We both knew this day couldn’t be pushed out any further.
We’ve been operating in this state of limbo for months now with no end in sight.
We’re both guilty of avoiding that elephant in the room for far too long.
We’ve endured too many tears, too much heartbreak and too much indecision.
The time has come for me to make up my mind once and for all and now that decision has been given a deadline, it’s quickly approaching and this time it demands action.
I need to leave my wife in January or this relationship, this friendship, this “affair” needs to come to an end…forever.
January….OH FUCK!!!
That’s today.
My wife and my family are totally oblivious to this threat that’s lingering over their heads, ready to disrupt and maybe destroy their lives, our lives.
This is not something they asked for. This is not something they deserve. They deserve so much better.
They deserve so much better then me, what I’ve done and what I am about to do.
Let’s face it, this is a selfish decision, the most selfish thing that I’ve ever done in my life. I am essentially telling my family, sorry but my happiness and my partner’s comes before yours. That’s what this feels like and it eats away at my core.
God, this is not where I wanted my life to be right now. This is not the choice that I wish I was making and I’m left wondering…
What happened to me? The good and honorable man I was 365 days ago has been slowly committing suicide with the final nail in the coffin ready to come down as the clock strikes midnight on the 31st.
I asked my partner to allow me to have one last holiday season with my family before I start to execute the process of ending a 23-year marriage and a 31-year life together.
One last Thanksgiving where I’ll be welcomed at my table, one last Christmas opening presents together, one last anniversary where my wife will tell me how much she loves me as I secretly am having divorce papers drafted to present to her days later.
In January, everything comes to an end.
A 31-year friendship over — love quickly turning to hatred.
A father no longer looked up to by his daughters, his friends and his family but shunned instead.
The only life that I have known since I was 19 years old tossed into the trash like yesterday’s news.
I just sit here at the keyboard in tears because while I had an unhappy and lonely relationship with my wife, I never truly had an unhappy life. I love my daughters, my family, and I am so appreciative of this life I’ve had with them.
Somehow I’ll need to find a way to forgive myself for what I am about to do.
My heart is broken in a million little pieces and I’m the one holding the hammer.
I know that I’ll never truly be ready…
To tell them I am so, so sorry.
To tell them that I love them.
To tell them just how much I’m going to miss them.
To tell them goodbye.
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Previously Published on Medium
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