Nick Jurczak realizes both the awesomeness and the responsibility of being the first boyfriend his girlfriend has ever had. He shares what he had learned.
Being the first boyfriend that my girlfriend has ever had is one of the greatest honors that I have ever had in my entire life. I was her first kiss, the first person to see her naked, the first date, the first person in her life to make her feel truly special in every way. At the same time, this relationship that we’ve had has been the greatest of responsibilities for me. That’s because when she looks back on this time, I want her to remember that it was the best of times that she ever had and it really doesn’t matter if I am part of her future.
Being her first I’ve got some lessons that I want her to know and want to pass on to as many first time couples as I can.
1. Relationships are what you make them:
Being in a relationship puts you in a new position you’ve never had before. It makes you feel excited to try new things and also makes you scared of the vulnerabilities that you have. What you should take this to mean is deciding how you want the relationship to be and discuss that with your partner. Is the relationship going to be sexual? Is it something that is open or is the relationship exclusive? Is it going to be something that is kept a secret? How long do you plan on going out and how often do you want to see each other? These are all things to consider for making the relationship work. Defining your boundaries and what is ok and what is not is important to even having a thriving relationship between two people.
When I was in my very first relationship, this sort of thing was eventually the downfall. We had defined my first relationship as something that was sexually driven but open and something that started out as a secret but eventually became more public. The reason why these boundaries failed for me is that none of these things are exactly what I wanted or needed out of a relationship. I was ok with having sex and keeping my relationship a secret. I however was not ok with the openness but tried to put that to the side because I had never had a relationship before and it was something that I craved more than anything, but by ignoring that factor I ended up hurting myself more than making myself happy.
2. Relationships are difficult:
I know this is really broad but this is the best way to say that true relationships, especially high school and collegiate level ones, take tremendous amounts of work. You have to take the time to really know that special person in your life amongst the other noise of classes and extracurriculars and that person can’t just be someone that you visit when you have the time to do so. In a way, relationships are just another type of extracurricular activity and you have to treat it as such setting aside time to interact with one another. More than that is the idea that such an idea has to be mutual. Relying on one person to be the planner for activities won’t work.
Again going back to my first relationship I learned very quickly that my girlfriend at that time felt neglected by me. Each day I would have to leave her behind so that I could go to track practice. We probably went on a total of 3 or 4 dates, which I planned. Neither of us was fair in the amount of attention we gave the other person. We didn’t give each other the time of day and eventually that caused a huge emptiness towards the end of the relationship, which we both filled with other people.
3. Relationships take personal sacrifice
This can seem a bit similar to #2 but slightly different. What I mean here is that you can’t simply push your weight around in a relationship and be the dominant member. Of course you should want your significant other to take interest in you but if you don’t take interest in what they’re interested in, you’re going to have a lot of nights that end in tears. Is she interested in science fiction while you’re not? Too bad, you may have to try and understand Star Wars and Star Trek so that the two of you have common ground. Meanwhile, if you’re interested in metal music, something that isn’t exactly her cup of tea, you are entitled to expect that she should try to understand and respect your interest in it. A good way to try and combat your differences is definitely to find common interests.
My ex-girlfriend and I had a lot of differences. I was very interested in athletics at the time while she was interested in things like science fiction and fantasy. She never came to any of my meets. Of course I went to a couple of her club meetings but I feigned my interest for her sake. The lesson to learn here is to not be afraid to explore the interests of your partner. You can be pleasantly surprised sometimes.
4. Couples fight
Finally you aren’t always going to get along. You’re not always going to be on the same page. One person may be more sexually driven than the other. One may procrastinate on work too much. In essence you’re all going to have your ticks that will annoy the living hell out of your partner. You will yell about it to one another. This doesn’t mean that things won’t necessarily work out for the two of you. Take it as an opportunity to see where you can make your relationship stronger. Can your partner take a greater interest in the sexual pieces of the relationship? Absolutely. Can you be more understanding of your partner’s busy and stressful schedule? Sure. It’s only when you say you refuse to understand or refuse to change where the relationship gets in trouble. Relationships are a series of compromises.
I know this is all rather general but it has to be. Every relationship is different. Explore and have fun with the person you’re dating and know if things seem to be rough at points that’s fine. That’s how relationships are. Just keep in mind both your and your partner’s feelings. A relationship is about thinking more collectively than independently without losing your independence and it is one of the hardest things to take part in out of everything else there is in the world.