I’m lucky in that my workplace offers free ‘mental health coaching’ sessions. Anyone can book them once a month, and although there are several coaches to choose from, I’ve had them all with someone I’ll call V.
Compassion Without Boundaries is Self Harm
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Every Relationship is a Two Way Street
Whether it’s friends, family or a romantic partner, relationships form a core part of who we are, and they have the power to not only enrich our lives but also take away from them.
And every relationship requires maintenance to flourish. Sure, you can be on good terms with someone you haven’t spoken to in years, but are they your friend or just your acquaintance? When you think hard, what does a true friend even mean? You’ll notice that throughout your life, friends will come and go, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Not everyone that you were friends with during childhood will stick around for your adult life. Some will, of course, like your best friends, family friends or those that live close to you. But there will be those that drift away.
For example, most of my friends today are people I either work with or have worked with in the past. While I still keep in contact with my friends from school and university, people move away, or their priorities change, and that does impact how close you are with them.
But regardless of what happens in the future, the friends you have now are important. And you can’t just take; you need to give as well. One way to do that would be by meeting regularly for food or activity that you all enjoy. You’ll strengthen your bond and be able to spend quality time with each other.
Though quality time is considered one of the five love languages, it isn’t exclusive to romantic relationships. It applies to family and friends as well. If you give someone a birthday gift or praise them for getting that new job, then you’re unconsciously displaying those love language signs as well. And that, in turn, strengthens your relationship with them.
But what happens if you’re going all-in, but they don’t do the same? That’s when feelings of frustration, resentment and anger could surface, but what if they don’t? What if you’re so tunnel-visioned that you can’t see how destructive a one-sided relationship is?
If you’re like me and genuinely care about a person, it’s unlikely that you’ll get angry, as instead, you’ll just double down and hope that they see through it. Eventually, you’ll be putting in so much energy and getting none back that it’s no longer a case of being there for them; it’s actual self-harm.
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When One Side Gives Too Much, It’s Self Harm
All relationships require balance. And although this applies to friendships, it’s even more important in romantic relationships.
That’s because when the balance isn’t there, it’s tempting for one side to overcompensate. If you’re the one doing that, then you may end up compromising yourself. Rather than receiving the appreciation and care you need from them, it’s tempting to bombard them with appreciation and care in the hope that they change instead.
But what if they don’t?
It can often lead to situations where the more desperate you become, the more distant and cold they become.
But how do you know when a situation is no longer balanced? How do you know when you are overcompensating? To find the answers, you need to ask yourself a few questions first.
Has something changed in your relationship with that person? Do you communicate the way you used to? Often, the early signs are the result of a breakdown in communication. What was once daily back and forth messaging and talking now becomes sporadic.
The second question to ask yourself is, are they comfortable with telling you how they feel? And if they are, are they being honest? Being vague and avoiding this can be another sign that something is wrong.
And if they are not communicating, it can either mean one or two things. They need space because they are going through something and need to think, or that their feelings towards you have changed somehow.
In family and friendships, that could be due to an incident, a fall out with someone else or any number of things. But when it comes to romantic relationships, it can be much trickier. Our minds overthink all the possibilities that would lead to their behaviour changing.
But the truth is, we can never guess what they’re thinking. We can never guess what they’re going through. Assuming, analysing and hoping will not help you, it will only harm you.
But if we know we need to give them time and space, why do we not do that? Why do we rush to do the opposite and overwhelm them with all the reasons they shouldn’t behave that way?
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Reasons For Pushing Too Much
When you have a strong connection with someone, one of the most challenging things to go through is severing that connection. You’ll refuse to believe it, and you’ll do everything in the world to hold on to that connection, even if it’s by the thinnest thread.
Often, when we’re pushed away or not being reciprocated in the way we want, we feel guilt and blame ourselves. You’d ask yourself if you did something that made this happen. You’ll blame yourself and find every possible excuse that it was you instead of them.
And by thinking that, you might fall into the trap of pushing them away even further. You’ll explain, apologise, and commit to doing more, even though you’re already at your limit. But the fact is, it’s not you. You’re already giving 100%, and it’s them who isn’t.
The reason they’re pushing you away is that they feel guilty. And in turn, you feel guilty.
When you’re not able to move on, and you ruminate and lament what you once had. When you look back at the memories, the conversations and the time with that person, rather than looking forwards, that’s when it becomes self-harm.
When a connection that strong ends, allow yourself the time to go through it. It’s part of the process of moving on, but don’t live with it forever. Whatever ends up happening, no one can give you happiness. Only you can.
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Whatever ends up happening, no one can give you happiness. Only you can.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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