Susan Winter thinks it’s because society values the length of a relationship over the quality of its content.
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Leaving a dead relationship takes courage. Staying in a dead relationship takes self-sacrifice.
We agonize over this decision; worrying about our future and the repercussions for those we love. Adding to our emotional struggle is the premium our culture places on sustaining a relationship. The underlying message insists that suffering is better than leaving, which makes the correct choice even harder.
If an honest attempt at partnership was made and the love shared ran its course, it did what it was meant to do.
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I marvel at how our society values the length of a relationship over the quality of its content. Longevity rarely justifies a relationship’s worth when both parties have lost the ability to enjoy being together. It seems an odd choice to remain tethered to a partnership that’s dead just to get the badge of social approval.
Intuitively, we know that relationship longevity isn’t the real measure of a partnership’s value. Yet many couples still limp toward the finish line of “till death do us part.” Reasons cited for the bleak continuance often include financial compromise, social backlash, or being of an age “too cumbersome” to change partners.
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If longevity is the criteria by which we hold a relationship in esteem, what happens when a long-standing relationship ends? Does all the value it was formerly given become negated upon its termination? Evidentially so… as uttered by countless individuals I know who proclaim, “I don’t want to throw away 20 years of a marriage.”
This statement is a double bind. The longevity that was seen as its merit now has no merit if it ends. The idea that an ending is to “throw away” what existed is a warped form of analysis. Within this mental construct, no praise is given in either case. It’s a lose/lose scenario.
There are times when a couple cannot move forward, together. They’ve changed.
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Whether a relationship lasted one year or 20, the point is to have been committed to what existed in that time and space. The value of an authentic relationship lies in having allowed love to enter our hearts and to have formed a bond with our beloved.
If an honest attempt at partnership was made and the love shared ran its course, it did what it was meant to do. The relationship fulfilled its purpose. No matter how brief or lengthy, that relationship warrants validation. Two people took a shot at love and what they created should be honored in its death as well as birth.
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There are times when a couple cannot move forward, together. They’ve changed. The growth needed for a connection cannot be met via the current partner. Choices were made that resulted in actions that cannot be reversed. There is a disconnect. No amount of will power can alter the fact that one or both partners cannot find their way back to love.
It’s hard enough to end a union. The pain and upheaval are tremendous. New pathways must be created within ourselves to replace the foundational grounding of a connection that’s been broken. To add the insult of invalidation to an emotional injury is something not to be wished upon anyone.
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If this is your current journey, here are steps to guide you through the transition of your relationship’s death to your own rebirth:
• Ignore the societal messages you’ve absorbed and remember the truth as you know it to be. You tried. You loved. The relationship fulfilled its purpose.
- Allow what you had to remain beautiful in its own right.Don’t accept the myth that an ending negates the validity of what you once had.
- See the big picture.Widen the lens of your mental camera to include the broader perspective. Capture the entire scene (the good that existed besides the bad) when remembering all that occurred.
- Honor the authenticity of what was shared.It will enable you to embrace your past in preparation for a better future.
Every living thing has a life cycle, including love. This is a natural law. You’re not faulty or defective. You haven’t failed. Relationships are born. Relationships end. To negate love’s value due to an ending is to see only a small slice of the grand design and to ignore the circle of life. To see our past love’s worth is the action that starts the cycle of new love, again.
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Originally published on Huffington Post and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I agree with this writer some, but two thought comes to mind: 1. It wasn’t written by a homemaker, because homemakers end up financially dependent and if they enter the workforce at all (if anyone will hire them after a 15 to 20 year resume gap, because many won’t, regardless of their education or talents), they are starting at the bottom with people as young as their children, including less experienced and mature young people supervising them. 2. Only people who have been married a long time truly understand the ups and downs of a long-term marriage and how the… Read more »
Hi Rover. You’re correct. I’m not a homemaker but I am a long-term partner. The ups and downs experienced over decades require both parties commitment to seeking ongoing improvement. It’s essential that our partner be “willing” to work toward a greater love and deeper connection. Love changes over the course of time. Those who are new to this idea struggle with the loss of the initial flush of passion that hasn’t been tested by challenges. The beautiful realization (for those able to find it) is indeed the sweetness of the “unfathomable intimacy” of which you speak. But this takes two… Read more »
Susan How about the religious part of these values? Many get married with a rituals that is a promise to God, the spouse and all others that this is for life. I am not so sure that it is society as such that value relationships that last long. To me it seems to be a religious thing and therefor also so powerful. I can remember when I was married and wanted out. I felt this was a SIN and I was not at all worried about what others may say, but I was raised to see it as sin to… Read more »
Thanks for your note, Silke. You’ll notice I don’t give any advice as to staying or leaving a marriage. I only state the difficulty in making that choice, and that there are times when a couple cannot move forward. The main messages are:
Why does a relationship only have merit based on its length of duration?
Why is it that the same long-standing partnership loses its merit if it ends?
This is a sociological “double-bind.” I don’t see that as being a religious construct, but rather a cultural construct. I appreciate your taking the time to comment on this article.
Me. I had the courage to leave after 20 years because of the children. I felt they had more than enough experience seeing a toxic relationship at work. I also think it depends on who yhe leaver or the leave-ee is. When i’ve gotten dumped it really lingers more than when i’m decided to go. I theregore learned how to break it off better than when i was younger. I did a piss poor job of that back then.
One incredibly obvious reason some married couples stay together: children.
Many dysfunctional marriages continue because people are convinced that it’s better for the children that way.
A lot of men who write into this site will also tell you that they postpone or avoid divorce because they’re afraid divorce means they will never see their children again. I can’t venture a guess to how true this is in every case, but it’s an incredibly powerful fear in many father’s lives. It should certainly make everyone with children think long and hard about divorce.
“…when a couple cannot move forward, together….”
Yes,…every word of this…! I was changing and charging full speed ahead in my education and career…and someone was holding me back…he was jealous and threatened…he got angrier and angrier at everything I did….it became difficult to complete simple academic tasks because he kept blocking me…it is crazy when I look back and see how much B.S. I put up with just to keep a toxic relationship going….staying him was like being slowly poisoned….
HI Leia. I’m sorry for your experience. I think the best recipe for moving on (without guilt or self-doubt) is to know that we’ve really tried everything within our power to make the relationship work. But, relationships are a two way street. If our partner’s unwilling or unable to move forward with us, there’s no other choice than for us to continue with our dreams and goals on our own. Thank you for your comment.