Most people look at me and see someone that gives her heart and soul to help others. It is true, I do give everything I have to help other people. Sometimes I think it is for selfish reasons. If I am busy helping other people in every way I possibly can, I am too busy to worry about my own sh*t. The truth is, I have the ability to empathize with people because I have been there, I am there.
My life’s work truly has nothing to do with being selfish and everything to do with wanting to help others heal their pain. When I was younger, I read a poem by Emily Dickinson which became my life’s mantra:
If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
I think it is time to remove the veil a little bit. I always seem very put together, until I’m not. I seem to be a ray of positive affirmations, until I’m not. I seem to be happy and filled with joy, until I’m not. I seem to be the epitome of self-love, until I am not.
All of those qualities are what I am until depression hits me in my chest and knocks the breath out of me. Until my brain screams unwanted horrific and intrusive thoughts of how I do not deserve to breathe one more day. Until I am back to that shivering unloved little girl that had to force the smile onto her face, pretending she wasn’t dying slowly inside. Until I feel completely and utterly alone on the planet filled with billions of people. Until nothing is left but the darkness.
This is what depression does to me. It knocks me so far back it is so very difficult to see the light. It knocks me to a place of darkness and despair. It knocks me to a place where it is difficult to imagine life without this pain and sorrow. My heart beats differently when I am in this space. Every so often it feels as if it actually stops and part of me wonders if it will. That same part wonders if anyone would notice if it stopped and if I just slipped away. Gone. Forgotten.
UNTIL
One thing gets me through these times. Hope. I know I have been here before and just as certainly, I will be here again. This isn’t my first dance with this pain nor will it be my last. I know these feelings are not facts and tomorrow may be a better day. Hope. I am carried by the fact that I have purpose to help others who know this darkness. My purpose is to help guide them back to their light. Breathing in a little deeper as I settle in with this darkness knowing that it will not remain forever. Hope.
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It’s my belief that many of us in these professions have had experiences that led us to this path of helping in whatever capacity we do that. We know what hurt, betrayal, sadness and loss are like and have learned that there is also a path out of that because we’ve done that too. I’ve been doing this a very long time and have often said we are purveyors of hope. We “lend” hope when someone else sees none until they can see it. Walking with someone through that…what better place to be?
I was diagnosed with depression and hope is exactly what got me through it. Years later I got a psychoanalysis and was diagnosed with PTSD. This article resonates on many levels with me. I have had had to rely on hope more than once and it comes in many different ways.
Thanks for taking a moment to read this article and thank you for sharing how it resonates with you. I was first diagnosed with depression and then PTSD many years later, I am right there with you. I hope that you continue on your journey with wellness. Always remember, we are not meant to do this life alone and the more we share our story and speak our truth, the more we heal. Love and light to you, Laurence!