Exploring the Difference Between Anxious Attachment and Relationship Insecurity

I’m the kind of person who falls in love and then immediately panics at the idea of losing the one I love. My nervous system is set to Anxious Attachment mode, and I’ve spent a lifetime trying to shift the setting to Secure. I want to be able to be in a relationship and relax, but it’s hard. In my experience of love and relationships, people love only when it’s easy and leave when it’s not.

It’s easy to see how this attitude could be problematic for relationships. I have a hard time trusting that a good thing will last, and because I know that it’s my default setting, I have a hard time distinguishing between a relationship in real peril and a fucked up nervous system prone to overreaction. I usually assume that I am the problem, but the last time I made that assumption, I was wrong.

“Attachment theory teaches us that true autonomy relies on feeling securely connected to other human beings. Current developments in the field of attachment science have recognized that bonded pairs, such as couples, or parents and children, build bonds that physiologically shape their nervous systems. Contrary to many Western conceptions of the self as disconnected and atomized, operating in isolation using nothing but grit and determination, it turns out that close-knit connections to others are in large part how we grow into our own, fully expressed, autonomous selves.” ~Nora Samaran

…

4 Signs the Relationship is Insecure

I was in a relationship that had been going well — so well, in fact, that I started to trust that everything would work out. I believed in the us that we were. I thought we were well-matched enough that we could work through any differences. When the anxiety first began, I assumed I was doing what I always do — letting my fear sabotage my happiness by thinking of all the ways a good thing could go wrong.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was also struggling with the symptoms of a chronic illness that can heighten my emotions and leave me sensitive to rejection. I kept blaming my anxious attachment from early childhood and my chronic condition for the feelings creeping up on me. I told myself everything was safe, but my nervous system was setting off every single alarm in my body.

The truth is, the relationship had changed, and I couldn’t face it. I didn’t know how to see the signs. I was too busy holding myself accountable for my attachment style and trying to calm down. There are a few clear signs that the relationship is the problem, not our attachment style.

They’re Inconsistent

If the person we’re in a relationship with is inconsistent, the problem is that inconsistency, not our need for reassurance. Needing reassurance is normal. While anxiously attached people do need more of it, sometimes the problem is that the person we’re with is behaving in a way that immediately alerts our hypersensitive systems to a problem. Something has changed, and we want to know why.

Inconsistency could look like showing up late to dates, only sporadically returning calls and messages, or just running hot and cold with emotions. If they were consistently warm and affectionate and now sometimes turn the cold shoulder, this isn’t some kind of false alarm set off by early attachment issues. This is a real alarm to let us know that something is wrong.

When it happened to me, I assumed I had done something wrong. I kept trying to figure out what I could do so that everything could go back to the way it was before. Only, I had no control over that. My only control was in deciding what to do about what I was noticing. Consistency within relationships builds trust just as inconsistency breaks it down.

“In search of relationship safety, our attachment system is primed to seek the answers to certain questions regarding our partners. Both consciously and unconsciously we are looking to know: If I turn towards you, will you be there for me? Will you receive and accept me instead of attack, criticize, dismiss or judge me? Will you comfort me? Will you respond in a way that calms my nervous system? Do I matter to you? Do I make a difference in your life? Can we lean into and rely on each other?” ~Jessica Fern

They’re Stonewalling You

Someone who withholds attention or affection is stonewalling us. The silent treatment is one form of it. This is a particularly painful technique to use on someone with an anxious attachment. When someone shuts down and refuses to communicate with us about what’s happening, we’re not able to reach them or maintain any level of intimacy. This isn’t a sign that our anxiety is at fault. It’s a sign that the relationship is in danger.

Relationships require vulnerability, and we can’t have healthy ones with someone who refuses to ever let us in. I used to think that my anxiety was driving partners further away, but then I began to wonder if my anxiety wasn’t actually caused by their behavior in the first place. Which came first? I took a closer look and realized that my reactions were in response to their actions, not the other way around.

“This is one of the marks of a truly safe person: they are confrontable.” ~Henry Cloud

They’re Not Building a Future with You

Another sign that it’s not just an anxious attachment problem happens when we recognize that our partner isn’t building a future with us. This is a painful realization. Conversations about the future are redirected, or general enough to cover the fact that we’re just not in their plans.

Healthy relationships talk about the future. Period. End of sentence. If this isn’t happening and is, in fact, being actively avoided as a topic, there’s a real problem. We’re not just imagining it. It’s not paranoia.

If they can’t even talk in general terms about a shared future, they likely aren’t concerned with building one. I’m all about being present in the moment and taking one day at a time, but it’s not realistic to think that doing that and only that can maintain a relationship over time. Shared plans are a normal part of a healthy relationship dynamic.

“I have to remember it is not love that has hurt me; but someone who could not love me in the right way.” ~R. YS Perez

They Keep Fault-Finding

Another sign I missed was when my then-partner began finding fault with me. I don’t believe that I’m perfect. Yet, I noticed that he would point out one flaw after another. I am my own worst critic, and I have anxiety paired with rejection sensitivity. I was prepared to believe anything bad he said about me because I already feared it was true.

What I failed to see is that fault-finding doesn’t mean we’re bad people who need to make a bunch of changes. It means that the relationship isn’t healthy, and we’re being scapegoated for it. We both had faults, but mine were the only ones being picked apart. With every flaw he showed me, I loved him more. With every flaw I revealed, he loved me less until he didn’t love me at all. That’s not how healthy or safe relationships work.

The constant criticism I received wasn’t a sign that my attachment style was damaging the relationship. It was a sign that the relationship was activating my anxiety and triggering my trauma. I didn’t need to perform perfectly in the relationship. I needed to find a relationship where perfection wasn’t required for me to be loved and accepted.

Anxious Attachment vs. Insecure Relationships

If I’m honest, I only put the pieces together after the relationship was over. I’ve done the work of being secure in relationships. What I was experiencing wasn’t a repeat of my anxious attachment. I was anxious because I was noticing things that were problematic. As I began to note inconsistencies, stonewalling, and fault-finding, my ever-sensitive nervous system was letting me know that there were issues that needed my attention. When I realized I was building a shared future completely on my own, that anxiety was trying to get me to see that something wasn’t right.

“Denial of one’s need for others is the most common type of defense against bonding. If people come from a situation, whether growing up or later in life, where good, safe relationships were not available to them, they learn to deny that they even want them. Why want what you can’t have? They slowly get rid of their awareness of the need.” ~Henry Cloud

I couldn’t change what he was doing or what he wanted. I tried to address the problems as they presented themselves in the relationship. I tried to be the perfect, thoughtful, caring girlfriend. I kept trying, but trying wasn’t fixing the problem because — as it turns out — I wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I was reacting to what was happening rather than responding to it. The problem was that I needed to leave, but I was stuck trying to find any other answer.

I wanted to find a solution that made the relationship better. I didn’t want to face the fact that I couldn’t do that alone. I didn’t want to face the truth that the relationship wasn’t heading in a good direction. I tried denial, but it didn’t stop my anxiety from growing.

It’s important to learn to recognize the difference between an insecure relationship and an anxious attachment style. Relationships that don’t feel consistent, safe, and mutually affectionate are going to make us anxious. We’re not being neurotic; the relationship is problematic, and our nervous systems are at work trying to signal that something isn’t working.

Sometimes, the problem is related to attachment style. Partners who show up for us consistently and are open with their affection could still trigger anxious attachment. If we’re not used to healthy, loving relationships, we might not know how to handle one. It’s possible we’ll imagine problems where there are none because we’re used to managing conflict, not enjoying peace. This is why it’s so difficult to determine the difference between anxious attachment and unstable relationships.

To determine which we’re dealing with, we’ll have to examine the relationships. We might need to ask how much of the anxiety is a response to their actions and how much of it happens no matter what they do. As we begin to distinguish between them, we might find some overlap. It can also give us clarity if the issue we’re facing is an “us” problem for the relationship to handle or if it’s a personal problem we need to handle individually. Sometimes, it’s both. To move forward, we need to confront the issues we’re seeing.

“This is how you build secure attachment: through daily attunement to the subtle cues of other people and lavishing love and care, while letting them come and go as needed. In this kind of connection, you know your home base is always there for you, so you feel comfortable going out into the world, taking risks, trying new or scary things, because you can return to safe arms when you need to.” ~Nora Samaran

In point of fact, that doesn’t have to end the relationship. We can address these issues and see if our partner is open to working on the problems we’ve noticed. You’ve probably guessed that it didn’t work out that way for me. I was able to be upfront about some of the problems I noticed, but there wasn’t a happily ever after conclusion waiting for me — just the realization that what once was good was good no longer, and I deserved to move on and find happiness elsewhere.

I’ve always been the kind of person who falls in love and then flinches, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s taken time to learn to be secure in relationships — and longer still to realize that when the security leaves the relationship dynamic, I need to leave, too. I always tried to blame myself for everything that went wrong. With my background, I was the perfect scapegoat. I just don’t need a scapegoat anymore. Instead, I need to pay attention and trust what I already know to be true.

…

Crystal Jackson is a former therapist who now writes full-time and occasionally can be found teaching a yoga class in the charming town of Madison, Georgia, where she lives. You’ll find her contemporary romance series anywhere books are sold, beginning with Left on Main. Her non-fiction work has been featured on Medium, Elite Daily, Thought Catalog, Your Tango, Mamamia, The Urban Howl, The Good Men Project, Elephant Journal, The Truly Charming, and more.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***