystery stains, and dust so thick because who has time to clean anymore. Feel free to further decorate the habitat with half eaten sticky candy that is glued onto various surfaces.
Also note that the Exhausted Parent requires places to lurk and hide away such as a bathroom with a strong door that can be constantly banged on by little fists asking what’s for dinner. For their sleeping quarters, also make sure they have plenty of access to hay and mismatched bedding so that they can make a nest and forget about today.
Feeding:
A varied diet is one of the biggest challenges in properly taking care of an Exhausted Parent. Healthy options such as greens, proteins, and nachos should be part of their regular diet. Furthermore, you may supplement their diet by offering the occasional beverage that has some sort of umbrella attached.
Do not feed your Exhausted Parent hard to swallow food stuffs such as their depleted ego when they mess up, which may occasionally happen. Instead, put yourself to bed at night while offering them another plate of nachos.
For a special treat, make them breakfast in bed with burnt toast. Although not delicious, do not be surprised if your Exhausted Parent breaks down in tears of joy that someone else took the time to cook.
Environmental Enrichment:
The Exhausted Parent has a very full and busy life; therefore, it is imperative that owners give special attention to their mental health. By making a few simple changes, you can ensure your Exhausted Parent is living their best life. A sensory deprivation tank will give them a chance to forget about their bills for a day. If a sensory deprivation tank is too costly at the moment because college costs keep rising, you may also fill the bathtub with warm water and provide them with cheesecake.
You may also find that the Exhausted Parent will appreciate a punching bag in the basement to help them work out some issues they’ve been hanging onto for years. Also, it is a scientific fact that the Exhausted Parent will not seek out their own therapy so check with your vet and make an appointment if you notice them rooting in the yard.
Socialization:
The wide world can be quite scary for the Exhausted Parent. If they’ve spent too much time on social media, they may be timid and refuse to set foot outside the house. Although it’s natural for many Exhausted Parents to be introverted by nature, total seclusion is not recommended. Set up regular playdates for your Exhausted Parent so that they may learn how to talk to other Exhausted Parents about diaper rash.
Should you notice that your Exhausted Parent is becoming aggressive with others, give a quick pull on their leash and redirect their energy to a positive interaction such as The Great British Baking Show.
Health Tips:
From time to time, your clumsy Exhausted will have nasty little bumps into inflation that may cause their bank account to bleed. Don’t worry, this happens to all Exhausted Parents, especially when they see their energy and grocery bills.
To treat, wrap them in a warm weighted blanket and give them plenty of hugs. Occasionally kiss their bumps and bruises and let them know that everything will get easier. Should they require more care, take them to a beach and administer Pina Coladas as needed.
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The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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