I became “single” exactly one year ago today. By that, I mean I moved out of my marital home after telling my wife I wanted a divorce nine months previously.
We slept in the same bed for about four months after I told her it was over before she decided we should sleep in separate bedrooms. I was okay with that because, as you can imagine, it was a little awkward, even after being together for 27 years.
Once I moved into the guest bedroom, I began to feel a sense of peace. At first, I didn’t know what it was. I just knew that I slept better and I was less stressed. Ultimately, what I felt after this split made me realize not only how much stress I was under, but that I made the right decision.
Five months later, I finally found my own place about two miles away so that my son could stay in the same school district and within biking distance of school.
It was about that time I started feeling something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Confidence, and a need to meet new people. Specifically, women.
Don’t judge me, please. After decades on an emotional roller coaster filled with emotional abuse and years of very little physical intimacy and affection, I finally realized what I had been missing. I had suppressed and hidden those needs under stress and anxiety for so long, it was like the sun came out.
I decided then and there, with Covid in full swing and social situations shut down, that I would join a dating app. Or two. Okay, three. And I did.
It was very exciting for a while. I was able to peer into the lives of so many women through their profiles and pictures. It was fascinating. I just knew that the woman for me was in there because I checked so many of their boxes.
It all started pretty well. After just a short time period, I actually met a very intelligent, attractive woman who lived nearby. We developed a short term relationship that exposed me to areas of intimacy I never before knew existed. It made me realize just how suffocated my love life had been.
Unfortunately, like many good things, it had to come to an end. She started intimating that my spare room was perfect for her to move into and pay rent and that it would really improve our relationship. She would cook, and clean, and still be my girlfriend. I know. It sounds great, right guys? But that wasn’t what I wanted. That was way too much for me, so soon after my split, and so early in a relationship. I had to end it.
I made several more attempts to connect with women I thought I was a good fit for. I soon learned that it wasn’t just men who were dishonest about what they wanted. Some women, too, were misleading and untruthful. I learned that the hard way after meeting several women who lied about their age, or their marital status, or state of employment, etc.,.
While many women insinuated that men were the problem in the communication area, I discovered that many women were having difficulties in that area as well.
I had a couple of great text sessions with several women and, when I made the suggestion to move onto the next step, a phone call, I ended up getting ghosted or put off. I’m not sure where things went off the rails because, after going back and reviewing the messages, I thought it all went well.
I had also forgotten that men were supposed to do most of the work. I was supposed to initiate contact and conversation, pick the meeting spot, arrange the time and transportation, and ultimately pay for the meal. Never once did a woman offer to pick up the tab or to pay half. I would have declined, but it would have been nice to hear the offer. Also, I like a woman who is a partner and can make suggestions or plans for a date. To me, that demonstrates a level of care and interest that makes me feel good and builds my confidence.
Finally, with much disappointment in the way dating apps functioned, I decided to just play voyeur and not “like” anyone. Even though I received several “likes” on my profile, I always thanked them and let them know that I didn’t think we were a match. Where before I would automatically “match” with someone who “liked” me just because I wanted to meet people and get out, I decided to wait for someone who really caught my eye.
Unfortunately, it never happened. Soon, I decided I would spend the fourth Covid wave spending time with myself, getting to know me, and developing the interests I have always had, but never had the energy to put time into.
So, without much fanfare, I put my subscriptions on pause and haven’t looked back. Once I did that, I realized how much time I was putting into trying to meet someone on those apps, and how frustrating it was.
Sorry dating apps. I am seeing someone else, now. It’s me. And I really love me. I thought we might have something, you and I, but I realized that you and I want different things. You want my subscription money and I want a real people connection.
So, yes. It really was you, and not me. Good bye.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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