Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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the absence of character will produce
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hell
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in a relationship even if it’s the
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greatest chemistry
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of your life
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[Music]
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hi matthew and the gang i recently
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listened to your podcast from april this
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year titled how to get over the one who
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got away and it made me realize i could
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use your help
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two years ago i met someone he came into
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my life out of nowhere and it was easy
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it wasn’t obsessive it wasn’t addictive
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it was just easy and good
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our connection and chemistry was
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everything i ever wanted
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a few weeks later he ghosted me
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we eventually had a conversation
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he wasn’t ready for a relationship
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we stayed friends
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a few months later we tried again after
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being friends for six months
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it obviously didn’t work again
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i didn’t trust him enough and it was
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hard
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we stayed in touch and continued to see
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each other
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often taking things very very slow
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and suddenly i discovered
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he had a girlfriend
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it’s been a year now i have traveled a
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lot and went on a solo trip to bali
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i have dated but nothing compares
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he once told me he saw himself marrying
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me but he wasn’t ready for anything like
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that he wasn’t ready to be the man i
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needed
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we see each other around but we never
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speak and it feels as if the connection
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and chemistry is still there and others
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point it out
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how do i get over him
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how do i make myself see that he is not
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the person for me
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please help i don’t want to waste
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another year
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i think this is such a relatable
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email
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tell us why
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you know it wasn’t the great love story
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of you know a five-year-long
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relationship where you got a dog
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together and had a house i just mean
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that it was
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a lot of the time that’s very
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short-lived and a lot of the time
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you don’t know why it just felt so good
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and so right that it just ends up
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getting being the thing that sticks
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under your skin i also think when
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someone says it was easy you know
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there’s that feeling of i never normally
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click like this with somebody it just
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felt so
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natural was another word people use felt
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really natural it just was
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it just felt right when we were together
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you know this is the kind of thing
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people describe a kind of fluidity
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an organic nature to how it feels to be
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with this person it doesn’t feel forced
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it doesn’t feel
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strange it doesn’t feel awkward it feels
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so natural when we have that special
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chemistry it’s really easy to build a
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story
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and
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it becomes it becomes extremely hard to
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let that go even like people have that
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years after where they go
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but with them the way it felt
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when we were together when we
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were intimate when we went on trips like
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the way it felt with them it was just so
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much more than anyone since it becomes a
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memory played over and over and over
3:23
again what’s up guys i just wanted to
3:25
let you know as a brief interlude that
3:27
until august the 7th there is a summer
3:30
self-care special ticket available for
3:32
the virtual retreat this is three days
3:35
of immersive coaching with me in
3:37
november if you like me as a mentor and
3:40
you want to be coached by me the summer
3:42
self-care ticket is the best option for
3:45
you because this is as cheap as it’s
3:47
going to get between now and the retreat
3:48
and it’s only available until august 7th
3:51
there are also three great bonuses
3:52
you’ll find out more on the page
3:55
mhvirtualretreat.com
4:01
it becomes a bit of a time warp you you
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get
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you get lodged in a certain
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moment in your life in a certain
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moment in time
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and you know by definition it can never
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be that again
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like it was
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it was
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that thing that moment
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in time
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and we should qualify it obviously to
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begin with by saying that
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connection or no connection chemistry or
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no chemistry
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if someone
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didn’t commit to us
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then
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they couldn’t
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make good on the promise of being
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everything we ever wanted
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it wasn’t the connection and chemistry
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she says is everything she ever wanted
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but then goes on to say a few weeks
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later he ghosted me
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which by the way isn’t everything you
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ever wanted
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nor is
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this person not committing nor is this
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person finding a girlfriend i don’t know
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if it how long that was going on for in
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the time you were speaking but
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none of these things are things that
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are everything you ever wanted
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is
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you
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going away to bali and doing all of
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these things and giving it space and
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giving it time and
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him not coming back to you and saying
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i’ve just made a giant mistake which
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he’s not doing
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that’s not everything you ever wanted
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either so i think the starting point is
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realizing that this actually is a far
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far cry
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from everything you ever wanted it
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stopped well short of that
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now that doesn’t stop that
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what’s the spanish is it no portuguese
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words saldarde
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steve knows it
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we did we talked about that word in
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another podcast zelda yeah can you
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explain saudare to us steve
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you brought it up matt i think it’s some
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kind of feeling of wistful nostalgia
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isn’t it
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yeah if it’s described as a feeling of
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longing melancholy or nostalgia
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that is supposedly characteristic of the
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portuguese or brazilian
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temperament
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but
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it’s a word that to my knowledge doesn’t
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exist in quite the same way
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in other languages
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but
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it’s a very
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it’s a very descriptive word in that so
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it captures something and i don’t think
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that
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i don’t think that the
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what i’m saying is somewhat logical
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right that
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you they didn’t commit to you they
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didn’t give you what you wanted so they
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by definition aren’t everything you ever
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wanted
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but the logic of that doesn’t eliminate
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the saudade
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that we may feel
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that wistful melancholy of
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what once was that didn’t
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turn into something more and then that
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can linger
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but
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the danger of course is thinking that
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that is an indication
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of how
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important something is
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instead of just seeing it as one of many
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many experiences
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in our lives
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that may bring up that kind of a feeling
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you may
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have that feeling
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about
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a time in your life where you were more
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physically able
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than you are now
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you know i you may have a moment of
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melancholy for a time where you were
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healthier than you are now or when
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you
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had a certain fun moment in your life
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with friends and life doesn’t
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feel quite as carefree anymore or you
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don’t get to see those friends in that
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way anymore we’re we’re capable of that
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kind of melancholy
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about many things in our life so i think
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that part of
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part of it is putting it on a level
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with lots of other things
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in your life that you may have a sense
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of melancholy
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for
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uh that isn’t really a wish
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for your life to go back there but more
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just
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uh a moment a moment of
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nostalgia for something
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rather than this nostalgia that i’m
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feeling
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means that i’ve really lost something
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important that to me is the non-sequitur
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the idea that this relationship must be
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important because i still have
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feelings for it and if you lose the
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sense that the relationship is important
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which it wasn’t because he didn’t commit
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so it was only important for the
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experience it gave you at the time it
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was not important in the context of your
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life as a
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your future certainly wasn’t that um
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it wasn’t that because it didn’t become
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that so it was only
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important in what it gave you in the
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present it was not important to your
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future once you lose that
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so much of the sting
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of that melancholy
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is removed it just
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you’re allowed to just feel it as a
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sense of melancholy
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instead of
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a tremendous sense of loss for a future
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that that was supposed to happen but
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didn’t i love that yeah and i think it’s
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even okay to have those old memories
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that are beautiful and painful at the
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same time it’s it’s not allowing them to
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become this this thing that like
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smothers everything else now that’s the
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danger and also matt the interesting
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thing about this is
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that i find so fascinating is the thing
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that she talked about about him
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loads of things sounded really wrong
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from the get-go there in terms of his
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behavior his
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ghosting not really being involved in it
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not saying he wanted marriage
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all these things she wanted
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why is it
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that we somehow
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put chemistry on such a huge emotional
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pedestal
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but behavior
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we just sweep under the rug
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what do you think that is about
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i think that our tendency is to
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overvalue chemistry
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and undervalue character
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in a relationship
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chemistry is
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i believe necessary
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for a romantic relationship
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but
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character
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is going to be the foundation of
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a long-term relationship
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what is someone’s
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code of
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ethics
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their code for living
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what do they
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what rules do they live by
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in their lives
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and it’s very easy to
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to overrate chemistry because chemistry
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produces
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spikes of emotion it produces you know
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it has a drug
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inducing effect
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on us
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and so it feels
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it’s the it’s the um
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you know it’s like the orgasm of
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courtship is chemistry
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but
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that you can’t live in that
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state and expect that that’s
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going to nourish you because it won’t
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nourish you any more than heroin
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nourishes
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a drug addict
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it’s
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a heightened
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state
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we
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the reason i say we overvalue it is
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because
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we look back on situations and we go
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that situation with that person produced
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this unbelievably intense feeling and
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that must mean it’s important but
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if you applied that to heroin
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it would be a disaster if you said uh
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you know
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ecstasy
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or heroin produced such
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an exquisite feeling when i did it it
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must mean that this is a really
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important thing in my life
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that i should do every day
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we would look at that and say that’s
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obviously a terrible conclusion to come
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to and yet in relationships we give them
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a special
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pass
12:54
we we say no that makes sense
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that if it felt that if the high was
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that high it makes sense
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that this should be a constant in your
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life and it is it is a non-sequitur it
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chemistry may be important for a
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relationship i wouldn’t advise a
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relationship that has an absence of a
13:15
total absence of chemistry how much
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chemistry we need whether it needs to be
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the greatest chemistry we’ve ever had or
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not is a different question but the
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absence of chemistry is obviously a bad
13:25
thing for a relationship
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but
13:30
the absence of character will produce
13:32
hell in a relationship even if it’s the
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greatest chemistry
13:37
of your life and what you’ve picked up
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on there steve is
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that there is an enormous
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overvaluing of chemistry
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in this email
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but a massive glossing over of the
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importance of character i mean none of
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the things that reveal weakness in
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character
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whether it’s his indecisiveness whether
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it’s his inability to stop seeing her
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even though he’s aware that he’s not
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giving her what she wants it takes a
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certain kind of selfishness once you
14:08
realize you’re not giving someone what
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they’ve clearly said they want
14:12
you still keep leading them on that’s
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selfish that’s a weakness in character
14:17
they’re having a girlfriend part they’re
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still seeing her and staying in touch
14:21
and doing that once she’s tried to go
14:23
away and move on and not doing the right
14:25
thing which is to break contact all of
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these things suggest weaknesses of
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character but she’s not listed any of
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them as though they were weaknesses in
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character she’s added no detail no
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emotion to those things but massive
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emotion to all of the things that are
14:39
right and what you begin to see in that
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the way she’s written
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the email is indicative of the way she’s
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writing the story in her brain
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and if you write a story like that with
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that level of spin
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then it’s going to produce a certain
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conclusion
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and the conclusion is that this person
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was something very very special
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and that i’m going to always struggle to
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get over them because of how special
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they were
15:07
one of the
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great ways to burst that bubble is to
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just get real about the ways that
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they’re not perfect
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i mean he has been put on a pedestal
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above
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way too many other people
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and
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understanding how imperfect someone is
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is it’s not a way to denigrate them it’s
15:28
a way to level the playing field between
15:30
them and everybody else here’s what i
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want you to do louise as a just a small
15:35
exercise firstly
15:39
actually recall
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what wasn’t good about this person
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and connect to it the same way you
15:47
connect to the good
15:50
in what ways
15:52
has this situation made you miserable
15:56
in what ways has this person acted
15:58
selfishly
16:00
in
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either not letting you go
16:03
or reaching out even though they know
16:05
that you’re hurting
16:07
or
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not being
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caring or thoughtful
16:12
the ghosting
16:14
in what ways did this person actually
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make you sad mad
16:21
or miserable
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and i want you to notice in other people
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that you meet
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qualities they have that he didn’t
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i’m not saying i don’t what i don’t want
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you to do is the moment you meet
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somebody else or go on a date or
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whatever and you don’t feel chemistry
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i don’t want you to be comparing the
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chemistry
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but what i do want you to do is notice
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when someone shows a character trait
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that
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makes you go
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oh wow
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there’s a there’s a
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an empathy or a kindness or a generosity
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or a conscientiousness
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or a selflessness about this person that
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he didn’t have
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and i want you to really
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tune into that
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that doesn’t mean that the person in
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front of you is the right person and you
17:17
should go for them even though you don’t
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feel chemistry
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what it means is you’re starting to
17:24
to see that there are other people in
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the world that actually
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have extremely important qualities in
17:31
qualities that
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forget the two years that you’ve known
17:34
this guy over 10 years
17:37
20 years 30 years are going to be the
17:40
cornerstone
17:42
of the relationship
17:44
they’re going to be the thing that makes
17:45
it last
17:48
and then say to yourself
17:50
what i need
17:52
is someone
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with
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these wonderful qualities
17:58
and someone with whom i feel chemistry
18:02
someone with whom i feel that connection
18:06
the person you may be on a date with
18:07
that you don’t feel chemistry with who
18:09
has these wonderful qualities
18:11
isn’t right for you
18:13
but nor is he right for you by having
18:15
the chemistry but not those qualities
18:19
your person
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is still out there but any time
18:24
you meet someone who has the stuff he
18:27
lacked
18:28
remind yourself oh he lacked really
18:31
important things
18:33
the person i’m supposed to be with is
18:36
gonna have those things
18:38
before you go until august the 7th
18:42
we have the summer self-care ticket
18:44
available
18:45
for the virtual retreat this coming
18:47
november go over to mhvirtualretreat.com
18:51
and grab that special ticket while
18:53
they’re still available only until
18:55
august the 7th
18:59
[Music]
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