Even in Healthy Relationships, Be Conscious to Maintain Identify of Self

I recently had coffee with a close friend in a seemingly healthy relationship. Her partner is supportive, friendly, and thoughtful; they seem perfect on paper.

However, one comment during our time together stuck with me.

“I feel like my most genuine self when I’m with my family or friends… not my boyfriend. I feel like I morph into a version of myself with him that I don’t even recognize, even though he’s not asking me to do that. ”

A healthy relationship involves partners who can be together but maintain their identities and lives outside their space. To prevent yourself from falling down the rabbit hole, here is how you can identify if you have lost yourself even in a healthy relationship.

Hone into your feelings on a deeper level.

We always ask the people we love how they feel. How often do we ask ourselves?

Check-in with your body and mind when you are in your relationship. How do you feel when you’re spending time together? Do you feel anxious, depressed, or relaxed?

All too often, we listen to every thought that goes through our mind, logical or not, but forget that our bodies are also a way to gauge our feelings.

The more we allow our thoughts and feelings to come in without stopping them and working through our emotions, the more we will be in touch with our reality.

Ask friends and family if you have changed.

Change is a good thing in many cases. It shows signs of growth, and none of us should stay the same for our entire lives.

However, change needs to come from within ourselves; it is different when it happens due to someone else’s influence. In the beginning part of a relationship, someone may ask us to change, and if we like them… we sometimes cave and let their orbit engulf ours.

If someone asks you to change and constantly criticizes you, they don’t have your best interests in mind. The right person will love you, flaws and all, as the person you are today, not with the hope of who you could be tomorrow.

Maintain other friendships and connections.

My best friend from college has absolutely no friends. After that, she got married and stopped contacting everyone in her life. Years later, she reached out, saying that she had lost touch with everyone and that her relationship was on the rocks.

Her story was a brutal reminder that we never know what will happen in life, and putting all our efforts into one person is a dangerous gamble.

One person will never be able to be the center of your universe or your one source of happiness, nor should that pressure be put on another human being.

Don’t stop having your own life and circle of friends/support system.

Don’t give up your interests and hobbies.

Contrary to what you may have been told growing up, putting yourself first is not selfish; it’s crucial.

When you care for your physical and mental health, you will have more to give to the people and relationships in your life.

Carve out time for your hobbies, friends, and all the other things that make you happy. Not only will you and your partner have more to talk about, but it will make you even more attractive to them.

Keeping in tune with yourself will prevent you from losing your sense of self in your relationship, which will cause you to be more present and aware.

In years past, I lost myself in every relationship. I always put the other person first and allowed them to consume my life and thoughts. My self-confidence and worth would slowly evaporate because my codependent tendencies would rise to the surface.

Being aware, listening to the trusted people around me, and utilizing the tools my therapist provided prevented my old patterns from arising in my healthiest and happiest relationship with my (now) husband.

Pre-conceived beliefs often tell us that we will only lose ourselves in a toxic/unhealthy relationship when that is not true. We always have to be aware and ensure that we are in tune with our feelings and emotions to make sure that we are prioritizing the most important relationship of all.

The one that we have with ourselves.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM

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