Co-parenting can be a difficult road. One mother wants to share with the father of her child how to make things easier and offers new insight, surprising even herself.
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Dear Divorced Dad,
I am not the fun one, as you you know. Despite the fact that I see this perfect child of ours daily and steer her toward her inevitable greatness, I lament that fact. Many times, I have wanted to throw my hands in the air and run toward the car, calling out to our daughter to come join me on a spontaneous trip to the movies. But then, and it usually only takes a second for the direction in my head to change, I remember dinner needs to be made, homework must be supervised, this is the night when her tennis uniform must be washed. And on it goes. My movie plan flies out the window.
My money goes toward massive amounts of groceries consumed in days, acne medication, school lunches, field trip money, co-pays, gas money to travel here and there, last-minute supplies for projects and whatever else surfaces. I never have any cash in my purse.
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Sometimes, I am jealous of you.
This year, when you took all the kids on a cruise, including our grown ones, I was happy for you all, but I also realized that I might very well never be able to plan such an event, not that I would choose the sea with my inner ear thing, but you get my point. My money goes toward massive amounts of groceries consumed in days, acne medication, school lunches, field trip money, co-pays, gas money to travel here and there, last-minute supplies for projects and whatever else surfaces. I never have any cash in my purse. I know you consistently pay your child support and I am so appreciative that you do, but I don’t think you understand how expensive raising a child every single day is. So when I ask you to help and you refuse, or yell at me for requesting, it feels unfair. Every expense is not covered by child support.
Even though I spend the majority of the time with our kid, my time is still valuable. When you give a date and time to pick up our girl, please stick to it. Arriving early, or late causes my family to have to scramble to prepare for your arrival, or may put a kink into adult’s only time with my BF if you show up later than agreed upon.
When a divide is sensed by our astute kiddo, does it surprise you to know she will play us against each other?
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I wish the priorities for our child matched. I guess the way I figure it, if our child is having trouble in a core class at sschool, then I don’t think fast-pitch softball becomes the focus. I am not trying to hamper her outgoing nature, but I am responsible for her passing her classes, and for getting her to graduation. Then I will rest. LOL. When you talk to her would you mind backing me up? When a divide is sensed by our astute kiddo, does it surprise you to know she will play us against each other? I don’t want that either. Yes, it is annoying.
Please speak kindly about me. If you are confused about my decisions, ask me. If you could refrain from using our kid as a carrier pigeon that would be awesome, too. I am available and I am so ready to work with you on all matters, the schedule, sharing holidays, splitting the cost on a new-fangled whatever-is-in-now. Let’s decide how we will talk to her separately and together. If you grant me this, I will give you the same respect. When I am disrespected, it is really hard to not get emotional and want to strike back. At the end of the day, the kids are forced to pick a side and we both know that’s not fair. Can you tell me what pisses you off? I guarantee I am a grownup and can handle it. Maybe I never showed you that side. It’s there and dare I say, delightful.
I mean, what are we so uneasy about? We are her parents after all. Our stations are the same as they have always been.
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I respect your position. Did you know that? You are missed and thought of by the little one each day. She knows who you are and loves you beyond description. I hope you know that distance doesn’t equal a lessening of love in her heart and that you never need to battle insecurities, or feel threatened. She’s not going anywhere. Remember my craptacular relationship with my dad? That is the absolute last thing I want our darling to contend with. And I worry that her own relationships will be affected, that she will learn the wrong way to be with a person and love a person if we are both insecure about our roles. I mean, what are we so uneasy about? We are her parents after all. Our stations are the same as they have always been.
…you still allow me the choicest role: being her custodial mother. I don’t think I have ever thanked you.
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You have the tough job, you know that? I don’t know how you do it, and I want to thank you for taking on this role because no matter how shitty things between us might get over stupid stuff, you still allow me the choicest role: being her custodial mother. I don’t think I have ever thanked you.
These years keep flying by don’t they? I’m so glad you love her and that your SO loves her, too. It means she is surrounded by interest, caring, and people who want the best for her. I hope you know I only wish you a good life because then she benefits. Then her confidence soars, and all is right in her world…adoration is such a grounding emotion when you are a faltering teenager trying to figure out the world.
Imagine if we allowed all the goodness that flows from her to heal the rifts in our co-parenting world.
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Can we pass the olive branch? Can we stand down and think for a moment of each other and our unique roles? And can we work harder on being kinder? It doesn’t have to be weird and hurtful when you hang out in the driveway, shifting your weight from one foot to the other as the kid jams all the stuff she’ll need in her weekend bag. We each have our own lives with one very sacred lifeline, our amazing child. Imagine if we allowed all the goodness that flows from her to heal the rifts in our co-parenting world. I think it can happen.
In closing, let me finally say thank you for sacrificing your time so I could have it. Thank you for giving me this child. I cherish her every day. Because of your decision, you have given me some of my most joyful moments. I haven’t forgotten that even if I can’t express it eloquently. But I know it is true, and I am grateful.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
My husband would kill to have his daughter full-time rather than remaining with his alcoholic, clinically diagnosed bipolar ex-wife. It’s frightening the environment my stepdaughter is growing up in. And my brother, allowed only four hours a month with his two children, after being the stay at home dad ripped away from his kids because of a nasty breakup, would sell his soul for full custody. I know how challenging it is to raise kids; I have three of my own in a two parent home, yet I would still take on another to remove any further damaging influence from… Read more »
I grew up in a split house like this. I ran away from it ever chance I could. Sometimes I would spend nights camping at the Cemetery because it was a better environment. The wicked witch of the house was always manipulative, scheming, conniving trollop that didn’t have one boyfriend through the house – but a train of them. Everything was always about revenge, money, and her agendas. I will give her that she gave me ample and well training to meet and deal with women; as they all have been splintered mirrors of her. Tis what snakes do –… Read more »
I’m unfollowing the Good Men Project because of this article.
As a child of divorced parents who grew up watching all of this, some important points: 1) I think you are being gracious by saying it is harder for him than it is for you. Perhaps you are trying to be diplomatic, or soften the blow, but it is always harder for the parent, female or male, who has full custody of the kids at home. When I was sick, afraid, causing trouble, whatever, it was always my mom who had to deal with it because she was there. Even a parent who is super involved will have it easier… Read more »
I just don’t understand why writing by women that boils down YET AGAIN expecting that that woman’s fantasy of how men “ought to be” continues to be featured on the Good Men Project. I could see this in a parenting magazine, or a counseling magazine (with the balance of the other side) or any number of other cultural outlets. I just don’t understand the editorial choice to include it here. This sort of writing would make a little bit of sense here if it was at least positioned as a response to a question asking for insight or perspective, but… Read more »
Wow. This website is called The Good Men Project, is it not? And yet all I can read from the keyboards of other men is vitriol and hate towards some ghost woman they resent, and not the actual author. The actual author (who wrote an emotional and heart-felt letter with candor and openness) did a pretty fine job of saying her piece. She didn’t say she doesn’t want Dad taking the kids on vacation. She said that she’s jealous of the spontaneity of the cruise and that she wishes she could do that. She wrote about how obligation (such as… Read more »
Women break up more marriages in the middle class and upper middle class families. They break up the family, get the children and dangle the kids as leverage for money, possessions, homes etc. She ends up in the house you built with their children and after that some dude named Steve is living with them as well. She gives you two weekends a month, but it’s usually only one. In the lower class, the men dip the second they are even suspicious of a pregnancy. The rich protect their interests and the prenuptial agreement is not optional. Reality.
Seems like “Custodial Mom” has her head solidly in the “It’s all about me and my wants” camp. Be thankful that you have the opportunity to see your kids EVERY day. Don’t wan’t your ex to take them on nice vacations? Maybe he wouldn’t feel the need to cram as much quality into the meager time he has with them if you pried them loose from your clutches a little more often. Don’t want to be the “mean” parent? Split child custody time in half. Sure you’ll both need to arrange your lives for the sake of the kids but… Read more »
You said it better than I ever could – and I thank you. I will NEVER apologize for making the time with my boys count. Call me Disneyland Dad, call me whatever you want – but the little time I have with them WILL be special. You lost the right to tell me what’s best for them when you ripped our family apart. If you wanted what’s best for our kids – you wouldn’t have been looking in the arms of another man. You see – you didn’t just cheat on me, you cheated on them as well. They deserve… Read more »
Did you read the whole thing? The second half had me in tears. The first half, a little whiney, but perhaps legitimate concerns in her own situation, but the second half…yeah. That was just beautiful. You non-custodial parents who make the effort to show up, to be there, to hold those children for a little while before wrenching your hearts in two handing them back – you blow my mind. You’re amazing. As relentless and exhausting as it is having the kids all or the majority of the time, it’s got to be harder not to. Be proud of yourselves… Read more »
Amber, you got it. I can’t imagine being the non-custodial parent. That is the whole point. Gratitude. Thank you. I wish you and your kiddos the best.
I am the custodial parent of two boys. I enjoy being responsible for their life. I don’t wish I could be anything other than what I am. When her parents take then to the beach or she takes them to a roller coaster park the only thing I wish is that I could see their face. And I do. When they return HOME. You see, my son’s have only one childhood and when they are my age they may or may not understand the role I played. .if they do it will be because they see it…not because they were… Read more »
Dear custodial parent, if you chose the path you are on, stop blaming others.
This touches a nerve for me for sure. I would much rather be the custodial parent. Please, let me be the custodial parent.
You won’t have to do a darn thing.
Totally agree. In the same situation.
Damn straight
I’m happy to say that I’m a half time shared custody co-parent. So, I’m with my child 3.5 days a week, every week. That said, I still pay all the court ordered child support to my child’s mom. Cause that he we roll in America.
He goes on that cruise because he has so little time with them that he has to squeeze all the memory making he can in a tiny amount of time. Fast pitch softball may, in fact, matter more when her grades are low. There’s a good chance he didn’t allow you the role of custodial parent; it was likely awarded based on your gender. I don’t know a single divorced dad who gets enough time with his kids. The only reason I got my kids was that their mother was an imploding psychopath (yes, in fact, she has been identified… Read more »
While this woman is whining about how tough it is for her, I’ll bet Dad would give his left arm to be the custodial parent.
Bingo. The more subconscious part of it is men in general are tuned with work – and it’s where we put our value, and derive value from. Raising kids is work, of course it is, however with that said – men in general find value in this, and for me specifically – I find incredible joy in doing that work. So being a custodial parent for two weeks of solid: making lunches, figuring out dinner, “dragging” three with me where ever I go, etc, – it isn’t work. It’s joy. And so is playing with them, T-ball, playful smack-talk over… Read more »
Yes. If it’s such a burden, I’ll be happy to take on the role.
Here’s the thing as I’ve been lurking in the waters of co parenting for a long time now. first and foremost I actually am grateful to my baby’s Daddy. He takes very care of our son. He pays for all of his private school sine kindergarten (he’s not in 11th grade) he pays for his health, he pays for everything he can. He also pays child support to me even though he’s not legally required to do so but knows how much it helps keep my life on a level playing field. My son does NOT suffer. However legally the… Read more »
O.K. , while we’re at it, how about not waiting until I show up to inform me that our child is “Too sick to go out” (unless this suddenly happened in the last 10 minutes, at least a phone call would be appreciated). Or for that matter, calling my up when it ISN’T my weekend and saying “Take this child off my hands NOW!” Oh, when they ask me for money for sports, camps, or some other activities that I already gave you the extra funds for, well that’s really appreciated. And by the way, When you show off this… Read more »