Parenting Expert: Hi, welcome to your interview to see if you’re ready to be a father. Glad you could make it out today.
New Father: What? I don’t understand what’s going on. It’s 3 am.
Parenting Expert: Excellent, that’s a great start. You seem to be in the perfect mindset to be a father. Let’s continue. Your resume is indeed impressive. 25 years of age, a job, and a wallet. Ha, you’re going to need that. Tell me, what are your goals in life.
New Father: I can’t think straight. I’m so tired. I want to go back to sleep.
Parenting Expert: Great. Great. Sleep is indeed a lofty goal. I’ve been with the fathering world for 13 years and man, we all want the sleep. But I do appreciate that can-do attitude. Ok, let’s move on to bathroom time. Would you say that you value your time on the toilet?
New Father: Um, yeah. Sure. It’s pretty cool, I guess.
Parenting Expert: Are you prepared to give it up? I mean, the privacy, pooping with the door open or facing the wrath of a two-year-old that is suffering from separation anxiety. It’s really standard procedure. Sometimes they light things on fire just to spice things up a bit.
New Father: Oh, God.
Parenting Expert: He can’t help you now. But, rest assured there will come a time when the children grow up a bit and you hide in the bathroom as it is your last refuge of quiet. Tell me, how long can you sit on the toilet before your legs go numb?
New Father: Five minutes.
Parenting Expert: Well, you are going to have to work on that. It’s ok, we have a new training program that is called “experience” that will quickly get you up to speed. Speaking of speed, let’s talk about diaper changes. What’s your fastest time?
New Father: Well, I did one the other day that took a couple of minutes.
Parenting Expert: Hmm, ok. Was your mother-in-law standing over your shoulder giving you friendly advice and telling you to give the kid whiskey? And was someone else over the other shoulder just telling you that you were doing it wrong?
New Father: Yeah. Yeah. I remember that part.
Parenting Expert: And how did you handle it?
New Father: I mean, I just changed the diaper. It’s not rocket science.
Parenting Expert: I like that can-do attitude. That’s the kind of gumption we need around here. But for the record, the whiskey is for you regardless of what Nana says. Now, free time. Do you have much of it?
New Father: I used to.
Parenting Expert: Well, the mental health of our new fathers is paramount to our long term goals here. Feel free to stay up past midnight because that is the only time no one is yelling at you. Although, please don’t abuse that privilege.
New Father: Ok.
Parenting Expert: Are you handy around the house?
New Father: I guess so. I mean, I can change a light bulb if that is what you’re asking.
Parenting Expert: Impressive. I mean, lightbulb changing is a good start. But can you explain to your children what a 401(K) is while also balancing it’s effects on a free market and making this relate to Paw Patrol? And if you can’t, would you be willing to spend hours researching Paw Patrol until you can come back and tell them something believable and then immediately answer another random question that a four-year-old will ask?
New Father: I guess so?
Parenting Expert: Ok, let’s roll play a little bit.
“Daddy, why are cows eating grass.” Now go–
New Father: Ok, um, I got this. Well, honey, they eat grass to…
Parenting Expert: “Do cows fart?”
New Father: Yes, honey. So, when they eat grass that makes their tummy…
Parenting Expert: “Daddy, I pooped int he car.”
New Father: That’s great, honey. Now back to the cows. You see…
Parenting Expert: “Daddy, what was the global impact of cows eating grass on the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1963?”
New Father: …
Parenting Expert: Yeah, that last one always gets the new fathers. You have to learn to be versatile. Keep yourself limber. We recommend getting up an hour early and doing some stretches prior to the kids waking up Ha, I joke. I joke. The kids are always awake.
New Father: Wow. Ok, I guess I’m learning that.
Parenting Expert: So, tell me. Why are you up at 3 am on a Tuesday. Besides this interview.
New Father: Well, I do the late-night feedings so my wife can get some rest. She’s always got the kid latched to her. So I wanted to be able to give her a break.
Parenting Expert: Is that the only reason?
New Father: Well, honestly, no. No one else is up at 3. Just me and my little girl. So we can just hang out and watch Star Trek while she eats. Yeah, I’m tired, but no one is looking over my shoulder or trying to tell me how it’s done. I mean, we can just be us, yeah?
Parenting Expert: …
New Father: Did I say something wrong?
Parenting Expert: No. Not at all. You’re going to be great at this. Welcome to the team.
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