My cousin recently ended her friendship with a “guy friend.”
“It was like he only wanted to talk to me if there was a chance that we’d have sex,” she lamented. “Why couldn’t he just be a good, genuine friend?”
Most women have gone through this type of friendship in some capacity.
Boy meets girl. They start spending time together. Boy finds her attractive. Girl is enjoying the attention and company that comes with a “friendship.” Eventually, boy gets tired of giving her attention without return. Girl and boy stop talking. Boy (most likely) moves onto another girl who he ends up dating.
“He used to be so nice,” the girl might think, “I don’t know what happened.”
To this I say — honey, the boy never wanted you for your personality alone.
“Shouldn’t my personality be enough for a friendship?”
Yes…and no. Your personality should be what draws a person in and makes them want to spend time with you and have conversations about something deeper than the weather.
But men won’t go out of their way to give you their undivided attention and do things for you unless they see it as an investment for something greater in the future.
Women make this mistake all. the. time.
We like the attention, the support, and the company of a man who is interested in us. We like having someone who’s willing to help us out and make us laugh.
But — big BUT — a man generally has no interest in giving a woman special treatment for an indefinite amount of time, hoping that one day she’ll date him. Every man has his limits.
“So he’ll only be my friend if there’s a chance that I’ll sleep with him in the near future?”
Again, yes…and no.
Define friend.
I have two guy friends who I’ve known since childhood. I have no romantic history with either of them. We see each other a couple of times a year. They’re both in long-term relationships and I’ve met their partners.
We catch up on life, and check in with phone calls and occasional visits. We reach out during birthdays and holidays. We’re friends.
But I don’t ask these guys to help me do groceries or fix the leak under my kitchen sink. I don’t stay up late into the night with them on the phone or go on dates and expect them to pay. They aren’t the first people I go to when I have a problem or need emotional support.
We’re friends.
Friends with clear, established boundaries.
“So I can only have guy friends if they aren’t that close?”
Yes…and no.
There are two exceptions to the no-close-guy-friends rule.
1 — if neither person is physically attracted to the other.
2 — if one party is gay.
But outside of these circumstances, it’s a no.
…
Final thoughts
So can men and women be “just friends”?
If what you’re looking for in a friendship is someone who you can be emotionally intimate with, spend tons of time together, have fun talking about life, enjoy each other’s company, and do favors for one another — then no, you can’t “just be friends” with someone who would naturally be interested in dating you.
It may be fun for a time, but it won’t work out in the long term.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash