Perhaps you didn’t know that I am a Narcissist.
If you’ve read me before you’ll already know that I’ve written about my father being a Narcissist. I realised only today that perhaps my mother is a Narcissist also. After a long drawn out conversation with a friend about how she was trying to combat random Narcissistic men that keep trying to contact and ask her all forms of lewd things, my friend began telling me about her mother and how she had NPD also.
It was a tangent, but nonetheless it’s something I hadn’t even considered, and led me onto a train of thought about my own mother. Maybe I’ll write a post on that one day.
I am a healed man; yet, I still have Narcissism. You see, I am still me. I haven’t changed, ever.
As any ex-alcoholic will tell you, the addictions you crave never leave the mind, we just substitute them for something less destructive. I myself have explored my creative side and have become addicted to content creation, which is far more productive then swilling a litre bottle of Smirnoff down my neck every day I can assure you. I have effort that I can look back on, and creation that I can call my own. It’s extremely satisfying.
But I’m still a Narcissist.
I’ve looked deep within myself over the last fifteen years; so much so that I’ve questioned things such as subjective morality, educated myself on human behavior, and existed entirely within the grey area of life. I have a full idea of how I got this far in the world with the situation I was born into and I’m about to let you into the secret:
It’s about balancing the scales.
It’s about accepting those places deep within yourself where you’re afraid to tread, places where even a moment’s thought of them can send you spiraling out of control. Yup, I’ve visited those places. It was hard, but it was essential to my recovery.
People like me rarely make it as far as I have because to do so you have to make the choice to be a better person. No, not when I am pleading with my mum for a second chance to clean my room type choice. An actual deep promise that no matter what happens.
I’ll stay on the road to recovery, and to actively choose to take that route for myself and no-one else.
I am a liar.
Yep. If I let myself, I could casually slip into a web of lies and deceit.
This was my life as a twenty-year-old. I had told so many convincing lies that I had invented stories alongside those untruths, and images had popped in my mind reminding me of how it all played out. I believed most of my own lies.
So much so that when I was trying to de-lie my life, I had to actively tell myself that certain lies were bullshit. I had spun an entire web of deceit and dishonesty so thick around my life and work that I eventually lost many friends and made many enemies as I came clean about everything.
I am still a liar.
But I actively make myself tell the truth 100% of the time. I have balanced the scales by being honest with everyone I meet — that way I never have to remember what I’ve said to people or concoct crazy stories in my mind to solidify falsehoods. You’ll never catch me telling a lie, and if you do then I’ll feel so terribly uncomfortable afterwards that I’ll have to come clean, because I’m not being true to myself.
Being true to myself is a priority.
People admire my honesty, but honesty for me came at a hefty price. I had to be a pathological liar and understand fully the carnage around me that my actions created to vow never to do it again.
I am an addict.
I will always be an addict. I’ve been addicted to most things in the past. I managed to quit all of them step by step as I adjusted my behavior, but I was unable to quit addiction.
I don’t smoke now but I use e-cigarettes. I don’t drink alcohol, but you can find me drinking my fair share of coffee. I don’t do drugs but the boost these gave me I have substituted for my writing to the world, and the elation is seeing my work on screen for the public to digest.
I will always be an addict. There is never a point in life when an addict is not an addict. This is sadly the case. As of late, I fear I’m becoming addicted to my work, and as much joy this brings me I feel I am neglected my family time, so I can’t wait for Christmas to come around the corner. I can finally have a rest and spend time with my wonderful family.
I crave validation in copious amounts.
A Narcissist craves validation. He (or she) will use whoever they are close to, to validate themselves in a big way. People with NPD can’t self-validate, this is why you will see that a NPD will have “followers” rather than friends or equals.
They believe they are better than everyone else around them. I believed I was nice, and most people around me weren’t as nice as me. I would get them to validate my worth by doing nice things for them
“You’re SO nice Raymond. You’re a good guy”
I’ve managed to find a way to validate myself to feed that urge. I will literally help anyone that asks me without want of return. I’ll do my utmost to help anyone in need that comes across my path; often without want of help which can sometimes be frustrating for the receiver. This way when I help then they can walk away happy and I can say to myself, “damn, Raymond, you’re a great guy.” I validate myself now.
I fear loss of control
As a young man, I had a tight web of control weaved throughout my friends and family and woe betide anyone that stepped outside of that control net. Prepare to be made to feel horribly guilty. Yes, this was my arsenal.
I used guilt like a nuclear missile and I was not ashamed to use it on anyone. I was the nicest guy anyone can meet. Why wouldn’t you help me? People didn’t usually step outside of my creepy web of control.
I control only myself now. I still have a supreme grip of control, but it is over my own actions rather than other people’s. I only ever have power over myself. That way I will never be disappointed by anyone else.
I’ve firmly balanced the scales
Through my own dedication to better myself, I have balanced the scales. At the beginning of my recovery, my counselor told me that it is better if you are aware of the situation because then you can set about changing it.
It was only through my strong determination and the good people that helped me on my journey that I managed to beat it.
But I’m still a Narcissist.
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