You’ve seen them. Maybe you’ve even dared to read them. Sound familiar?
The abundance of relationship advice listicles suggested to you from every person claiming to be a relationship expert.
Of course, we all know that respect, decent communication, and a common passion for each other is the bare minimum required for both partners to feel loved; so why do we click?
‘5 Secrets to a Long and Happy Marriage According to the Experts’
‘How to have the Perfect Marriage’
‘10 Best Pieces of Relationship Advice to Live By’
A basic summary of the aforementioned articles:
- Don’t go to bed angry
- Have an open line of communication
- Make time for each other
- Have a date night once a week
Real love is simple
No — we don’t set aside one night a week for ‘date night.’ Even before having kids, this was never a huge priority for us. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be nice to have an evening a week to look forward to spending quality time together — it just isn’t realistic for most people
Finding intimacy in the little things is accessible for every couple and I would argue more beneficial for the relationship in the long run. You can find the magic everyday rather than assigning one night a week for love.
These articles are too broad and generic
What does it even mean to be happily married? If you asked ten people, I’m certain you would receive ten different answers.
Everyone has a different idea of what it means to be happy, especially happy in a relationship.
Some couples need daily sex to feel loved by their partner, while others can go several months without it and feel perfectly content.
Every couple has different wants and needs, which is why these articles won’t save your marriage.
Some people express love without overly romantic gestures
Experts say you should learn each other’s love languages.
I’m not even sure that I know what his love language is. I know he’s happy when I feed him, compliment him, and appreciate him for all of his hard work, but we didn’t need to sit down and take a test together to figure it out.
I know we don’t need the fancy dates and extravagant gifts to prove our love to each other. We don’t go big for holidays — I don’t expect diamonds or flowers for anniversaries, valentines day, or even birthdays. It feels disingenuous to only be spoiled on certain days of the year.
We don’t ‘check-in’ with each other
…not in the way that ‘experts’ recommend, anyway.
I can tell how his day was from the moment he walks in the door.
I don’t need to have a scheduled 5-minute rundown to know if it was good or not. Of course, we still ask each other how our perspective days went or update each other on any big news.
I agree that communication is crucial for any relationship, but everyone communicates in different ways.
I can read his silence just as well as his words.
Yes, you can go to bed angry
Sometimes you do need to sleep on it. It doesn’t always make sense to force a resolution within a certain timeframe just because the experts say you should resolve disagreements before bed.
Most of the time, I find I wake up happy and forgot about the small argument from the night before.
Bottom line: There is no secret
Structure doesn’t work for us, but it may work for some. Lowering your expectations for what love means is a good start. Love isn’t tangible — it isn’t fancy vacations or expensive dinners.
It’s the indescribable feeling you get in the moment of a heated argument or just silently sitting on the couch together.
Friends always ask me what our secret is because we seem like we have the perfect relationship.
The secret is marrying the right person.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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