In our society, there’s pressure coming at us from two directions: one of them encourages us to “be yourself”, while the other one demands that we conform to societal expectations. How can we do both?
The truth is that we can’t. Not completely. Because conforming completely to what others expect is not going to help anyone, least of all you. It will create a deep sense of living a lie for the sake of others, which can lead to resentment and bitterness.
This is a dichotomy I believe is causing a lot of stress and self-image issues. On one hand, we can embrace our differences — the traits that make you, well, “you.” On the other hand, some people get annoyed when we show our true colours.
Let’s take a closer look at this issue.
Join the ‘be yourself’ camp
If you Google “just be yourself”, you’ll get more than 5 BILLION results. Clearly, the “be yourself” mantra has gained a lot of traction over the years.
But what does it actually mean? Well, I clicked on a top hit in the search results. It suggests that “being yourself” boils down to a few things:
• Rediscovering your inner child
• Becoming more aware of your thoughts
• Following your intuition
“Your authentic self is the real you that is beyond all of those conditioned beliefs and thinking patterns that you have accumulated throughout your life,” reads the article.
The author goes on to say that they have changed from being shy and angry, realizing they were acting a certain way to be accepted by others.
I get what they’re saying. However, there’s nothing inherently wrong with being shy, if that’s how you truly are. If you inner self wants to connect with more people and be more vocal, then listen to it.
Anger can also be okay in some situations, as it’s a catalyst for reform. (Obviously, walking around picking fights with strangers is not a healthy form of anger.) Anger is a normal way to express frustration or respond to injustice. But if you’re putting up an angry front to appear more dominant to others, then it’s time to drop the act.
I have accepted that I’m a surly person a lot of the time. Should we change because our natural mood patterns don’t work for someone else? Um, no. (However, if you suspect you’re depressed, get help. That’s mostly for your own benefit.)
The overwhelming pressure to ‘fit in’
Being accepted feels nice, and it’s what we’re encouraged to do from a young age. Make friends, play nice, be the person everyone wants to hang out with. But of course, there are compromises that need to be made to achieve this.
Contrary to what you might think, you don’t actually need to be liked to be successful in life. In fact, being unapologetically yourself can actually make people respect you more. It feels counterintuitive, but people see this as a leadership quality — one that makes a person stronger.
Think about the people that have the most followers on social media. Are they followed because they’re nice? Or is it because people know what they can expect from them, even if it’s anger?
It’s tough to step outside your box, for fear people will judge you harshly for it. If you’ve always been agreeable, then becoming more assertive or even downright nasty can really throw people off. They might think you’re suffering from a mental illness, when in fact you’re just being more true to what’s inside you.
This is not to encourage anyone to go out of their way to be unkind. What I’m saying is that you can still live within reasonable social parameters, while also shedding the need to be liked by everyone.
Leave the ‘be more like this’ camp
On the other side of the coin, there are many opposing forces. From the way we look to the way we act, there’s enormous pressure to conform.
We’re supposed to eat a certain way, talk a certain way, and strive for common goals. As this article points out, this is often an effort to be perceived as “normal” within a group. This can also help avoid looking “foolish”, as you might not know how to act in some situations, and look to others as an example. Or it could just be the desire to be liked, which is comfortable.
The beauty industry in particular makes women feel like they are not enough. Embrace your flaws, but also use this concealer if you want to like yourself. Always use filters on social media. Don’t indulge in sweets, even though there’s no medical reason not to. Let the man take charge, even though you’re perfectly capable of leading.
The men also get pressured from all directions: be big, strong, and stoic, even if that’s not your natural instinct. Do what you love, but also make sure you make lots of money.
God forbid a man shows some emotion, as that’s a sign of weakness. Right? No. Being more expressive as a male is a strength, despite still being frowned upon by the “alpha” crowd. Women do like a man that’s in touch with his feelings, contrary to the bro narrative. A survey shows 95% of women want a man who can openly express emotions. So there’s that.
You can’t please everybody
I’ve learned from 47 years on this planet that even being “agreeable” doesn’t always work in the long-term. I have had many friends disappear on me, which hurt, especially since I was making an effort to relate to them. But I was approaching these relationships the wrong way.
I can admit that I have fallen squarely into the conformity camp, but as I age, I’m clawing my way out of it slowly. I no longer care as much about how people perceive my thoughts or actions, because I know acting “fake” will not win over the people I admire. In fact, it may make them lose respect for me.
So just “live your best life” as the kids say, and stop trying to hold up the status quo. Perhaps you want to be more politically active, more sexually expressive, or take up an unusual hobby, as just a few examples. You haven’t done these things yet because of fear of backlash.
The truth is that conforming may win favour over people (at least in the short-term), but you’ll be lying to yourself. It’s hard to feel content when you have this level of internal conflict, and you may be pushing people away unconsciously because of it.
When you begin to stop caring about outside opinions — which are a dime a dozen — you start to experience true freedom. (Again, I’m not talking about spreading hate for sport. If that’s how you really are, then you need to change.)
If the people in your life that claim to love you actually do, they will encourage you to be yourself, and celebrate it when you do (as long as you’re not being toxic, and not willing to acknowledge harm you’re causing.)
Those who tell you to eat a certain way, work a certain way, talk a certain way, and act a certain way are probably locked in their own personal prisons. They want everyone else to conform, because they have. It makes them feel smaller when others break out of their shells.
So, what am I supposed to do about it?
The first step is to lose your fear of being disliked.
I know, it’s not easy. Rejection feels very bad. That’s because we’re conditioned by society to think that if someone loses interest in us, it’s our fault. But maybe it’s the other person, who cannot adapt to your evolution as a human.
Consider that someone might only like you because you’re agreeable — is that someone that values you? No. It means they want you to be a certain way, whether it’s your true self or not.
Embracing your true self becomes more effortless over time. You don’t try as hard to say the right things, or bend as much to people’s will. People who may leave your life as a result are missing out on an improved version of you — while new people will recognize and appreciate your authenticity.
No, this is not a guide to “giving zero f*cks.” Yes, there are certain rules we should follow to function in society. Basic respect, kindness, and hygiene are all important. You can be yourself while still living within reasonable boundaries.
But also, don’t deny the true voice inside you that’s silenced by outside opinions. There’s a good chance some of those opinions are from people who are projecting.
If they don’t want the real you, save it for someone else.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Olga Nayda on Unsplash