Marriages don’t die overnight. Neither does love. It’s rarely one thing that leads a couple to divorce. Instead, it’s a slow, steady drip, drip, drip of harmful, if unintentional, behaviors. And, for most couples, it’s completely avoidable.
Take my clients Jeff and Susan. When they showed up in my office, the level of hurt, resentment, and tension was intense. They were locked in a predictable pattern of attack, defensiveness, counterattack, and withdrawal. Every statement, no matter how bland, was taken as a personal affront and an invitation to battle.
It was like being locked in a cage with two tigers circling each other. Both looking for a moment of weakness in the other so they could launch an attack. The claws were out, and the teeth were bared. Their tone was pretty much akin to hisses and growls. It was neither loving nor productive.
I was able to identify an ongoing complaint of Susan’s—Jeff’s “refusal” to clean the kitchen at night. She stated that he was lazy, selfish, and left the kitchen a mess purposely to upset her. She let her feelings be known every morning when she came downstairs.
Jeff responded that the kitchen wasn’t as bad as Susan made it out to be. He ran the dishwasher but left some of the pans in the sink to soak. He wasn’t even given the chance to deal with them in the morning before he was taken to task for his ineptitude.
There was more but you probably get the picture. Maybe you can even relate.
This pattern of relating went back and forth about other issues as well. Sometimes Susan was the accuser and sometimes it was Jeff. Each interaction left them both feeling beaten up and unhappy. The love they once had for each other seemed a distant memory and their marriage was hanging by a thread.
I said to Jeff, “How would you respond if Susan said the following. It really upsets me when I come downstairs and find dishes left in the sink and crumbs or spills on the counter and stove top. I know this comes from my mom’s expectations when I was a kid, but it gets my day off to a bad start.”
He told me that he wouldn’t feel attacked or demeaned. He wouldn’t get angry and feel the need to point out one of Susan’s failings as a means of protecting himself. I could see Susan relax and become more receptive. It was their start down the path of reconciliation and rekindled love.
What I had done was turn Susan’s harsh opening into a softer, more inviting one. One that Jeff could actually hear and process.
Marriage researcher John Gottman found that when couples have a habit of harsh openings, there is an increased chance of an ever-intensifying cycle of conflict. Over the course of time, he saw this pattern as a predictor of divorce within six years with about 90% accuracy.
It is a simple change. It is a massively effective one. Yet, it is not an easy one. But isn’t your marriage worth it?
It requires you to slow down; to become aware of your feelings and your phrasing. To be intentional about what you want to accomplish with your words.
It often means the choice of your marriage dying a death of a thousand cuts or it being the loving, supportive relationship you want it to be. It’s really up to you.
If you want to do something different, have a better marriage, let’s talk. Changing one thing can make all the difference.
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This post was previously published on foundationscoachingnc.com and is republished on Medium.
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