On my walk back to the office, a car stopped right next to me.
My heart skipped a beat or two, or ten.
Every lunch break, I take a 30-minute walk. I love the fresh air and after sitting for a few hours in a single stretch, it’s nice to get moving.
But last week, someone pulled over next to me. I immediately felt uneasy. I was just feet from the front door of my office.
At first, he asked for directions. Since I started this job just a couple months before the pandemic hit, I didn’t really have time to get to know the area well.
I didn’t tell him that; I just told him I wasn’t sure. Based on his description of what he was looking for, I pointed him in a direction that sounded like it might be correct. But I reiterated that I wasn’t entirely sure.
If you thought that was all the interaction was going to be, you’d be wrong.
‘So, you work around here?’
‘Yeah, over there.’
‘You know, I saw you walking and I had to stop.’
*silence*
‘So, when can I see you again?’
‘I’m not interested. Thank you. Have a good rest of your day!’
I’m always polite, even when I shouldn’t be. And maybe the politeness is what made him feel comfortable enough to say:
‘I’ll see you again.’
A chill ran up and down my spine.
What does that mean?
I didn’t go for my daily walk for a few days after that, just to be safe.
***
Expectations Are Creepy
When it comes to dating, expectations are unhelpful. And in the case of the person who pulled his car over to disturb my peace, expectations can be creepy.
I don’t get hit on often. It could be because of my resting b*tch face. It could be because I smell funny. It could be because I’m ugly. We really don’t know.
However, after that encounter in my office’s parking lot, I thought back to the two times when I was hit on and I wasn’t stressed out by it.
***
A Tale of Two Grocery Stores
Stop & Shop
The first time was at a grocery store in Boston. A random guy gestured for me to take my earphones out. My blood pressure immediately started to rise. ‘Here we go,’ I thought.
After I took them out, he said:
Whatever you’re doing, it’s working. — Nice Grocery Store Man #1
The thing that he did after that really shocked me. After I said thank you, he walked away.
Market Basket
Once you move out to the ‘burbs of Massachusetts, Market Baskets abound!
Saturday is my grocery shopping day. And every Saturday, I wear the same exact outfit. Grey Northeastern University quarter zip, black tank top underneath, black leggings, black flats. It’s comfortable and old habits die hard.
One Saturday, the incredibly tall man from the meat department said something to me. Of course, my earphones were in, so I had to take them out. ‘Here we go,’ I thought.
Long story short, we exchanged jokes about some of the many colleges in Boston. My Northeastern University quarter zip was his entry point for the conversation. Eventually, I walked away because I needed to get my mom’s groceries, and he didn’t stop me.
As I walked into the same Market Basket this weekend to get my mom’s groceries, I wondered if I’d see him again. I did. Same jokes, but funnier this time. And once again, no expectations of any kind.
Tangentially, as I’m writing this, I think I’m coming to the realization that I’m meant to meet my future husband in a grocery store. OR maybe I’m less stressed out with these kinds of encounters when I’m surrounded by food….
***
The key to effortless flirting is dropping your expectations.
Looking back at the limited number of times strangers have flirted with me, I’ve realized two things:
- Everyone who’s lingered in the conversation (read: held me hostage) expecting to receive a date/phone number in the process has NEVER gotten my number (but one of them did get my mom’s number, oops!), and
- Everyone who’s established their interest but gave me room to decide whether I wanted to engage or not left an incredibly positive impression on me.
***
Reddit is an Interesting Place
I always end up on some Reddit thread about flirting. I start by Google searching something that’s actually relevant to me (like best shampoo for seborrheic dermatitis reddit) and then I get distracted by the suggested threads underneath the thread I’m looking at.
In an Ask Men thread, I was shocked to read that many guys have had women flirt with them and then treat them horribly when they say they’re not interested. Like they should be a grateful a woman is even breathing in their direction.
That’s why I say this applies to both men and women. It doesn’t matter how hot you are or aren’t.
Entitlement knows no gender or sex, and NO ONE is entitled to someone else’s body.
And aside from expectations making the receiver of your advances feel uncomfortable, they also set you up for failure.
What happens when you have an expectation and it doesn’t pan out? You feel like you’ve failed.
And if you’re someone who hates failure, which most of us do, this adds pressure. Not only does this mentality make you start taking “no” personally as if someone not being attracted to you means that you’re undesirable and unlovable, but it might also make you less likely to give up when someone’s giving obvious signals that they’re not interested and/or uncomfortable.
***
The Bottom Line
For your sanity and for the general comfort of humankind, drop your expectations when flirting for less cringy feels.
If someone doesn’t want you, it’s their loss. And if they do want you, you have the satisfaction of knowing for certain that the phone number they gave you is actually real.
So, flirt when you feel comfortable, but with the understanding that ‘yes’ and ‘no’ are two equally possible, and very acceptable, responses.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
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Photo credit: Lisanto 李奕良 on Unsplash