My wife and I went to dinner with some friends. It wasn’t long before somebody asked the question, how did you guys meet? Our story is a bit different; it wasn’t romantic. For me at least, it was very transactional, I knew she was the one, all I had to do is fall in love with her and have her fall in love with me.
I had found what was really important to me; the things, the values that I was not going to compromise for anybody.
|
As important as it is to find the right people in our lives, we don’t always find them the first time around. Back when I was still married to my first wife there were a lot of things we didn’t see eye-to-eye, in fact of what I consider my core values, she and I shared none. We were never right for each other, even from the very beginning. I’d known it—we both had—but we’d married anyway. Looking back and talking about our future together one day she emphatically said, “I don’t want to have children”. I remember thinking, “oh she will change her mind, they always do”. I don’t know what made me think that I could change her mind regarding having children. Having a family was for me one of the most important things in y life. Seven years into the marriage, she still didn’t want to have children, at least not with me.
I survived a brain tumor; my marriage and career did not. I went to work overseas for a few years. During that time, I did a lot of thinking about my first marriage. I started to wonder what could we have been done differently. For starters, we could have admitted to each other that we had vastly different core values. The problem was that neither of us knew what our core values were back then.
While working in the Middle East, I took a vacation to Thailand. There I embarked myself on a quest, a quest to find myself. At the end of my trip, I had found myself; I had found what was really important to me; the things, the values that I was not going to compromise for anybody.
When I returned to the States in 2007, I didn’t fully understand what I’d accomplished in Thailand. I was still hurting from the breakup, still blaming myself. I would run and think, think and run, every weekend. Running became my meditation, and looking back I remember thinking that I wanted to have a family, that I wanted to find somebody else to share my life with. It was going to be easier said than done, but I didn’t know that at that very moment. I just knew I wanted to rebuild my life again.
My core values would serve as qualifications—job requirements, if you will—that would allow me to screen suitable “candidates.”
|
Running down the list in my mind, I realized that I didn’t share any of my core values with my ex-wife. I’d always blamed the brain tumor, or maybe I’d changed like she said. I felt responsible for the breakup and I started to wonder if maybe those weren’t the real reasons at all. Was it possible that she and I had failed because we didn’t share any core values?
Now that I knew my core values, I vowed never again to compromise them. I didn’t know it yet, but I was slowing putting together a “job description” for the next woman I would marry.
It wasn’t until a few years later when I was finally ready to meet someone again, that the idea came to me. I had moved to California by then, and I had a friend who had compiled a list of 50 qualities he wanted in a partner. It was a pretty unrealistic list. Not only was the number of required qualities excessive, but also the qualities themselves were mostly superficial.
Even though I didn’t put much stock in my friend’s list (he’s still trying to find the “perfect” mate), the concept gave me an idea. What if I put together my own list? Better yet, what if I used the one I already had? I already knew the five core values that mattered to me most. Couldn’t I use them to find my future wife?
I still hold true to my five core values, although they have shifted in priority over the years.
|
Being the executive coach that I am, I approached the challenge from a business standpoint. My core values would serve as qualifications—job requirements, if you will—that would allow me to screen suitable “candidates.” The method made sense to me. I’d seen too many people in relationships with people that were completely wrong for them, and I had been no exception. I didn’t want to make any mistakes this time. I wanted to find the perfect fit.
Unfortunately, I couldn’t extend my business methods to dating, per se. I couldn’t ask for a resume or detailed cover page before calling them in for an interview. Instead, I did the next best thing; I decided to sign up for an Internet dating service. With online dating sites, I could read the “application” and quickly make a decision about the qualifications of the person. A select group was called for an “in person” interview, and soon I realize that finding the right candidate was going to be harder than I thought.
All I can say about that time in my life is that it was a learning experience. I spent a couple of years dating different people, never finding a single one who shared all five-core values. On first dates, I always tried to gear the conversation toward learning what their core values were, and I found out soon enough that it was going to be a lot harder than I imagined.
After a lot of first dates, I started to worry that I would never find the right one.
A friend of mine once said something I’ve never forgotten: “Husbands and wives are like parking spots: the good ones are taken, and the ones leftover are all handicapped.” You are looking around and around, and, then, alas you find one, the perfect parking spot.
Of course, I’m not talking about a parking spot, but the woman who would eventually become my wife. She and I had been part of the same running group for quite a while. She was a friend, but the more I got to know her, the clearer it became. The noise that had clouded my vision at the beginning began to lift, and I was able to see her for who she was: the only woman I’d ever met who shared all five of my core values, the “the perfect parking spot”.
I asked her out and, upon several interviews, soon I realize that we shared the same wants, the same dreams, and the same values. I soon realized that this was the woman I was going to fall in love with, because it made sense because she was a perfect fit.
We have been married now for five years, and we welcomed our first daughter, Alexis, in 2014. I still hold true to my five core values, although they have shifted in priority over the years. Health and fitness were once my top priority, while now it takes a backseat (although a persistent one) to family.
I can say with honesty that if I hadn’t been through the experience of a failed marriage and the long road it took to find myself afterwards—to identify my core values—I don’t think I’d be where I am today. Life has many lessons to teach us, and one very important lesson is that we must not compromise our values in the pursuit of love and happiness or else, we won’t find them.
Photo: Getty Images