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Is there a parent on the planet who doesn’t cringe when contemplating having “the talk” with their kiddo about ‘da birds and da bees’? Even the most sophisticated and sexually savvy person might question their ability to impart wise guidance on this essential topic, so sadly, many don’t. What kids don’t know, they make up as they go along and sometimes get lost in the swamp of sexuality.
As a child of the 60’s, sex education in school took the form of boys in one room and girls in another as a gym teacher read from a book and showed a black and white film about biology and body parts, our periods, how to prevent pregnancy and what was then referred to as VD (Venereal Disease). I can’t vouch for what the boys heard, but that was the extent of girls’ training on the topic.
Nowhere in the mix was talk about feelings, how to recognize desire and what to do about it. And no one said anything about the bonding that takes place when one becomes physically intimate. True for boys and girls. No one told us that oral sex still counts as sex. I have teen clients who claim not to be sexually intimate since they haven’t had intercourse.
Abstinence education simply didn’t work. Most of my peers experimented with sexual interactions in our teens. Even in my home, where my mom left the door open for conversation about sex, that aspect was not covered. My dad was far too embarrassed to broach the subject with my sister and me; his ears would turn red at the mere mention. I wonder if we had been boys instead of girls, he would have felt better equipped.
My husband, Michael, was still alive when our son, Adam, was young. Father and son had “the talk.” Adam was around eight at the time and had begun inquiring. Although Michael was reluctant, I reminded him that if our child was asking, he wasn’t too young and if he didn’t talk about it, I would.
Michael died when our son was 11, so I revisited the subject and told Adam that he could ask me anything he wanted to, and I would answer honestly, but that I couldn’t tell him what it was like to be a man. I chose a few trusted male friends as his guides since they shared my values about sex, relationships, and women. One became his go-to guy for nearly everything and eventually, Phil was more than a mentor; he became a man Adam considered a surrogate father.
When Adam was 14, we had what I refer to as “the three-part sex talk”.
1. Respect yourself and your partner(s)
2. Safer sex practices
3. I’m too young to be a grandmother
It became a standard conversation over the years as he began new relationships. By the time he was in a relationship with a young woman who had a then 3-year-old little boy, he acknowledged the first two, but laughingly reminded me, “Mom, you’re not too young to be a grandmother anymore.”
I feel gratified that he has been respectful of the women in his life. I recall that when he was a tween, we had the “no means no” conversation. I reminded him that it applied to him as well. If a partner wanted to touch him and he didn’t want it, he had the right to decline, since boys are not often given that permission to maintain body boundaries.
One of the workshops I teach called Love The Skin You’re In: A Body Positive Journey, has an exercise called the fishbowl where the male-identifying people sit in the center while the female-identifying people sit on the outside and then switch and witness their conversation as my co-facilitator Beth and I ask them: What did you learn about love and sex? What did you learn about your body? What did you learn about what it meant to be male or female?
Some of the responses were humorous, some sad. Some participants have been abuse survivors, some have body image issues. Very few had healthy conversations with adults about sex and have had to reclaim their sexuality. Each group expresses gratitude that they get the inside scoop from the other tribe.
When we normalize sexual expression, we take the stigma away from talking about it. What if we were free to talk to our children about it as naturally as we talk about what their favorite flavor of ice cream is? First, we need to get over our own ingrained and sometimes damaging messages ourselves.
Ideas for making the conversation easier:
• Educate yourself first. There are numerous books for tweens and a range from childhood through adolescence.
• Practice conversations in the mirror, writing down a script if necessary.
• Share information at an appropriate comprehension level for your child. Although many young people are more sophisticated than previous generations, there is still confusion. Clarify any misunderstanding. Sometimes, to save face, a teen will claim to know more than they do. Children are sometimes exposed early on to on line pornography which can be damaging to their development.
• Speak to them about the dangers of sexting, or posting anything compromising on social media.
• Get past your embarrassment or at least admit to your child that you are experiencing it. That honesty is part of the intimacy of any relationship and models what you want him or her to have.
• Speak about the idea that sex is about more than “get it on, get it up, get it in, get it off, get it out”. Nor is it about just what goes on below the belly button. It is about people relating from the heart, head and body.
• Encourage open communication between your child and potential partner(s) throughout their lives.
• Speak to them about touch by consent. With the proliferation of #metoo stories from both men and women, it is essential. If they want to touch someone, ask first and receive a verbal yes, then touch is welcome. If, instead, the response is no, or uncertainty, then it is unwelcome. A wonderful video explains it well that relates tea with consent. Remind them that no one has the right to touch another without their explicit permission, regardless of level of desire, expectation or nature of the relationship.
• Don’t make an assumption about your child’s sexual orientation. Even if it is uncomfortable and perhaps not in keeping with your expectations and/or religious orientation, be open to the idea that they have the inherent right to experience love with the partner of their choice, regardless of gender. PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is a valuable resource for education and support.
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Photo credit: Flickr