Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.
~ Rita Rudner, Comedian
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Content warning: this article includes pet peeves, venting, and a bit of humor.
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As you can imagine, I’ve got a bone to pick with my beau (Samuel) and the toilet seat — we’ve had plenty of arguments over the same. The most recent one [over the New Year’s holiday on a mini-vacation] went down [pun intended] like this.
Me: Ok, babe. You left the toilet seat up again.
Him: I did?
Me: [Eyes rolling, hands on my waist, blood pressure rising] Yeah!! We go through this all the time. Why can’t you just pay more attention?
Him: Alright already. I don’t see what the big deal is.
Me: That’s my point, it’s never a big deal for you, but we’ve been together for two years and I’ve constantly reminded you how it disgusts me to see the toilet seat up often with your urine adorning the rim. [As I wait for him to get up from the bed, walk over to the bathroom, and put the toilet seat down — which he does].
Him: Don’t tell me again.
Hoping to prevent the situation from turning into a full-blown argument and likely ruining our short three-night getaway, I hold my tongue.
It only happened once during our time away. Still, I’m not convinced the issue is a closed one.
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To share just a bit about me. I’m the only daughter [middle child] of a single mother, with two brothers. While I don’t have any childhood toilet seat memories insofar as my brothers are concerned, I do remember being bullied in school. I was also a shy child.
Into young adulthood, starting when I went away to college at SUNY Farmingdale, on Long Island, I quickly shed my shyness. And no one dared bully me — I became opinionated, tolerating nonsense from no one! I also realized I had little patience (this is something I’ve been working on for years).
Back to the toilet seat.
Aside from being married [to Özgür] for nearly six years, I also lived with a male roommate [Goran] for four years and shared a bathroom with two other men with whom Özgür and I lived briefly for five months. Both during my time living [alone] with Özgür as well as living with Goran (though he was only a part-time roommate who stayed at the apartment 6–8 days per month), I don’t recall one argument over a dirty toilet seat or it being left up. However, sharing the bathroom during that five-month period [with me being the only woman using it, aside from one of the men’s girlfriend’s infrequent visits], the toilet seat situation was often a source of irritation.
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Before getting into details about my pet peeves surrounding the t-word, I thought to research a bit of the history. Of course, we know our ancestors of centuries ago had it much worse. There existed no such things as biodegradable wet wipes and smooth ceramic seats on which to lay their rumps.
Family Handyman offers insight into the evolution of the toilet seat.
Toilets used by Egyptians and Harappans, who lived around 4,500 years ago, looked much different than what the Western world is used to today. These seats, which consisted in a communal space in Roman towns, were limestone-carved surfaces placed over simple drainage gullies.
Next up, there’s the commode, defined as ‘a piece of furniture containing a concealed chamber pot.’
Prior to the flush toilet, the renaissance era saw toilets that consisted of a box with a seat and a lid covering a porcelain or copper pot to catch the waste. The toilet seats were simple wooden structures.
The Family Handyman article goes on to talk about a more sophisticated apparatus with the invention of the flushing feature.
While many believe Thomas Crapper was the inventor of the flush toilet, it was really Sir John Harington, in 1596. Thomas Crapper improved on the original model created by Harington in 1861, and Crapper became widely celebrated as the pioneer of the flush toilet. The seat design closely resembled that of the commode, with a throne seat and high level china cistern. The seat was made of oak or mahogany, and was hinged. Purchasing a new one? Learn how to measure a toilet seat and get it right the first time.
The article continues, mentioning various improvements such as the sanitary toilet seat. Many of us have seen these in public restrooms such as in airports — the seat is fitted with a plastic wrap that moves along the surface area, ensuring a clean seat each time.
There’s the padded toilet seat (a favorite of mine), the washable cushion, and the heated seat. All of these elevate the aesthetic of the bathroom vibe; however, we still must consider our behavior when sitting on [or standing above] the ‘throne.’
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Another thing to factor in — while I’m still taking a break from venting — is the psychology and science of it all. According to this article in The Naked Scientists, there’s a reason for the stereotype of women taking longer in the bathroom as compared to men.
It’s a bit of a running joke that women spend more time in the bathroom than men do, but this stereotype is backed up by the literature. One study found that women spend nearly twice as long on the toilet than their male counterparts. Preparation differences aside, the time difference has two primary reasons: restroom design and gender differences.
Men’s toilets can accommodate more people at a time than women’s. This is why there is usually a queue for the women’s room but rarely a line for the men’s. Urinals take up less space, which means more of them can be fitted in the room, with a stall or two in the back for defaecation. Women’s bathrooms have booths throughout, taking up more space and providing fewer facilities.
The stalls in the toilets also add to the amount of time women spend in there. Women generally have more doors to open and close, and more clothing to remove and replace when they need to do their business. It’s a lot easier for men, leading to faster turnaround times
The article got me wondering about something I hadn’t considered before. Is it possible the invention of the urinal created a ‘mental block’ in the male mind, making it so that when they use a toilet seat, they forget to lower the seat (since the urinal has no seat)?
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So, what is it about the toilet seat left up that has me so stressed out? Why am I making such a ‘big deal’ about it? After all, as Samuel has reminded me on several occasions, all I have to do is ‘lower it.’
Rather than give six paragraphs on my perspective, an outline works best. My pet peeves —
😡 sprinkling all over the rim
😡 unsanitary
😡 visual (seeing the seat up)
😡 inconsiderate
Since Samuel and I do not currently live together, ours is not an issue of designated bathroom chores. And for the record, we did live together for about seven weeks before I moved into the house I now rent. (Side note: when we co-habitated, once in a blue I would clean his bathroom — it was only fair as I was living rent-free and he never once asked me for a dime).
In fairness to my partner, another point I must make is he is not some slob, unconcerned with cleanliness. He showers daily and when we go out for date night, he usually arrives to pick me up dressed all schnazzy.
So, what is behind his behavior with the t-seat?
It could also be the fact he’d been single for seven years before I entered his life. He’s also 14 years my senior which means he’s very set in his ways. Generally speaking, Samuel is a calm and mild-mannered man — he rarely raises his voice.
For me, it’s about being considerate and remembering that while the toilet seat issue isn’t a big deal for him, it certainly is for me. When we’ve argued about it, I haven’t once said to him what I sometimes wanted to —
I’m not your mother. I’m not going to clean up after your mess.
I haven’t said this to him out of respect for the memory of his mother [someone who he was very close to], and also because as an adult, neither his mother nor any other person should be expected to wipe [or turn down] the seat after his use.
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As I’m certain many men might read this article, I wanted to share another perspective I found online. This image says it all. And while I don’t wear makeup, I’ve had many femme friends who have been known to create this exact mess in the bathroom.
To be clear: this article isn’t about who makes more of a disaster in the bathroom. It isn’t about accusing all men of being inconsiderate. It is about my venting, but it’s also about my curiosity.
What do other folks think on the topic. Has it created stress in your romantic relationships or other non-romantic relationships?
To my partner’s credit, he has gotten better about putting the toilet seat down when he uses the bathroom at my house. I’ve also noticed whenever I stay at his place, he’s usually extra aware and I’ve seen him spraying down the toilet seat with disinfectant while also using pouring some cleanser in the basin, and vigorously scrubbing it with the toilet brush.
He really is a decent human being.
For my part, I’m working on being calmer, especially on this subject. I plan to talk to him about it — with patience and compassion. Perhaps with a different approach to the topic, he and I can find a healthier way to deal with it, together.
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Final note about ‘hovering.’ I found this on Mari de Armas’s blog where the writer, storyteller, and professional observer shares thoughts on Slippery When Wet. The blogger writes a letter to ‘Toilet Seat Squatters’ where they detail what it was like having a grandmother who warned of the dangers of ‘toilet seat sharing.’
Did your grandmother sell you a lie that you would catch membrionic cataclistical bacterium* by somehow allowing your bare butt to touch the toilet seat of an office building?
You must be wondering how I know so much about your grandmother. Well, it’s because I too have a grandmother, and she tried to convince of the dangers of toilet seat sharing. Whenever we were out and about town and nature called, I had to hear her Don’t Sit, speech from the moment I asked to pee to the point when I was done washing my hands. As annoying as this was, it wasn’t as stressful and difficult as actually being stripped down and lifted onto an adult toilet to then be coached into streaming my body’s warm Mountain Dew into the bowl and not down my leg, where it inevitably went anyway.
Catch the entire article here:
Slippery when wet
Dear toilet seat squatters, Hi. How are you? That’s nice. How am I doing? Well, not so great. You see, you have sprayed…
maridearmas.com
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Gracias for reading.
If you enjoyed this read, subscribe to my stories here. You can also check me out on Instagram, my website, Lola’s Lines, via LinkedIn, and/or my travel blog, La Trekista.
I appreciate each of you.
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Acknowledging the Arawak, the First Peoples of Borikén, on whose unceded lands my work is created. In gratitude for and in honor of our Elders, past, present, and emerging. May my work always unapologetically and boldly uplift our wondrous Indigenous Taíno, Iñeri, and African roots.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Gabor Monori on Unsplash