I have a friend—we’ll call him Jack—who has been dating a woman who only wants his money. For the first time in his life, he’s got more than enough dollars to spare, so he’s been spending benjamins in hopes of winning her love.
When paying for her didn’t work, he proposed and they got engaged. I inquired as to why he felt marriage would help; he replied, “It makes it more real. This way we’re committed and not playing any games.”
I scratched my head. In my experience counseling nearly 1,000 married couples, I know that marriage only intensifies every emotion: the good, the bad, and the ugly. His hope that wedding rings and a celebration would make things “more real” was a disillusioned attempt to win a woman’s heart. In my desire to help and encourage him to see what mess he’d be getting himself into, I suggested he try couple’s counseling before marriage.
My suggestion was merely a way to get him to put her through a more rigorous form of commitment. Something to help the two of them put their love up to a test. By taking a class, they would learn to communicate better; she’d have to do more than just give lip service to commitment and he’d watch her actions, and she’d see his. This small act would help them commit, go through the steps, and help them work on their issues early on.
As he proceeded to arrange plans for his wedding, I bit my tongue. I desperately wanted to say, “You’re making a wrong move. Get out now!” I held back and followed the easier path and softly encouraged couple’s counseling. He didn’t take the action I’d hoped. Watching him, I knew sometime soon his cavalier attitude about love would land him from ‘heads in the clouds’ to a rude awakening.
I didn’t push the topic more than a few suggestions. I stayed silent and congratulated my friend, in hopes that my ten-plus years experience with couples would prove me wrong. After seeing as many couples as I have, I’ve also learned to keep an open mind; love does work in mysterious ways. I’ve been wrong about couples on a few occasions. Most of the time, I am not.
He sent me pictures of lovely text messages, told me how excited he was for a future to come. I did my best to celebrate with him. I tried to smile and congratulate him, his happiness, though built on swampy water, nonetheless made me happy for him.
Then one week before the wedding, Jack called me and with a heavy heart says, “Luis, I am sorry to tell you, but I’ve called off the wedding.”
Do you think I was shocked?
Not one bit.
He was sad, surprised that their pattern of exchanging money for love had only gotten worse. His dream to make love more real had turned into his worse nightmare. He wasn’t in a relationship built on respect; it was an exchange. While he hoped she’d show more love, she showed more greed. Shocked that her smaller requests had grown into six-figure demands, he was devastated.
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Sadly, I saw his demise coming from day one. I bit my tongue with him but this article is my warning for any man or woman who hopes that marriage will help a lousy relationship become great.
If a couple hopes that a wedding will intensify the love, they’re in for a rude awakening. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. Whatever is there to begin with will only become more evident as the couple walks down the path of becoming spouses. Sadly, most couples don’t know this, and it’s why most marriages fail. Most people don’t understand what marriage is for and so they lose the game before it even starts. A marriage built on faulty legs won’t improve because vows are exchanged, in fact, it will only magnify the chaos already present.
Marriage doesn’t create more love; it intensifies whatever is there. If love is intense and passion is hot, a marriage will amplify that and challenge you to grow in that way. If greed, lust, and ulterior motives are there, a marriage will bring that to the light evermore.
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If you’re considering getting married, I highly suggest you try premarital counseling. Pre-marital classes have many couples decide if marriage is right before the wedding. They work. This is why many churches, religions, and counselors advise couples to get some form of marriage counseling before the couple exchanges vows. Marriage is a loaded gun and people who don’t know this is bound to get hurt.
Traditional wisdom, the very tradition that created marriage, has found that love is an action. Classes make people act out their love, go through some smaller tests, and help them understand more clearly what marriage is and isn’t. Love cannot be bought or coerced; it is an action and classes will help you know if the wedding will be an act of love or desperation.
In the case of my friend, I am not sure if the classes would resolve the chasm of his heart. He was trying to buy love, care for someone who didn’t care about him, but it would have helped him create a small test. An education that would help them talk about the issue in the presence of someone that could help point out the problem and bring it to light. Maybe she does love him, but she has some ill ideas about what love is. I don’t know, but I am confident of this, by not taking a class together he spent a lot of money and many hours hurting. A lot of time that I believe a well-adjusted counselor could have addressed and made very clear before he wasted his heart and money on someone.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock