The other day, I was chatting with some classmates, and one of them made a very insightful comment: every man desires success. If he can marry a virtuous wife, there’s no reason he won’t succeed in life. A man’s success largely depends on the type of wife he marries, the type of woman he falls in love with. The same goes for women.
For many men with similar family backgrounds, the gap in their future lives largely depends on the quality of their wives. It’s clear that men who marry good women are more likely to succeed, while those who marry poorly can be held back.
We must admit that in marriage, the type of person you fall in love with will determine the type of marriage you will have.
Whether a man or a woman is happy sometimes depends on the attitude of their partner. If their partner cheats, even if you have the courage, you can easily be held back by their callousness. The best way is to be able to let go, accept the outcome, and bravely move on.
A Narcissistic Woman’s Marriage
Between spouses, there needs to be a meeting of minds. The deeper the love, the more you care about how your partner sees you. Poor family conditions are not scary; what’s scary is when the person you love no longer sees you the same way.
Encountering an extramarital affair not only makes the marriage difficult but also deeply affects the future paths of both people.
Let me share a divorce story I heard recently, narrated by a woman.
It’s been 3 years since her divorce, and she gradually feels that her post-divorce life is not what she imagined. She regrets taking that step, regrets falling in love with a man who only wanted to take advantage of her, regrets being so heartless towards her ex-husband, regrets getting divorced.
Let’s call this lady Lily, 38 years old now, divorced for 3 years. She feels a lot of self-blame now, more insecure. Looking back at that wrong decision, she thinks it may affect the rest of her life. She gave up a great family for a man who ended up dumping her.
Lily says: Even if I realize my mistake now, it’s too late. Some emotional mistakes were because I was too self-centered, always thinking a man’s pursuit of me was admiration. I had a happy family, a loving husband, and smart children, but because of my vanity, I believed his (lover’s) praises, accepted his pursuits, and gradually lost my marriage and family.
Lily and her husband (ex-husband) were schoolmates, got together in their early 20s. After about 6 years of courtship, they got married at 27 and had a baby the following year.
At that time, Lily had simple expectations for marriage — she just wanted her husband by her side, caring for her. Her husband lived up to her expectations after marriage. Not only did he entrust his salary card to Lily, but he also took good care of her in daily life.
This was the happiness Lily wanted, but she, like some who fantasize about relationships, began to feel the weight of marriage. As time passed, she started to find their days together too dull.
Lily says: He was my first love, my only man. We were happy at first, but after a few years, I discovered my own merits. People praised my looks, called me virtuous, and I started to become narcissistic. I felt like floating, yearning for romance and warmth, forgetting the purpose of marriage.
If He Hadn’t Pursued Me, I Wouldn’t Have Cheated
Lily, who got married at 27, spent year after year with her husband, gradually getting tired of the monotonous life. Although the couple had a good relationship, Lily no longer felt the past romantic sentiments. Whenever she saw other husbands being affectionate to their wives, Lily felt envious. In her mind, her husband never pampered or cared for her as much as others did.
According to Lily, 5 years into their marriage, she felt like hers was a stagnant pond compared to others’ marriages. Women crave love, and this desire is sometimes insatiable.
At the age of 34, their marriage had gone through the “seven-year itch” phase. Lily believed their marriage was solid, but the romance and warmth were missing. She longed to be cared for and protected.
Lily recalls: I love my husband, but I do have some complaints. He doesn’t take care of me as much as before. When we argue, he’s always logical, not understanding or accommodating. Many people appreciate me, but my own man doesn’t, and that makes me feel wronged. I long to be nurtured, loved. If it weren’t for that man pursuing me, I wouldn’t have done those foolish things.
Four years ago, one evening after work, Lily’s colleagues had a dinner gathering. Instead of going home, Lily joined them. A few of her colleagues drank a lot that day. As they were dispersing, a male colleague who had always been friendly with Lily confessed his feelings for her.
Lily says: We had been appreciating each other for over a year. He always praised my looks, called me virtuous, even envied my husband for marrying me. He often teased me, and though I felt uncomfortable, I enjoyed the warmth of his attention. We had always kept a distance, enjoying his caring demeanor. That night, he drank too much and insisted on taking me home, which warmed my heart.
Originally, he was supposed to drive Lily home, but he was so drunk he could hardly walk. Lily ended up having to help him back to his place, all the way inside. As soon as they got inside, he confessed his feelings to Lily, saying he had liked her for a long time. He held Lily tightly, not letting her go, pulling her towards the bedroom.
Lily says: I knew he had wanted to confess for a while, and his tight embrace left me feeling confused. If he hadn’t been so insistent on keeping me there, I wouldn’t have done what I did. It’s his lack of respect that led to it. It wasn’t until after 11 p.m. when my husband called, wondering why I hadn’t returned home yet, that I finally snapped out of it. I hurried home, but the mistake had already been made and couldn’t be undone.
Divorce Broke Her Husband’s Heart
Since that day, Lily’s mindset changed. After crossing that line with him, she no longer cared much about what followed. Lily, tasting the sweetness, couldn’t forget him, and they became lovers. For a whole year, they would meet whenever they could.
Lily recalls: That day, his wife had gone to her parents’ house. If she hadn’t, I wouldn’t have done what I did, and he wouldn’t have succeeded. We developed a feeling we couldn’t describe, like longing, sometimes missing him when we couldn’t meet. Was this love? I don’t know, but it felt like love, like that feeling of first love years ago.
A year may seem short, but for a sensitive woman, a year of extramarital affair was enough to make Lily forget her identity, forget whose wife she was! Even though she knew it was wrong, she couldn’t bring herself to end it. Sometimes she felt jealous, sometimes she even fantasized about a future with him.
Over 3 years ago, Lily’s husband finally noticed her lack of focus on the family. Being smart, he quickly found evidence of Lily’s affair outside. What was once a calm marriage was suddenly filled with arguments, and Lily couldn’t explain herself, only becoming more stubborn.
Lily says: My husband wanted me to admit my mistake, but how could I if he treated me well? If he had cherished me, how could I have fallen for someone else? After so many years together, we had a few good days, and hearing him scold me made me feel wronged. Even if we divorced, I wouldn’t admit my mistake; it was all his doing.
Her husband gradually became passive, willing to let go for the sake of the family. As long as Lily resigned and left that man, her husband would pretend nothing happened.
At that time, Lily just wanted to leave as soon as possible. Even if her husband forgave her, she didn’t want to accept it. She just wanted a divorce, seeking the happy life she desired.
Lily says: I broke my husband’s heart, and I felt guilty. But I had no way out. Even though he said he forgave me, I couldn’t believe it. With things having escalated, all I could do was seek a divorce. He cried in front of me, begging me not to leave, but I still left, breaking his heart and cutting off my own path.
Genuine Giving, Ultimately Played
Lily says: There were two reasons for the divorce. One, I felt I had no way out; my husband wouldn’t easily forgive me, so I had to think long-term. The second reason is that I did have expectations for life after divorce, dreaming of a better life. Perhaps divorce would lead to a better life. I believed he (her lover) would keep his promises, marry me.
After the divorce, to cut ties with her ex-husband, Lily blocked him. Even so, her ex-husband would occasionally call, asking her to come back for the sake of their child. Lily blocked one number after another, but he kept trying to contact her.
Lily was annoyed. Every time she answered the phone, they would argue, with her telling him to stop dreaming. After about 4 months post-divorce, her ex-husband gradually stopped contacting her and stopped pleading with her.
With her ex-husband no longer “bothering” her, Lily felt like something was missing in her heart. Despite her lover’s promises to marry her, he continued to treat his wife well, showing no signs of divorce.
Whenever Lily felt jealous, her lover would reassure her, “Wait for me; once the child finishes school, I’ll divorce her.” Lily was naive, always waiting for that day. But what she didn’t expect was to one night, while alone at home, stumble upon a photo of him with another female colleague on his phone.
Lily recalls: I suddenly realized I had been played. He was still involved with other female colleagues, saying the same sweet words to all of them! I can’t describe the feeling at that moment. I woke him up, but before I could confront him, he called me petty and left.
Naturally, Lily was furious. She had hurt her family for him, divorced for his promise to marry her, only to be played in the end. In his eyes, she was not special, not unique, just one of his many toys.
Lily says: The next day, he said it was over, and he stopped answering my calls. I cared about my image at work and didn’t want to make a scene, as it would affect my reputation. I tried talking to that female colleague, hoping she would expose him with me, but she said I couldn’t handle it and mocked my naivety. She thought it was fine as it was, to not hurt each other’s families.
In the end, Lily had to break up. Within a year of her divorce, she felt utterly lonely. She had given her all genuinely, only to be dumped when he was done playing.
Men Will Never Truly Love a Woman Who Cheats
Reflecting on the breakup, Lily said he had no conscience. When Lily confronted him and asked why he had deceived her feelings, his response made Lily see the reality.
He told Lily: From the start, it was just a game between us. I kept advising you not to divorce, but you didn’t listen. We’re not kids anymore; we were just using each other. Why take it seriously? There’s hardly a woman like you in today’s world, so dedicated. I never thought you would actually take it seriously. It’s my fault, but I don’t want to give up my family. If possible, go back to your ex-husband, I hope you find happiness. Please be understanding; don’t ruin my family.
Lily let go of the entanglements, gradually realizing she had brought it upon herself. His words were harsh but realistic. No man would truly love a woman who betrays her family. The “I love you” was just a game between them.
Over the next 2 years, every time Lily thought of the divorce, every time she thought of the breakup, she regretted deeply. She wanted to turn back time but her ex-husband had long stopped contacting her, and she couldn’t bring herself to go back.
Lily says: I tried dating twice, but it didn’t work out. The ones with good conditions didn’t want me, and the ones who did, I didn’t fancy. So, I spent 2 years like this, and suddenly I’m 38. My youth and beauty are fading, and I yearn to return to my ex-husband. I would kneel before him for a year if he forgave me. But I care too much about my image; I’m not ready to back down yet. I don’t know what to do; I hope my ex-husband will beg me to come back. If he asks, I will turn around and go back to him.
And that’s where Lily’s story ends. If she remarries in the future, maybe I’ll write her story again. There’s a fifty-fifty chance of remarriage; it depends on when her ex-husband makes a decision.
In marriage, some truths are best understood early. Marriage is about living life together, needing long-term stability. No one would sincerely accept someone who abandons their original family. Even if they do, it won’t end well. Talk of love is mostly irrelevant.
In conclusion, good men marry good women, always having the courage to strive. Good women marry good men, as long as they don’t have too many illusions, they will find life very happy.
The decision-making process, the mindset affects the outcome. Choosing the right person, as long as both sincerely give, life won’t be too bad. If that person is truly irredeemable, focus on yourself. Some people are not worth saving, some relationships end after one mistake.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Anda Deea on Unsplash