Maybe it’s just the algorithm, but I feel as though my Medium feed is full of stories at the moment of women complaining about the lack of time their husbands put into housework/childrearing/quality time in their relationship.
And I get it. That is annoying, infuriating even. Our time is valuable too. We shouldn’t be expected to do everything at home when we also work/take care of the kids. Men need to pull their weight, end of.
But, and it’s a big but, if your boyfriend was like this before you got married, then why on earth would he change after you got married? He just got promoted without having to do any extra work.
In fact, why would you even contemplate the idea of marriage if your partner isn’t working with you to create the lifestyle that you both want at this moment in time? A piece of paper isn’t going to change his attitude.
It is my belief that people are inherently lazy. There’s another way of looking at it — people are inherently efficient. If they can get away with doing something half-arsed, then they’ll do it half-arsed. So if your boyfriend can get away with not picking up his crap off the floor, or washing the pots, or cooking dinner because ultimately he knows you’ll do it, then why would he lift a finger?
There’s something else at play, and that’s attitude. If you are constantly having to nag your boyfriend to do something, then you need to sit down and discuss why that is. It might be that you have a difference in the way that you think things should be run, and it might be the case that your way isn’t necessarily the right way. Maybe you can reach a compromise. Instead of one person cooking every night, you’ll take turns, and at the weekend you’ll buy takeaway/ready meals.
See my article here about sharing the chores without turning into your boyfriend’s mother…
If you’ve agreed on the chore division and put a system in place and your partner still doesn’t comply, then it might be time to accept that they’re not that nice of a person in this area. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to break up with them, but you need to ask yourself if their insufficiency in this area is outweighed by all of the other ways that they bring joy to your life. Bear in mind that if you move to a bigger house/have children, this disparity is only likely to increase in the future. Will it be worth it then?
So then it comes to crunch time. If their behaviour is unacceptable to you, why on earth are you accepting it? You’ve given them a chance to change, but they haven’t, so now it is time for an ultimatum. One that you will actually keep. Tell them the way you feel. Make your plans to move out/break up. Do it now.
What’s the alternative? Fifteen years down the line, three kids later, you’ll be burnt out, on the brink of divorce, and seriously pissed off. And it won’t just be you affected, but your children too.
They might not exist yet, but do it for them anyway.
Good people are out there. People who want a partnership, not a servant. Find them. Or be happy on your own.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Sam Solomon on Unsplash