Time is important. It’s the most valuable resource when it comes to life, you can’t repurchase it, and you can’t go back in time (Unless your name is Marty McFly). One time is spent. It’s gone, never to be seen again.
But there’s another element of dating that I feel is severely underrated.
The skill that can make all the difference when it comes to dating:
FOCUS.
You have to commit yourself to focus on the goal of finding your person if you really want a life partner. You might think you have all the time in the world. But you don’t.
The myth of natural dating
“Focus on dating? Committed to a goal of fionding someone. Ugh dating should come natural”. Did that thought just enter that lovely noggin of yours?
But I’ll let you in on a little secret. There’s no such thing as natural or organic dating. Everything requires thought and action. Dating involves two people with different personalities, preferences, and backgrounds trying to connect and form a relationship. To do so successfully, it requires effort and intentionality from both parties. It doesn’t just magically appear cause you’re both compatible.
Even if two people are naturally compatible, they still need to communicate, show interest, plan dates, and build a connection. Moreover, factors such as societal norms, personal insecurities, and past experiences can affect the way people approach dating. So there isn’t much that’s natural about it apart from the biological necessity of being with someone. Despite what the modern harpies and drainers of positivity might tell you. No human being on this planet was born to be alone.
Therefore, it is crucial to put conscious thought and effort into dating rather than relying on a belief that it should happen “naturally” or “organically.” Sorry to say, but life isn’t a rom-com. I wish it were. But even if you’re the recipient of someone approaching you in a supermarket. They still took action to have a conversation and had a good idea as to where they wanted their actions and conversation with you to go. Besides, if someone so effortlessly sweeps you off your feet at the local Krogers/Tesco. Trust me, they’ve done it before.
“Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.” — Seneca the Younger.
So what does it mean to be focused on dating?
This might involve setting goals, reflecting on past experiences, working on personal growth, and being intentional in communication and actions with potential partners. It might look like this.
- Setting goals: One way to improve your dating life is by setting goals that align with your personal values and desires. This can include identifying the kind of relationship you want, the qualities you seek in a partner, and the type of experiences you want to have.
- Reflecting on past experiences: Try to reflect on your past dating experiences and learn from them. This can involve identifying patterns, recognizing what works and what doesn’t, and taking steps to avoid repeating negative experiences.
- Working on personal growth: Personal growth is an ongoing process that can positively impact all areas of your life, including your dating life. This can involve working on areas such as self-confidence, communication skills, and emotional intelligence.
- Being intentional in communication: Communication is key in any relationship, and being intentional in your communication can help you build stronger connections with potential partners. This can include actively listening, expressing your thoughts and feelings clearly, and being open to feedback.
- Being intentional in actions: In addition to communication, being intentional in your actions can also help you build stronger connections with potential partners. This can include showing up consistently, following through on commitments, and being honest and authentic in your interactions.
It means being present.
Focus is the ability to direct your attention and energy toward a specific task or goal. When it comes to dating, focus means being fully present in the moment and giving your undivided attention to the person you’re with. It sounds like such a novel concept, right? But so many people have their heads so far up their own arse it’s hard for them to focus on one person, it’s hard for them to focus when they’re with that one person, and it’s hard for some people to look past themselves.
You should be listening to what they have to say, showing genuine interest, and being emotionally available. Imagine you are a musical instrument, and your potential partner is the conductor. They are waving their baton, trying to create a beautiful symphony, the next Debussy classic! To make this happen, you need to listen carefully to their instructions, show genuine interest in the music you’re creating together, and be emotionally available to experience romantic greatness!
It’s such a simple process. Ask questions about their hobbies or interests, or it could involve deeper conversations about their hopes, dreams, and fears. All human beings are emotional creatures and connect when they feel deep levels of emotion, which requires being present and attentive during conversations. Master how to activate both your emotions and watch that connection thrive quicker than Miracle Grow on crack!
I’m not naive to assume this is easy for everyone. Being emotionally available also means being open and vulnerable with your partner. This is hard if you’ve been hurt in the past, but it’s essential for building a strong and healthy relationship. There is no escaping this. How could you possibly be focused if you’re not giving yourself a full deck of cards? Once you realize you have no control over how someone feels, you’ll be able to put it all on the line, be honest with your potential partner about your feelings, fears, and insecurities, as well as being receptive to their own vulnerabilities.
“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” — Marcus Aurelius
Do you see the power of focus now?
When you’re focused, you’re able to pick up on subtleties and nuances in their behavior and communication, which can help you better understand them. I wear glasses, and sometimes dating is like wearing glasses with a higher prescription than you’re used to.
Just as the glasses help you see details and small text that you wouldn’t be able to otherwise, being focused helps you pick up on the subtle hints and nonverbal cues that your potential partner may be giving you. Without that focus, you may miss important information that could help you better understand their intentions and feelings, therefore making you an ideal and viable person to date. Trust me, to high-quality people; these skills are very noticeable and actually matter. It could be the difference between you and some other person trying to win them over.
So, just like putting on those glasses, when you’re focused on dating, you’re able to see things more clearly and with greater detail. You’re also better equipped to respond to their needs and desires, which can make them feel valued and appreciated. When you’re focused the journey you take when you try, and date will sharpen your human interpersonal skills in general. My friends, this is a win-win!
Is this clear to you yet? 🙂
“Concentrate all your thoughts upon the work in hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.” — Alexander Graham Bell.
No more anxiety!
Additionally, focus can help you overcome dating anxiety. I remember feeling incredibly anxious before going on first dates. I was worried about what to wear, what to say, and whether or not I would have any chemistry. But as soon as I sat down with her and started talking, I began to focus on the present moment. And remember the articles I had read on being focused.
I listened intently to what she had to say, asked thoughtful questions, and let go of any worries or anxieties about the future. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I found myself truly enjoying the experience of getting to know the first dates I had.
I was kinda shocked at how much easier it was to relax and be myself when I wasn’t constantly worrying about what could go wrong. But just being present and focused on my date.
Focusing on the present moment was key to overcoming my dating anxiety. By letting go of my fears and worries, I was able to be more emotionally available and connect with someone new in a way that felt authentic and meaningful.
But as per usual, I won’t just bore you with anecdotes and cringy analogies. I’ll leave some actionable tips you can use today!
Here are some tips:
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present at the moment. It involves paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations without judgment. Practicing mindfulness can help you become more aware of your own emotional state and better able to regulate your responses.
- Limit distractions: When you’re on a date, put away your phone and other devices. This will help you stay present and engaged with the person you’re with.
- Ask questions: One of the best ways to show someone that you’re interested in them is to ask them questions. Not only does this demonstrate that you’re paying attention, but it can also help you learn more about their values, interests, and personality.
- Be open-minded: Focusing on the present moment also means being open-minded and willing to explore new experiences. Don’t be afraid to step outside of your comfort zone and try something new.
So now what?
Time is indeed the most valuable resource in life, but so is the skill of focus when it comes to dating. You must dispel the myth of natural dating and realize that finding a meaningful connection with someone requires effort, intentionality, and conscious thought. A driving passion of your “why” that fills your heart with drive and tenacity to go out and go after what you want!
It means setting goals, reflecting on past experiences, working on personal growth, and being intentional in communication and actions with potential partners. When you’re focused, you can pick up on subtleties and nuances in their behavior and communication, which can help you better understand them. It’s like putting on a pair of glasses with a higher prescription, allowing you to see things more clearly and respond to their needs and desires.
Practicing mindfulness, limiting distractions, asking questions, and being open-minded are all actionable tips to help you be present and overcome dating anxiety.
Let’s commit to being focused in our dating lives and enjoy the journey towards finding our person. The reward of a meaningful and authentic connection with someone is well worth the effort.
“The key to success is to focus our conscious mind on things we desire not things we fear.” — Brian Tracy.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Kateryna Hliznitsova on Unsplash