Theresa Byrne asks you to look at failure as feedback and learn to embrace it.
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Why is it that so many of us will go to great lengths to avoid making a mistake, being wrong, or admitting to failure? Even typing the word failure was hard, and I instantly felt the need to justify what I mean by it. And I’m just typing it! Guess what—we all mess up. It’s true. At some point we will all experience failure but it doesn’t have to be devastating.
As a culture we’ve become personally ‘failure avoidant’.
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For much too long I fell into that same culture. I worked my butt off trying desperately not to be wrong, ever, and it was exhausting. It was a charade. (I wrote another article about how we handle failure here: How Do You Really Handle Failure). There are excellent books written on why failure is an important part of learning to succeed, and we’ve culturally agreed that it works in science and in businesses. But how do we apply that to our own lives?
As I kid I was mortified thinking I was ever wrong. It was akin to death by shame! When I didn’t get an “A” on a test, or when I screwed up it meant one thing: end of the world. Talk about black and white thinking, I was the poster child. When I worked with gifted children at Denver University’s Ricks Center for many years, I saw similar behavior. This is a common hurdle the majority of them have to leap: the struggle of getting out of their comfort zone and trying something they might not be “gifted” at doing. It’s about learning how to make mistakes and learning how to deal with them. It’s also common in people with a fixed mindset, something I write about here.
There are reasons we go to such lengths to be right or avoid being wrong. But in doing that we are avoiding being our whole selves; quirks and all.
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As an adult I became more comfortable owning my mistakes, being wrong, and yes, even admitting to failure so I’ll share what I’ve learned because it freed me up. I started looking at my life as a learning experience and used everything that happened as way to gauge what needed to happen next. And yes, sometimes the failing came with sadness, grief, disappointment, or anger when things didn’t go the way I wanted; but I kept going. And sometimes I’ve been mad at myself but I had to learn how to forgive myself to move forward. And self-forgiveness sounds simple but it’s far from easy. Trust me on that.
Along the way I learned how to own mistakes and not let them define me and hold myself accountable for the things that didn’t work. I’ve been divorced. I’ve had to file for bankruptcy. I had a failing business. I’ve had employees who were toxic whom I waited too long to fire. I’ve stayed too long in relationships that didn’t work. I’ve made poor investments. I suck at management. I technically botched my first online training webinar with almost 100 people watching. I was teased in my family, because it took me almost six years to graduate from college with a B.A. and four ‘concentrations’ (minors).
I developed tools I’d call ‘Freedom Over Failure’ through my experience, and if you recognize yourself in the ‘Fear of Making a Mistake Camp’ or ‘Desperately Avoiding Being Wrong Type’ you can learn from what I went through. Now I laugh at how often and spectacularly I mess up. And I sleep and breathe much easier knowing that I get to be fully human.
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There are reasons we go to such lengths to be right or avoid being wrong. Or God forbid, admitting to failure.
But in avoiding it, we are avoiding being our whole selves, quirks and all. There is beauty in our humility, and we have humility because we are human: we aren’t perfect. (For any of you that are using the ‘But I’m Perfect Mask,’ I’m sorry to disappoint you!) Some of the most marvelous inventions were created from mistakes.
Some of the best business ideas were born out of failures. Some of the most amazing insights and life lessons happened because a failure of some sort showed us something we desperately needed to see. Sports teams experience failures every game, every season and they get back up and regroup to get better than they were before.
And all that energy wasted in avoiding making a mistake or experiencing a failure won’t serve you. It’s wasted power. It’s giving up power. What you try so hard to fight has power over you. Learn to embrace it, and you’ll lessen it’s sting. You’ll take it’s power away—and regain your own.
Failure is feedback.
What if you are the scientist of the experiment of you?
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Failure is simply information to help move us forward. Mistakes can be used to inform us what worked and didn’t work. That’s all. It can help us shift, change and grow when used appropriately. When an experiment doesn’t work in a laboratory do you think the scientists suddenly question their very existence? No. But that’s what we do with mistakes, being wrong, or the idea of failure. We make it about everything else. What if your life is the learning experience? What if you are the scientist of the experiment of you? It’s your perception of failure that creates the feelings of judgment or shame. Change the perception and you can change your feelings.
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What fears keep us trying to avoid making mistakes?
The fear of not getting it right can feel shameful, and we’ll go to great lengths to avoid feeling shame.
The fear of being dumb, or considered foolish. The Japanese have an actual phobia in the DSMV listed as “losing face” or appearing shameful.
The fear of not looking like everyone else (who appear to be doing things well) makes us fear that we won’t fit in. We’ll stick out in a bad way, a wrong way, a negative way. It’s OK to be different, but we have internal standards to how that can look.
The fear of making mistakes holds us back from trying new things, or trying things we’re afraid we might look stupid doing.
The fear of being wrong makes us only do things we’re good at doing, and only stay in the wheelhouse of who we know ourselves to be. There’s no room to expand or surprise ourselves.
The idea of failure feels like a label. As if something didn’t work out and we are now defined by that event. That would be like getting a failing grade on one test and defining yourself by it for the rest of your life. it sounds silly but I’ve seen people take it to that extreme.
The fear of a mistake being our fault makes us question our sense of our own capability, instead of it being an isolated incident. If you’ve ever experienced the cascade of negative emotions that come after one mistake, the one mistake that you continually beat yourself up even after the event is over?
The concept that being wrong means something about us as a person. If we’re wrong about one thing, what if we’re wrong about everything?
The idea that if anyone sees the crack in our armor when we make a mistake, then they’ll know we’ve been faking having it all together.
The fear that if you’ve been fooled in the past, you can’t trust anyone else (or yourself). This is a biggie for anyone who’s been through an abusive relationship, and the most important relationship to get back is the one with yourself. Having a relationship that didn’t work, or one that became abusive, takes work to heal, especially rebuilding the self-trust.
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If you go to great lengths to avoid making mistakes, being wrong or admitting to failure: it will hold you back. You think it will keep you safe, but really it will stop you from being all of yourself. You can’t be free, because the person you’re walking on eggshells to avoid disappointing is either everyone in the world, or the one who lives inside you. Either way you can never be free of them. So embrace the idea that failure is feedback and free yourself from the negative patterns.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Again, you do not lose, you learn. The only way to win is by learning.
DJ – YES! How can we be expected to learn without messing up? I love the concept of changing “losing” to learning. Thank you for your insight.
Theresa
If society as a whole embraced failure as a positive learning tool instead of using it to browbeat people, it would be easier for people as individuals to embrace it.
G,
Imagine that! Yes. If failure was seen as something along the path, not an ending, it would change how we approach things. We get to create our experience, and with enough of us changing the thinking maybe one day society will shift. Until then, we get our own minds and the tools we choose to use.
Thank you for your comment,
Theresa
Business leaders are fearful of failure which is why they expect the government to bail them out especially when they knew that some of their business decisions would lead to disaster but they carried them out anyway.
G,
Interesting comment which would make a wonderful article in itself. Disastrous decisions. Fearful business leaders. I think you’re onto a terrific topic!
Thanks,
Theresa