I remember telling an acquaintance about how I ironed my husband’s handkerchiefs. She immediately got this look of disgust.
“How can you do that?” she asked.
“It’s simple,” I said. “You turn on the iron…”
“No,” she said, “that’s not what I meant.”
You see, she thought, because I ironed his handkerchiefs, that I was somehow a slave to the patriarchy. Meanwhile, her own marriage was a study in bowing to the man, but I never brought up how people in glass houses should not throw stones.
If my friend had known that my mother used to iron my Dad’s handkerchiefs, she would have really had a conniption, since apparently I was perpetuating the cycle of abuse. Except, of course, that wasn’t the case at all.
You see, I don’t have any problem with women doing nice things for men as long as it’s reciprocal.
There is nothing wrong with making your man feel good about himself, with giving him support, and, yes, doing little chores for him that make his life better. This makes him feel loved, and if you actually do love him, how is that a bad thing?
What my friend didn’t know, but which I explained to her — my husband cleaned the litter box. He took out the trash and he cleaned our bathroom. He did these chores because he knew I have a sensitive nose and so these chores were things I hated to do. His nose is not nearly as sensitive, so he really didn’t mind doing these things.
Of course I was happy to iron his handkerchiefs! It was a chore he hated, and I didn’t mind doing it.
None of that has anything to do with oppression or the patriarchy.
After all, during our marriage, I managed our portfolio, which unfortunately went to zero when I was diagnosed with cancer. You see, even if you have decent insurance, something like cancer can put you in the modern equivalent of the poor house.
However, I did manage it while we had it, and I was the one who filed our taxes. I was better at these “masculine” tasks than he was. He took care of most of our grocery shopping, which many consider a “feminine” task, but he was way more efficient than I was.
But it wasn’t the division of labor that was important — it was our willingness to look after the other person’s needs.
There are many ways you can show your spouse that you love him. Things I did, besides taking care of his linen:
- I made sure to call his parents on a regular basis. This wasn’t really a chore for me since, frankly, I think his father, at least, preferred to talk to me. Once my own father died, this was very meaningful to me since it helped heal my heart.
- When he was having a particularly rough week at work, I’d volunteer to do some of his chores, though not the dreaded bathroom/litter box/garbage detail. But I’d pick up his dry cleaning, get groceries or mop the kitchen floor if he needed to focus at his job.
- I tried to be emotionally supportive of him and pay attention to his needs. This included occasionally stroking his ego when he needed to feel good about himself.
What needs to be understood, however, is that I would not have done these things if it had been a one-way street or if he’d been an abusive person. I’m not saying there weren’t times when he was a jerk, but most of the time he was genuinely trying to look after me.
If you are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or a user, you should be figuring out a way to leave, not ironing his hankies.
If you are in a relationship with a decent man, however, then make the effort to take care of his needs the way he takes care of yours. The amount of effort doesn’t have to be the same, and neither do the types of actions. Perhaps he shows his love best by doing physical chores such as changing the oil in your car or giving you backrubs, while he needs more emotional support from you.
Realize that relationships are seldom 100% equal. It’s OK if you sometimes give more as long as he is doing his best. It’s OK to let him be the center of attention sometimes and to occasionally put yourself in the background.
As long as there is reciprocity and the two of you have a partnership that works… forget about what other people think.
If you’re a woman who prefers to do the yardwork to the housework (which was me), that’s great. As long as both you and your husband are happy with this, who cares if the neighbors look at you funny when you mow the lawn? And if you’re a woman who prefers to be the haus frau, more power to you. As someone who is cleaning impaired and generally disorganized, I have only respect for women who can make household management look easy.
Bottom line, take care of your partner as long as he takes care of you. If he is a selfish jerk who expects you to cater to him without giving you what you need, then find a way out. Because you deserve better.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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