“I know there are some people out there who are single and looking for someone and I’m too, but why I can’t seem to find one that’s right for me? it’s been years!” — my single friend said.
I could hear her frustration clearly. Which got me thinking, what’s the real problem here? Is it truly the dating App?
It’s unfair to conclude that everyone in there just sucks and is not worth pursuing because clearly, there are still singles who genuinely want a relationship.
And I still see people finding success from it.
Maybe it’s time to redefine the meaning of the “one”
Before complaining about how sucks it is and feeling even down, let’s first see if your expectations are too high.
Many people think they deserve the best thing in the world, while I don’t doubt that, sometimes in life it just doesn’t work that way.
I’ve known people who bring that entitlement attitude into the dating pool and think no one is ever good enough for them. Some of their standards don’t even make sense.
They might find one person who ticks 80% of the boxes but because they care too much about the 20%, they don’t want to give it a chance.
Look, this isn’t about “compromising” your standards but rather looking deeper into your expectations.
No one comes with a complete package. Even though we know we aren’t perfect so we shouldn’t expect our future partner to be perfect too.
You might be surprised at how many people don’t really know their own definition of the “one”. They have a big list of what they want in a partner but never question them.
“That’s just what my parents (or society) think acceptable” — they said.
What’s your definition of the “one”? To me, it’s these:
- Someone who has the same values and is respectful of your way of thinking.
- Someone who supports you in your goals and dreams.
- Someone who shows up when you’re going through tough times.
- Someone who doesn’t see you as a competitor — instead, you want to build a strong team with this person.
- Someone who cares about you enough that they’re willing to compromise when needed.
- Someone who wants to get out of his comfort zone and travel the world with me.
Anything else can always be adjusted. So take a step back and ask yourself, “what qualities from a person truly matter to you?”
Even a relationship with the one won’t feel effortless
Some people who are actively seeking a partner through dating apps have it all wrong about what a healthy relationship truly looks like.
They’re so ready to leave when things are hard. A small misunderstanding is enough to make them walk away.
Instead of trying their best to work it through, they decided it was time to go back into the dating pool and look for someone better.
Sticking out to one relationship seems to be something people don’t do anymore nowadays. And then they complain about why haven’t they found the right person yet.
Because when you’re with the right person, everything’s supposed to feel easy and effortless right?
As someone who met her partner online and has been in it for almost 7 years, I hate to break it to you that it never works that way.
There is a lot of work needed to build a solid long-term relationship with someone. In no way it’s all rainbow and sunshine. It’s far from it. Because just like life in general, does it always feel easy for you?
But those who are committed to making it work will stay. They already knew things aren’t going to be hard.
That’s why the problem in online dating isn’t about finding a perfect match, it’s finding someone who can stick it out for a long period of time.
Blaming dating Apps won’t help make the situation better
I used to be the kind of person who likes to play the victim card.
I was being ghosted, dumped, and breadcrumbed by a guy in my early 20s and as much as I was mad over it, complaining about it over and over again made me feel worse.
It made me even more hopeless about dating in general. So I stopped whining and started focusing on what I could control instead.
If you think about it, your dating era shouldn’t be a phase where you’re stressing out or crying your eyes out all the time. It’s the time when you explore your options and confidently walk away when things don’t work out.
Yes, we all know how hard dating is nowadays. I don’t mean to disregard that fact. But I also want you to know that blaming how the world doesn’t work the way you want it is mentally draining.
To the point where you don’t even want to try anymore. You don’t want to put yourself out there because you’re either too scared or got sick of it.
But how long can you do it? How long can you convince yourself that nobody out there’s good for you or want to be with you?
Life works in a mysterious way and like they say, sometimes the best thing happens when you least expect it.
I’m living the proof of this and after all, I’m glad I didn’t give up on love.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com