“It’s not that he doesn’t want you to know about him. More likely, he doesn’t think his emotional experience really matters.”
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You might feel like your man is just emotionally “limited” and he’ll never have what it takes to get it right.
My bet is that you’re wrong.
You might feel like your man doesn’t want you to know about him.
My bet is that you’re wrong.
You might feel like your man just doesn’t care enough about you to show you how he really feels.
My bet is that you’re wrong.
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I don’t know the real deal between the two of you in particular, but I can tell you what I’ve learned over the years from my work with couples. So many men seem emotionally unavailable to their partners. And here’s my take on why:
Men are not socialized to be in touch with their emotions.
This does not mean that they do not have emotions, but that many men are not terribly adept at “going there” and actually accessing them. Boys as early as 5 years old are told to be “big boys” and not cry. They become experts at turning their painful emotions off.
They may seem “emotionally limited” and indeed may have a hard time accessing their emotions, but the emotions are there. Your man has emotions. He just might need a little help getting to know them a little more.
There’s a constant pressure on men to be the best – to earn enough, to be tall enough, to be smart enough.
So many men just wind up feeling inadequate, and the message that they are okay just as they are doesn’t come through often enough. It’s not that he doesn’t want you to know about him. More likely he doesn’t think his emotional experience really matters, if he can even access it, and he’s probably learned that there’s really no point to it.
His world gets thrown upside when you’re dissatisfied with him, and the only thing he knows to do is either get defensive or shut off.
Men want to make their partners happy. Doesn’t everyone?
What he doesn’t realize is that you want him and his emotional presence and experience more than anything. When you’re not getting that, he just gets the message that he can’t get it right, so he feels hopeless and doesn’t even bother trying.
This, understandably, leaves you feeling more frustrated, abandoned and hopeless that he even has what it takes to be in a committed relationship. Sadly, so many women feel like their partners just don’t care enough about them, when in reality, I see men who are feeling so damaged and scared underneath a calm, cool exterior, who want more than anything to make their partners happy, they just don’t know how.
Often, when they try, they don’t get it right enough, and the message that they’re inadequate and unsatisfactory is reflected back to them.
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Brené Brown has became widely known for research on vulnerability. In describing her experience at a book signing, a man noted that he liked her work, but was curious about how she didn’t mention men.
So I looked to him and I said, “I don’t study men.” And he said, “Well, that’s convenient.” And my heart was just like, oh, God. And he said, “We have shame, we have deep shame, but when we reach out and tell our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us.” And he said, “And before you say anything about those mean fathers and those coaches and those brothers and those bully friends, my wife and three daughters, the ones who you just signed the books for, they’d rather see me die on top of my white horse than have to watch me fall off.” Then he just walked away..
Men are in a terrible double bind. We do not give men the message that it’s okay to be vulnerable, and yet at the same time, that’s what their women want so badly: vulnerability, responsiveness, and emotional openness.
Why?
Because vulnerability, responsiveness, and emotional openness is what brings closeness and connection.
That’s what love is all about.
Even if a part of you still questions whether your man really cares, I’m still going to bet that he cares about you more than you realize. And you have an impact on him more than you may realize.
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Originally published: MyBestRelationship.com
Photo: Shutterstock
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You know. I don’t think every man who is “emotionally unavailable” is that way for the same reason. Some men have Asperger’s, some are players, lots in long distance relationships, and then there are those men like this, and after reading this I don’t understand why if a man is aware of his behavior and feelings he does not get help. Yes, men aren’t raised to ask for help. I was raised the same way, not to ask for help and take care of everyone else before myself. I was shamed. I got help. I’ve had two short relationships with… Read more »
so how are we supposed to help with this? i know that letting things build up and then snapping will make them shut down, but even when i don’t he seems to always feel he cant do anything right and always says, ” i just cant do anything right.”. whether i’m “yelling” or not, he thinks everything is an attack and he cant do anything right no matter how i word it, what tone i use, or how i address it. if i address things calmly and try to just express myself and have a conversation, he thinks i’m being… Read more »
Enjoyed it but then at the end saw a woman wrote it. Marvelous. But. A man needs to validate this and write this. That’s the whole point.
To Renee: It is fiercely destructive to stay with anyone who causes you pain in this manner. I left an unavailable partner after two and a half years. As long as he knows you will accept very little, he will give very little. Why would he offer more when you stick around and allow him to remind you that you have no value? If he is truly someone who would like to change to keep you, he would. It’s simple. A good friend of mine had issues with alcohol. He was going to lose his girlfriend behind it. He stopped… Read more »
I’m just supposed to suffer while he figures out his emotional issues what about the damage it does to me
Thank you for this article, I agree with you and your theory. I have had a ‘shut down/off’ partner before and never managed to be able to provide a secure enough feeling space for him to open up. I think he simply didnt believe that I wanted to see the real him, and we didnt stay together long enough to see if it would have happened over time… I’m guessing the first step for women is to make sure they are ready for the ’emotional man’. I bet a few have coaxed their man off the white horse just to… Read more »
When I start a new relationship, after a little while, I’ll usually begin testing the waters. I’ll open up a little a few times and see how she responds. If I see a pattern of bad reactions, I’ll stop. Even if she says she wants me to open up, I’ll look to her actions and believe those instead. If her responses are mixed, I might try to find where the limits are. I’ll roll the dice on big issues that might affect our relationship. If there’s a pattern of positive responses I’ll open up more over time as trust is… Read more »
Michael, I totally understand why you may approach disclosure and vulnerability like that. And I found your insights really valuable. I don’t know your experiences with women. But in my own experiences, I have found that sometimes the men I’ve had relationships with will shut down on being open when they don’t want to hear their partner’s vulnerability and openness in return. I am someone who tries hard to have healthy communication. I am far from perfect but I try. I have had partners share things with me and when I gave them a response that didn’t fully agree with… Read more »
Thanks so much, Erin — and I’m glad you weighed in too! I agree with you – partners need to give each other grace, but sometimes that can be hard to do when they are misunderstood by each other.
For anyone who enjoyed this article, I STRONGLY recommend you all check out the books “Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships,” and/or “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love,” both by Dr. Sue Johnson. You will enjoy them even more!
I will check one of those out. Thank you for the resources Jenev.
That sounds like what I hear from a lot of men, Michael! Actions can speak louder than words! Thanks for sharing your experience.
In my experience, the most common reason for me to “shut down” is simply when I feel I’m not being heard by my partner. E.g. she keeps interrupting me or changing the subject whenever I start sharing, or that agreements are soon forgotten.
And as Michael says, I think men are more prone to look at actions rather than words. If I get mixed responses from opening up, I’ll be more reluctant to continue to continue.
FlyingKal – I think you are in good company. Thank you so much for sharing your experience!
Sotrue: Thanks for your comment. To answer your Q: “But for those who ARE ready: how do you suggest we help our men open up?” – what I would suggest is that you are as emotionally open, vulnerable, non-demanding-ly curious and accepting of your man’s experience, regardless of how he shows it. Also – let him know he is important and valuable to you, and provide validation when he does open up – let him know you like it and it makes you feel closer to him (if that is the case, which I imagine it is!) The less you… Read more »
All good stuff Ms. Caddell. You may have to be ready for a 60-40 communication or even a 70-30 communication flow as well. And always remember your partner isn’t perfect, just maybe perfect for you. Thank you “Good Will Hunting”. I may watch too many movies.
“Men are in a terrible double bind. We do not give men the message that it’s okay to be vulnerable, and yet at the same time, that’s what their women want so badly: vulnerability, responsiveness, and emotional openness.”
Exactly! If we choose to show our vulnerability anyway, it may happen we get the scornful look and the “You’re so needy!” message.
So, it pays to be very selective when choosing a potential partner.
That’s funny. Just 2 weeks ago an article on this very website proclaimed, that we do give men the message that we want them to show vulnerability, but on the contrary cannot handle it when they do.
I guess this world is big enough that every message as well as its complete opposite is true somewhere and for some people.
Francois and Theorema – thank you both for weighing in. I think at a deep level we all desire/need to be vulnerable with each other – men and women – and that’s how we can feel safe and close with someone. But the “messages” that we get are that men, especially, shouldn’t be. So — I think we are at a turning point — a revolution in terms of our understanding of what makes romantic relationships work, regardless of someone’s sexual orientation — and so the paradigm is shifting. Hence, websites like this one. The message is changing, slowly. And… Read more »
Congratulations, Dr. Caddell, and thanks so much for bringing this up!
Thank you, Trevelian!
Thanks for your clarification, I often feel dismissed when my partner shuts down. I’ve taken to bringing up stuff and then giving him an out like, o.k. I’m just going to plant this seed. Please take time with it and get back to me because I really want to discuss this more. He just sits like a small child, while holding my hand and says nothing. Of course we never do get back to ‘it’. He shows me in so many ways how much he cares but talking? We’re not there yet but I’m hopeful. And you’re right, women really… Read more »
Wow! A woman wrote this. I’m stunned. (Of course this will be taken as sexist.) Just revealing my true emotions here. There are a couple of things I would tweak, but I’m out of time so I will get back to you. Someone else will probably get to it before I do. Thanks for a great piece.
PursuitAce! I wrote this (yes, I’m a woman!) — I’d LOVE to hear what you’d tweak! I’m not taking what you’re writing as sexist at all. I’m glad it sounds that something I wrote may have resonated with you? Please let me know and what you’d tweak! Thanks so much, Jenev
Tweaking is probably not the best word. I would just say that I have a theory that in general emotions for men are stronger than for women. This is why we’ve devised various ways to suppress emotions for men at the earliest of ages versus learning the more difficult task of managing them. Unchecked they can result in harmful and even deadly consequences. I can tell you it’s not an easy task to sort them out. One example from media is the scene in the movie, “Six Days and Seven Nights”. Harrison Ford has just realized that they are at… Read more »
I’m glad you revealed your true emotions Pursuit. That’s the only way to get to the bottom of something. In turn, I would be lying to say that your stunned response that a woman can show men compassion around emotional vulnerability isn’t frustrating. Especially for women that try to be pretty conscientious of this kind of stuff.
I didn’t make it clear in my all too typical brief post. I’m referring to her level of understanding of the topic not her level of compassion. Compassion from a women wouldn’t be surprising. I hear and read a lot on how women understand men. I don’t see this being the case in reality. The reverse is certainly not true. Men tend to admit as much a little more readily. Erin, you have my utmost respect in your efforts to bring the genders to a better understanding.