I haven’t published anything in over two months.
But after a brief exchange with my ex (and a more lengthy, emotionally-charged conversation with my kids), I felt the need to jump into my office chair and ‘tell my story’ like Medium encourages us all to do with every single draft we write.
So, here we go.
. . .
It’s no secret that I miss my kids (with deep, impenetrable anguish) when they spend the week at their dad’s. So, naturally, when my daughter messages me to come home a night early, I jump at the chance to see them sooner than later.
I empathize with how heartless it has to feel to have two households, two rooms, two everythings.
If I dig a little deeper, I can’t imagine what it would have been like for adolescent me to be away from my mom for days. But those what-if rabbit holes lead to no good. Not accepting the situation for what it is or getting stuck in the past instead of looking ahead to the future doesn’t help anyone.
Besides, it’s the polar opposite of what I’m trying to achieve here: help my kids in any way, shape, or form, I can — even if that means helping my ex to better support them.
. . .
Here are five steps to achieve smooth sailing when navigating the choppy waters of co-parenting with your swashbuckler of an ex:
Stop thinking of them as an asshole/change your perception
Do you want to know what I’ve learned after three years of going through a high-conflict divorce? Staying angry with the other person only hurts you — and hurts your kids even more.
Stop.
My heart rate redlines and my blood pressure blows a cuff when I sit in the rage room for too long, where I write things like this and seethe furiously with resentment while simultaneously crying my eyes out.
Yeah, that place.
Pro Tip: Get out of that room as soon as possible. It’s okay to be angry; feel it, feel all of it, and slowly let it go over the months and years. Holding on to anger does more damage than it did while you were married.
Empathy
I don’t know every single minuscule detail of how my ex’s childhood unfolded, but I know enough and have experienced my own trauma to know that he needs love; underneath it all, that’s all he ever wanted. And even though I am no longer best suited to give him that love (like I had planned), I can still love and empathize with him from afar — for our kids’ sake.
Pro Tip: Let it go. Seriously, let that shit go if you want your kids to be okay. Pick your battles and override that rage with empathy.
Focus on the future
I want nothing more than to move forward with my life. And believe you me, I’m trying. I want to shred my court documents and attorney invoices and be done with it.
The thing is, things that happened in the past didn’t work out for a reason. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s not all his fault.
There, I said it. I typed it. And I mean it.
In the past, I wrote pieces like this and that. But the other side to that story (and there’s always another side) is that I also played a part in the relationship.
Pro Tip: Maybe you and your ex aren’t bff’s, and may never be, but aim for healthier communication going forward. Be respectful and stick to the facts.
This brings me to my last and final step.
Constantly remind yourself that you can’t control anything but yourself
There is SO much you can’t control when you get divorced; wondering if your heart is still beating while your body is elsewhere is beyond any agony you’ve ever felt.
Pro Tip: If there is anything you take away from my co-parent ramblings, let it be this: Radical acceptance is your friend. It will always steer you in the right direction.
Be calm, cool, collected, and consistent
My ability to follow directions or stick to a workout/clean-eating regimen for longer than two weeks is positively ghastly. But am I the most wholehearted parent you’ll ever meet?
You bet your a**(hole) I am.
I do my best to be even-tempered while communicating with my ex as I am loving and even-keeled with my kids.
But sometimes, I’ll admit, I need some help from my (YouTube) friends.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is hands down my favorite clinical psychologist. She focuses on mental health education and learning how to protect yourself from unhealthy personalities. I’ve learned a lot from her videos while divorcing my ex. While I realize bringing up disordered personalities may sound like I’m throwing my ex under the bus, I’d like to return to my original point and remind everyone (mostly myself) that we must tell our story like our lives (and our kids’ lives) depend on it.
Pro Tip: Don’t go D.E.E.P. with your ex — you will be smeared in sludge every time.
D: don’t defend
E: don’t explain
E: don’t engage
P: don’t personalize
. . .
To sum up my article on co-parenting with an a**hole in five sentences:
- Work to change your perception of them (it will help everyone involved).
- Lead with empathy (and healthy boundaries).
- Focus on the family’s future (not how things were in the past).
- Remember trying to control anything or anyone but yourself is always a losing battle.
- Be the healthy, consistent, stable parent (and co-parent) your kids need.
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This post was previously published on Divina Grey’s blog.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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