We parents spend so much time telling our children what to do, how to act, and even the words they should and shouldn’t say.
Some of us have swear jars. Some of us yell, “Go to your room!” Others among us give our kids a good spanking when they talk back. I remember getting the Pierre Cardin belt at least once a season. Figures that’s the one time when my parents could afford leather. But I digress.`
We spend so much time parenting with a regular supply of “no,” “stop it” and “how many times have I told you?”
Even when we’re trying to engage in positive parenting, we often just tell our kids to be kind. To be nice. Be honest. Judge everyone based on their character. Be sad for homeless people. We tell them to treat janitors, security guards and servers the same as we would doctors or lawyers.
When we tell our kids all those wonderful things, all we’re really doing is parenting with words.
Words of course matter, but most of us are missing out on a much more powerful and long-lasting parenting method.
Parent behavior.
Imagine how much more impactful it would be for your kids to watch you be extra kind to the grocery store cashier rather than just have you tell them to be nice.
Imagine your kids witnessing you show thanks and grace, rather than reminding them to say thank you. We’ve all done it.
What if your kids overheard you declining to participate in something dishonest, rather than just telling them to be honest?
How impactful would it be for your kids to see you tell the server, “You forgot to charge me for the guacamole,” rather than watch you giggle at getting away with some free chips and dip.
This same education-by-behavior model applies to race, too.
It’s not enough for you to tell your kids to love all people. Or put a Black Lives Matter sign on your lawn. And to talk about how you support equity and equality.
Sure, these are important things to discuss, but they aren’t enough to raise kids who won’t become consciously or unconsciously racist. Words aren’t enough if we want our kids to be the next agents of positive change. Kids who will help create a more racially harmonious and equitable society.
To truly raise kids who will be kind, empathetic and caring toward people who are different from themselves, we as parents need to change our behavior. We must rely on our actions, not just nice words, as our main method of teaching.
That means opening your homes, after–five p.m. spaces, and important family events to people who don’t look the same as you. You can’t tell your kids that they’re supposed to love Black people and expect that to work while your dinner tables, picnics, confirmations and bar mitzvahs only include white people.
The proof of the teaching-by-behavior method is in the pudding.
When my now 21-year-old was 11, we had guests over for dinner when one similarly aged child made a derogatory comment about all Muslims. My son, not an attention seeker, literally got out of his chair and reprimanded the kid:
“You can’t say that! My father has many Muslim friends and they’re great people.”
My 17-year-old daughter on more than one occasion chose to write about racial justice in high school AP English. I didn’t ask her to.
My other son, now 19, likewise has stood up to peers when racist comments were made. He once remarked to me,
“I see why you have so many Black friends. Their culture is so kind and welcoming.”
His observation. Not something I’ve told him.
Importantly, I haven’t spent as much time telling my kids they need to be racial justice warriors. Or that they need to become outspoken advocates. I never demanded that they protest.
Instead, I always had a regular flow of beautiful people from many different backgrounds in my home. For decades, my house has been filled with Black men and women, Muslims, gay men and women, and others.
My kids think it’s normal for a white guy to have Black people over for dinner.
In a child’s mind, you’re saying one thing (love all people) and doing another (but not in my home) isn’t much different than if you tell your kids to be honest, but then they watch you cut corners all the time. The words “be honest” mean very little if they’re taught through behavior the act of lying.
If you want to raise kind kids, be kind. If you want to raise caring kids, be caring.
And if you want to raise kids who embrace and celebrate our Black brothers and sisters, open your home to people who don’t look like you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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