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My Father was never involved in my life in any meaningful way. He never paid a day of child support, never took me with him on weekend visitation—well, one day he did but it was at gunpoint and I was about 13 and that’s a REALLY long story.
He left my mother and me before my sister was born and basically left us destitute and on public assistance. A mother with a 10-year-old and a newborn thrived without him due to our mother’s ingenuity and tenacity. It’s appropriate that I write this on the evening of Mother’s Day, my first Mother’s Day since Mom passed in February of this year. I am the man that I am because of my mother and the other women who nurtured me. I am also comfortable admitting that there are women who continue to do so.
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The long-term effect of growing up without my dad is that I am the type of man whom any relatively sane woman would appreciate. I am not a macho uncaring neanderthal man; I have love and peace in my heart. I nurture the people who choose to love me, even those who don’t still get my weird mix of Christianity, Buddhism, and Metaphysical presence draped in a blanket of love.
If I am in a relationship with someone, her needs and wants matter. I am always open to listen and never allow other things to distract me when she speaks. I value the woman who chooses to love me, It’s just how I am wired. I saw how my father treated my mother and I knew at a very young age that it was wrong….especially because I knew how much she loved him and never, ever loved another man since in that way up until her death. I am by no means saying that was healthy (it was a different generation) I am just saying what it was.
If there is a negative—which I also perceive as a positive—it is my desire to be authentically loved, to want that nuclear family, you know the unattainable dream for most of us: the wife, the kids, the community, blah blah. I say it because it’s something I have always desired, but it has alluded me. There is a good man, a good husband, a good listener and a good partner in me. My heart is open and I am capable of loving someone unconditionally (I have proved that in my personal life.)
Newsflash: Most men want what women want also for their lives. Not all of us want one night stands, random strangers in their bed whose names you won’t remember. Most men deeply desire to be in love and in lust with the same woman but we haven’t been raised to understand that the desire for sex is really a desire for connection, to be loved and in a safe place. Check Dr. Jed Diamond’s article related and his MenAlive website.
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The long term effects of being Fatherless? Well, I think it’s mostly the desire to be accepted. But that dissipates as you age and realize that maybe Dad not being around helped me cage my own inner asshole. I probably would have been a complete jerk if my father had stayed around and perpetuated the myth that his behavior with my m was acceptable male behavior towards a woman you claimed to love. His example was completely unacceptable and you don’t treat anyone you love, not your wife, your child, your dog the way he chose to treat (or not treat depending on your perspective cause dude wasn’t there) his family that he created and abandoned. Clearly, that was his choice and his life hasn’t been all peaches and cream either. Karma is a bitch, as they say.
The effects were felt as a child and made me tougher growing up in New York City. Everyone in the projects knew I didn’t have a dad but they knew there was a little man in the house and that was me. I had to learn to fight on my own, no one taught me. I had to protect and defend my sister and my mother growing up, I had to do more than any 10-year-old should have had to do, including hitting my father with a baseball bat when he hit my mom one night. But dig this, I am not angry not one bit. I forgave him years ago, his leaving was the best thing for me, my mother and my sister because there was peace in the house. No yelling, cursing, backlash tension from the infidelity that he brought when he showed up. I knew from my dad’s example the kind of man not to be.
My father was an alcoholic and that became ingrained in my 11-year-old psyche when I saw him knock a bottle of gin over on a coffee table in the living room, and I saw him lick it up off the table. I drink rarely and trust me, gin is nowhere in my mixologist’s guide to bartending.
How this contributed to who I am as an adult male is that I am very empathetic to the plights of Single Mothers. I understand their struggle, fear, and hopes. I am patient with the people I love even when they are offensive to me. I am capable of unconditional love and I have an open heart if you chose to enter and participate with me. The effect that growing up without a dad on my decision-making skills? is that “I own it” The decisions are all mine, right or wrong, I made it…I live with it and I do not blame others for what I do or the mistakes that I make. I really feel that I owe no one an explanation for my behavior (as long as it doesn’t hurt or offend them).
A village of good men raised me. Some intentionally some unintentionally so I am an amalgam of the men who have groomed me for adulthood. Visible role models exist that help any young man look towards the future and tell themselves that even without a father, I will rise, I am worthy, and I am loved. President Barack Obama is a shining example of a man who grew up fatherless who is perhaps the greatest leader in the 21st Century. President Bill Clinton, Sean “Puffy” Combs, Cary Grant, Samuel L Jackson, Jay-Z, Jet-Li, LL Cool J, Eddie Murphy, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Paul McCartney, Kevin Hart, Tom Cruise. Our nation’s Founding Father George Washington and The great philosopher Confucius…all Fatherless boys that grew up to be great men with positive contributions to society at large. The Fatherless Boys Club includes high-achieving men who want to ensure that their lives matter.
My 5 reasons my adult self is glad I didn’t have a relationship with my dad growing up?
- I am not an asshole, nor do I play one on TV
- I know the kind of man I don’t want to be and it made be a better Father and Step Father
- There was some modicum of peace when he left
- We were happier without him
- My empathic heart helps to rule my actions
What are 5 things about growing up without a father that had a negative impact on your adult self?
- I didn’t learn how to shave with a straight razor until I was 40 (it was like something I had to teach myself, I was obsessed with learning this skill)
- I had to learn to depend only on myself to fight my battles (no backup) so I kind of do things alone by choice, especially the ugly stuff in life
- The lack of Fatherly love and Maternal depression put me on a search for authentic and meaningful love
- I had no sense of a man’s place in religion and in worshipping my higher power
- I had no role model that was my very own
My Mom, her circle of friends, my uncles (gay and straight) and significant male role models created a village that was mine, exclusively. A series of people who ensured that I got the right message at the right time. A group of people who had my back even when the rebel child in me didn’t want it or didn’t want to hear it. I can safely say I understand every lesson now that was delivered and have internalized all of them for my greater good. The author, spirit and thought leader Iyanla Vanzant drove this point home for me: “All things are lessons that God would have us learn. What if your fathers not being actively present in your life-What if the lesson for you to learn was “Don’t take being a father lightly?” That was my takeaway, so when I am in the role of Father, Step-Father, Uncle or protector of the Fatherless, I relish my role and take it seriously whether the child is mine or not. In honor of those that chose to guide me in love growing up without a father. I got the lesson.
For those of you still struggling with the lack of a father (and there are many, even grown men), Sister Vanzant taps our sensitive souls when she says: “Don’t forgive him. Forgive yourself for believing there is something lacking in you because he wasn’t there”. Look in the mirror, repeat to yourself all that you have done, how good a man you are, dependable, loving, caring. And then say, “he missed out on knowing the better part of himself”. Then go out and make the world a better place because of the privileged club that you are a member of.
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Wow, beautiful article my friend. I’m lost for words.
Franklin, Thanks for a caring, insightful, sensitive, and hard-loving article. Coming to peace with our lost fathers and all the lost fathers of the world allows us to find the deeper lessons we are meant to learn about love, life, compassion, and the real meaning of manhood. Write on, my brother.