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I was reading an article the other day about how to fight fairly. I was cautioned not to raise my voice, to avoid cursing, name calling, and blaming. I was also reminded for the umpteenth time to use an “I feel statement.”
I’m a clinically trained life and executive coach with ten years of experience behind me and I still call “bullshit” on all of this. Yes, I have read Gottman. I know that his leading predictor of divorce is displays of contempt between couples. I am also familiar with Hendrix, Johnson, and a whole host of other clinical experts in the field of couples counseling.
The thing about the experts who talk about relationship rules is that they use phrasing that includes words like “always” and “never”.
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Here’s the thing about all of these relationship hints and tips: In the heat of the moment, during intense moments of pain, betrayal, or aggravation, acting perfect isn’t realistic. Following the rules isn’t realistic because we are humans having human responses.
Those “I feel statements” are good in theory but hard to practice in the moment. It’s simply not realistic or helpful to direct people to have perfectly modulated responses in moments of intense emotion. Of course, it’s responsible to leave the room, take space until calm, and then go back and have the conversation but it’s simply not always possible.
Successful couples don’t always follow the rules.
There. I said it. And the world didn’t come crashing down. The thing about the experts who talk about relationship rules is that they use phrasing that includes words like “always” and “never” and seem to predict an inevitable end to relationships when there is a pattern of heated arguments or not talking.
In it for the long haul, successful couples know that at any point in time, one or both of them, is bound to lose their shit.
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Successful couples can go days in a silent war battle. They can raise voices, say regrettable things, and still be a united couple at the end.
How?
They know the difference between the climate of their relationship versus a weather event.
When things have gone totally off the rails, they take the time to make real amends.
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Successful couples value and work for a loving, respectful, and intimate relationship climate. They work to take care of one another’s needs, to be respectful of their feelings, and all of the things that we’re told repeatedly go into building healthy relationships. This is the climate they seek and work for in their relationship.
Yet, being in it for the long haul, successful couples know that at any point in time, one or both of them, is bound to lose their shit. If they’re going to stay together, one or both is going to be called upon to forgive something that no one else would. Things are going to be said and done completely inappropriately, from a place of emotion, skewed perspective, irrationality, and drama.
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Successful and lasting couples take these events in stride, though, because that isn’t the climate of their relationship, just a storm that’s passing through.
Successful couples clean up after the storm.
This is where the real divide is between the rule followers and rule breakers—between the couples that last and the couples that don’t.
When a tornado hits and destroys a home or does significant property damage, the family comes together to clean up. When the damage is extensive, they welcome outside help from other family members, neighbors, and friends to clean up the damage. They do whatever is possible to restore things to where they were before the storm.
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Successful couples know this and do this for their relationship. When there has been a cataclysmic storm in their relationship, and things have gone totally off the rails, they take the time to set things right, to make real amends. They talk about what happened and plan for what they need in order to be and do better in the future.
If they make a mess, they take the time to clean it up. They don’t just skip it and overlook the debris that’s fallen around them. They apologize and they treat each other with special care. It’s not about never causing each other pain or hurt. It’s about taking the time to help in the healing when they do cause pain.
Successful couples don’t talk about every little thing.
Yes, after a stormy period in their relationship, successful couples are doing a lot of talking. They’re taking care of one another, reassuring each other, and offering validation.
When couples trust in the climate of their relationship, they skip the small stuff.
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However, when their climate has recovered and they are back to normal, they don’t sweat the small stuff and they let the little shit go.
There’s an often referenced scene in the movie, The Breakup, with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. She’s yelling at him about the dishes because she wants him to want to do the dishes. She wants him to know that taking care of her means knowing she’d go nutty if dishes were left in the sink overnight. She doesn’t expect him to like doing the dishes but she expects him to take care of them with her anyway so she can have an easier time the following morning.
This is the concept that successful couples get.
They know what each other needs and the climate of their relationship is one where both are mindful of meeting and prioritizing those needs for one another.
When couples trust in the climate of their relationship, they skip the small stuff. They don’t mention the dishes left in the sink, the trash that isn’t taken out, or an evening of moodiness. They get that people just have off days that no one is going to clean every dish left in the sink before bed every night of their relationship so their partner gets a pass.
They trust in the relationship and they trust that if the slip becomes more of a pattern, that they’ll talk about it and work it out. Keeping a running tally of transgressions and tongue biting moments becomes unnecessary.
Successful couples aren’t always hot for each other.
Think about it realistically for a second. If you’re striving to be married or together for the long haul, for like 50 years, do you really think you’ll always want to be jumping each other’s bones? Do you think you’ll always find each other desirable or want regular sex?
Successful couples don’t rely on sex as the only measure of feeling together and connected.
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There’s a fear factor in articles that talk to couples about sex, warning couples that a lack of sex leads to the roommate feeling, and other chronic relationship problems.
When couples have established that regular and consistent sex is important to them, they have to make sex a priority in their relationship. If it’s been identified as something that keeps one or both partners feeling connected, it can’t just be put on the back burner indefinitely without discussion or acknowledgment.
Successful couples live through and survive sex droughts without drama or angst.
Why? How?
Successful couples don’t rely on sex as the only measure of feeling together and connected. They’ll keep in touch with one another throughout the day. They’ll hug, kiss, hold hands, talk, spoon, cuddle, make eye contact and stay close in other ways. Maybe they’ll miss each other sexually. They might not but their relationship doesn’t come crashing down around them if a month or two passes without sexual intimacy.
For successful couples, sex is never completely off the table. They restore their sexual intimacy and connection by talking about it, by acknowledging the lapse and working together to find the time when they’ll both have the interest and energy to reconnect physically.
Successful couples don’t strive for perfection.
Couples that last don’t act perfectly. When things bend, break, or crack, they make complete and thorough repairs. They make it because the climate of their relationship is one of acceptance, love, and respect.
Previously published: Choose to Have it All.com
Photo credit: Shutterstock
What a wonderful insightful read….certainly hits home to me that nothing is perfect. We’re only human after all and fallible but we know how to survive the storms if we choose to
Awesome article, Heather. Fun to read, too.
I like your point about not measuring connection only by sex. There are so many other ways to connect that feeling loving and respectful.
What I see in struggling relationships is a switch from appreciating all the good little things to only seeing what is bad. My guys would love to be able to have stormy times and return to a healing place after the storm.
We do you tell a man who feels like the negative, blaming, unhappy, losing her shit all the time storm will never end?
Hey, Steve… I actually tell people to say that out loud “God! It really feels like we’re in the shitter these days. I am clearly irritating the piss out of you. I’m not really feeling like being a member of your fan club either, these days. What the heck are we going to do to get out of this mess. I don’t want to feel this way about each other.”
Hi Heather, First, a small thing about the “doing the dishes” thing, since we are often playing with words here. I can do the dishes, by virtue of simply acknowledging that it needs to be done. I don’t have to neither want it nor like it, it just is. Second. You write (and let’s see if the quotation thing is working here…): ”Successful couples don’t rely on sex as the only measure of feeling together and connected. They’ll keep in touch with one another throughout the day. They’ll hug, kiss, hold hands, talk, spoon, cuddle, make eye contact and stay… Read more »
Thanks, Kal for your always thoughtful reflection on my articles.
This article hits it on the head for me. My partner and I both come from difficult families where we didn’t grow up surrounded by idealistic examples of how to work a relationship. FAR from idealistic, in both cases. We’re statistically the most likely type of people to fail at relationships thanks to the environment we grew up in. But I find, in a way our greatest strong suit is that we both as individuals want to be the opposite of our parents with every fiber of our beings. But surprise, surprise, we’re both young and we’re both still grappling… Read more »
Yes! This is it. Perfectly imperfect and an acceptance of that. Recognizing that health is described by working on it, not just on being perfect from the start. I wrote an article called “The Hard Truth About Marriages That Last.” last year. It arose from my own personal relationship challenges. I get it. Glad this helped.