When you hear the word “toxic”, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Chemicals? Plastic? Snake venom? Maybe bacteria?
For me, it’s relationships.
The reasons these two words are associated in my mind is because I’ve had my share fair of toxic relationships throughout my life and so have many of my closest friends.
That, of course, is not to say that all relationships are toxic. Far from it. It’s just that chances are all of us will realize, at one point or another in our lives, that we have formed a relationship with a toxic person — whether it is with our partner, a family member, or a close friend.
The reasons people form and remain in toxic relationships are many. The real question is, how do we get out of them?
Below are some steps you can take that will help to finally let go of your toxic relationship for good.
Step Out of Denial
Acceptance is always the first step towards change. Of course, when it comes to relationships this is a challenging step, as it requires a lot of honesty and courage.
Personally, I identified my first toxic relationship pretty early in life: it was the one I had with my father. You can understand how difficult it can be for a child, no matter what their age, to realize that their own father is a toxic person — someone that drains them, both physically and emotionally.
Ironically, the moment I braced myself with courage, stepped out of denial, and accepted the truth, I started feeling much better about myself. Why? Because I saw that I wasn’t the one who was doing something wrong after all; it was all him.
And that brings me to the reason most people are afraid to admit that they are in a toxic relationship: self-pity. They’re thinking something along the lines of, “I can’t possibly be so stupid to let myself get close to a toxic person” and prefer to lie to themselves about the nature of their relationship.
And yet, forming a relationship with a toxic person has nothing to do with stupidity. You might be the smartest person in the room and still fall for and remain with a toxic partner. There’s nothing, nothing to be ashamed of.
Seek Help From Someone You Trust
Once you realize/accept you’re in a toxic relationship and make the decision you want to leave, you need to make sure someone else knows about your situation.
Maybe you can talk to one of your parents, or someone from your close friends. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing your situation with anyone, you may seek a professional’s help.
What matters is that a person you can trust knows about your situation — especially if your partner is abusive — so that they can prevent you from going back to them, or keep you safe in case your partner turns violent after you announce your breakup to them.
As Kristen Fuller explains in her article on Psychology Today,
“People in toxic relationships need help from friends, family, and professionals to commit to change. There is no AA or NA for this. Changing is a process and not simply a decision. People often return to a toxic relationship, sometimes because it is familiar and therefore comfortable. They know no other persona except their shattered self. This is why fences and walls often surround women’s shelters. They are there to enable residents to feel safe and start to heal.”
Give Yourself Time to Heal
Once you’ve finally let go of your toxic relationship, you need to give yourself time to heal.
For example, don’t rush into getting a new relationship.
Chances are, you’ll still feel hurt and confused from what you’ve been through in your previous relationship, and you won’t be in a position to invest in your new relationship, allow it to flourish, or even trust your new partner.
Also, you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself for feeling hurt, depressed, or thinking about your ex. Remind yourself that it takes time to heal — and you should allow yourself to take all the time you need.
Fill Your Free Time With Things That Make You Happy
Sudden changes in your life can open up periods of free time that you previously didn’t have.
When these new periods of free time appear, it’s up to you whether you’ll take advantage of them, by doing things that you love, or spend them reminiscing about your past — and thinking about returning to your toxic ex.
In other words, after your breakup, it’s certain that you’ll have plenty of free time on your hands. Make sure you fill all this time with things that make you happy and that you couldn’t do when you were in a relationship.
For example, you could spend time with all the friends you haven’t seen in a while. You could visit your family. You could watch all those movies you always wanted to watch but your partner didn’t like.
The greatest thing about being single is that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. It’s finally time to do all the things you love and fill you with joy.
Final Thoughts
Getting out of a toxic relationship is hard, tricky, and complicated. It requires a lot of strength, honesty, and courage. It can be a real challenge like no other, that requires endless amounts of mental strength.
But, at the end of the day, it’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else. Because that’s what being in a toxic relationship makes you feel like: sick.
In the words of author John Mark Green:
“Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.”
People who remain in unhealthy relationships often feel like there is no way out. However, the truth is, there’s always a way out. Staying in a toxic relationship shouldn’t make you feel worthless, weak, or stupid.
Sometimes, we just fall in love with the wrong people. But, it’s in our hands to let go of what is already gone.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Dmitry Ratushny on Unsplash