As I walked out, I felt nothing but shame.
It was a long drive home. He’d kinda stopped talking to me after it was over. His voice mellowed. The excitement to see me had just, I don’t know…faded. He seemed tired and I felt for the first time in those 12 hours that I had become nothing but a nuisance.
Of course, it was raining when I got to the car, drove it around the corner and cried a little bit into my hands. I’d had a nice time. Yes, it was a good time. But that good time as over. There was no staying late and chatting. No morning coffee and an intriguing conversation on politics or drag queens or scrambled eggs.
I never heard from him again, but I would’ve liked to.
. . .
I’ve used Grindr to hook up. A lot more than I’d like to admit.
On and off again, like most people I guess, I’d get lonely and sign back on. Hit delete when I got disappointed by people who stopped responding or wanted to just hook up & go or looked like they hadn’t showered in a month.
Something changed the past few months, though. I heard a Nicki Minaj song and something about these lyrics just smacked me right in the fucking face.
I done fasted and prayed, had to cleanse my body
Abstaining from sex, had to zen my body
I ain’t giving, so don’t ask, I don’t lend my body
Gotta be king status to give a man my body
Maybe this is silly, but that really changed my thinking. And I hope this doesn’t come off as prude, but I think I’ve felt extremely powerful since I’ve raised my standard for who I allow to put their hands on me.
Men seem to notice too. They work harder. They reach out more. Not that there’s anything wrong with sleeping with people, but I realized that if I want to find someone of a certain standard, I’ve also gotta be that standard.
I strongly believe that we attract what we put out into the world. When I’ve lowered my standards, I’ve been taken advantage of. My emotions played with. My body used as an instrument to make someone else’s feel good. There was no collaboration in that kind of sex. They got off for them. Not me.
I’m all for people doing what they want with their body. I don’t judge and I won’t preach. But I can tell you from personal experience that there is power in being the kind of person you want to attract. Focusing on yourself instead of relying on how other people treat you.
I want to be treated better. Yes. Duh.
I guess I’ve just learned to treat myself better first.
This post was previously published on P.S. I Love You and is republished here with permission from the author.
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