This piece is part 1of the series “Poor Self-Image & Intimate Relationships”
The way we interpret ourselves in our minds mirrors the way we observe, think, and act in the environment we live in and the situations we deal with. This is the definition of self-image.
The ability to cultivate a healthy and positive self-image is essential for every type of relationship we will form with others, as well as for the wellness of our being.
Having a poor self-image can lead to several problematic occasions in our lives, like developing unfavorable habits and entering toxic relationships with others that can’t escape from easily.
The first part of this dark psychology-themed series will cover the excessive dependence on a romantic partner while excusing their flaws; otherwise known as codependency.
As a person that also struggled a lot with codependency issues, I will provide you with an insightful list of its major drivers with examples, as well as ways to identify this pattern and end it once and for all.
The Major Causes of Codependency
The perfect image I could find to describe accurately this psychological pattern many people get into is the above image: a downward spiral towards unseen darkness.
This may sound a little bit poetic and overly dramatic at first, but the toll this negative trait has on people can be this real. Many of us struggle with this issue and can’t seem to be able to counter its effects on our lives.
That’s because, as we will see, the reasoning behind this characteristic needs to be dug deep to be found in our minds and, therefore, makes it hard to be dealt with effectively.
1. Lack of self-respect
Beginning with an obvious facilitator of codependency is that of having low self-esteem that leads to a lack of self-respect.
Self-esteem is how much you evaluate and respect yourself in your mind and it drives a lot of your general way of thinking and reacting towards other people given certain situations you are involved in.
To put it in simple terms, high self-esteem makes you regard yourself highly which leads to elevated respect towards yourself. Low self-esteem means that you find your thoughts, actions, and opinions unimportant for your well-being, leading to lower respect towards them.
Without self-respect, you won’t be able to lead your life since you won’t have a clear image of what you strive to accomplish, which will unavoidably make you depend on other people’s decisions and actions for your life.
For example, I have found myself numerous times in the past not being able to voice my own opinions or thoughts about certain things.
This happened because I was terrified of the potential consequences it could hold and by not being respectful enough towards my thoughts, I always took a step back and agreed to something I didn’t want to or wasn’t in line with my own beliefs.
2. Need for approval
As you will surely notice, codependency’s root causes correlate with each other and lead to one another in sequential order.
As I’ve said before, in case you don’t regard yourself highly in your mind you will be mainly following others and their line of thinking. This of course will lead to the creation of a need for approval.
That’s because you will need them to take action in your life, thus prompting you to be on good terms with them. Also, keep in mind that this need increases exponentially with the importance the other person has in your mind.
How is codependency connected exactly with that? Because a need for approval absorbs your inner strength as an individual as it makes you a “slave” to other people’s opinions and thoughts; especially to those you care about.
This state you enter in such occasion “forces” you to satisfy their every need to get their approval in your mind and consequently fulfill your need for approval.
A classic scenario that happens here is that you never go against them even if it bugs you deep inside to not lose their approval. To put this into perspective, I will provide an example.
I was in a back-and-forth situation with my previous girlfriend for several years. I couldn’t resolve to cut things with her because of my lack of respect for my abilities that lead to the formation of a need for approval from her.
The fact that I couldn’t find the courage to decide whether to end this situation or not, made me dependent on her decisions which weren’t clear at the time. Plus, I couldn’t possibly go against her since her approval meant so much to me. Hence, this seemingly never-ending loop forms.
Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.
– Lao Tzu
3. Fear of rejection
The last shackle that binds you to others in an overly dependent way is the fear that gets developed after your need for approval is formed; the fear of rejection.
How it leads up to that is simple; if your need for approval surpasses a certain threshold, it becomes so strong that every time you think that you might “lose” some of it you become fearful of the consequences this might hold.
Think of this need like a treasure vault; every time you believe you are approved by someone you win one bar of gold. So long as you keep filling this vault with gold, you will get more and more fearful of its potential loss.
Of course, fear of rejection can be triggered by a different standalone element; fear of loneliness.
We, humans, are social beings; others are more, others are less. Many of us though, especially people with low self-esteem, think of loneliness as a state that we enter because of our worthlessness.
Hence, anyone that can’t see the power in themselves usually fears being abandoned and ending up alone in life, further increasing their fear of rejection that will act as a defense mechanism to avoid this.
Ways to Deal With Codependency
Through my research and personal experience on the subject, I’ve settled on these 4 ways to counter the problematic nature of codependency effectively.
The first is a general solution that can assist in lessening the aforementioned causes. The second and third are vital for solving low self-esteem issues, and the fourth will put you in a different perspective for the whole matter.
1. Understand the root of the issue
What is always the most crucial step for recovering from a psychological issue, and nearly everything in life is to comprehend its key driver.
With this, I mean to recognize the existence of the pattern and what is the root cause for its appearance. This is best accomplished by reading and understanding psychology by yourself, or with the help of a psychotherapist to help you find the right questions to ask.
Now, in most psychological issues, and especially on self-image ones, their core lies in the way we grow up; how our parents treated us, our past experiences, etc.
For instance, if you couldn’t freely express your thoughts at home you might be more susceptible to low self-esteem issues since you won’t have developed appropriately the ways to communicate your wants and needs.
Moreover, past intimate relationships affect codependency usually if they were emotionally abusive. If you couldn’t express your thoughts or couldn’t “escape” easily from your past relationships, most likely you will suffer from codependency issues due to all the 3 aforementioned causes.
These are just typical examples and by no means are they always true nor are the only ways our family and past experiences affect us in our self-image. I am just putting the whole concept into perspective to seem more apparent.
2. Find your false beliefs
You have to define your belief system towards intimate relationships specifically. What are your values, what are the ones that you seek on your partner, what are your beliefs about love and how should it be expressed?
Moreover, it’s imperative to connect these answers with how you tend to act under those; meaning how you try to stay true to your beliefs.
Through this little exercise, you might find false beliefs that can only impair your growth or your potential relationship. Consequently, you can change or discard them completely.
For example, I was usually blaming myself when my past romantic partner became angry with me for something. I always tried to find my fault so that I can correct it, without thinking about the reasoning behind her emotion.
This as you might understand can diminish your growth since you will fall into the “need of approval” trap. You will need the other person’s verdict to define your actions as supposedly right or wrong. Immediate discard.
Sooner or later, a false belief bumps up against solid reality, usually on a battlefield.
– George Orwell
3. Develop strong boundaries
This is the most distinct and concise solution to the issue. It boils down to 2 steps.
Firstly, define clearly what your limits as a person are on certain important issues on intimate relationships. How do you want to react when someone is always negative towards you, what if they start flirting with others, what do you do if you start losing interest, etc.
After that, set the consequences for these limits and their possible exceptions, and start confronting everyone head-on when they trespass your explicitly set boundaries.
Keep in mind that the problem with codependency is that usually, one person depends so much on their partner that they become fearful in expressing their discontent towards something due to the aforementioned fear of rejection.
Having a well-defined set of boundaries that stay true to your character, your wants, and needs in a relationship can lift your confidence and help you escape this loop or not enter it in the first place.
4. Understand the consequences for your partner
Let’s scrap ourselves from the equation for this one. An extremely helpful piece of advice is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. And that goes for everything in life.
What I mean by that is to understand how codependency harms the other party besides yourself.
Firstly, the fact that you can’t make any decisions by yourself because of your dependence on them, will put much more “luggage” on their side making their life twice as hard in the process. That’s the more straightforward effect.
Another harmful ramification though, if you think of it from a selfless perspective, is that the other person might think that they can get away with their flaws or even not see them at all.
If no one close to them points out what are their negative characteristics, any mistakes they might make along the way, or things that drive you mad, they might not be able to see them by themselves.
Moreover, because of this attitude, they will take you for granted since whatever they might say, do, or think, will not have any visible consequences to their relationship with you.
Understanding that you are not the only one being harmed by codependency can help you take a good step towards implementing the aforementioned solutions and even stop you from overly excusing the other person’s flaws.
Conclusion
This piece shall serve as a very detailed guide for countering the problematic nature of codependency and as a good start for beginning this series and understanding how self-image is important for intimate relationships.
On a final note, to the people that made it throughout the piece, I most certainly know that your intentions are genuine and pure. Remember though that codependency is an issue that harms both you and the other person.
Never let yourself get consumed by fear of voicing your distress.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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