It’s Not Your Anxious Attachment Style, People Are Just Awful

“I like texting you because you actually respond”.

We sat in a bar that night, margaritas in hand, laughing and almost drunk.

In the past 4 years, only a few members of our friend group have stuck around. The ones that didn’t, disappeared without a trace. Even after spending weekends and meals and nights out with each other.

As we cheered, I thought about how depressing it was.

Depressing that for most of us, not only do we get ghosted by potential lovers.

We get ghosted by basically everyone.

It’s at epidemic levels.

Instead of simply saying “I’m not interested” or writing “I don’t want to hang out tonight”, we simply disappear.

Friends. Family. Dates. Interviews.

Even hookups are non-committal now.

We ignore because we don’t know how to respond. And when we do not respond, we do not communicate.

And yet, communication is the basis of human relationships.

I saw someone on reddit say to someone who was ghosted: “lower your expectations, nobody owes you anything”.

What a depressing and low standard we have set for ourselves and others.

I’ve been wondering why lately that I’ve felt so mistrustful.

I feel mistrustful of others because at any moment, they can simply disappear, and you’ll never hear from them again.

You’ll make plans for dates that never happen. You’ll send out invitations to people that never respond. You interview with employers you just never hear back from.

And we’re supposed to be perfectly okay with all of it.

This has been said to death, but it’s true.

Behind our screens, we can hide from accountability.

And yet, staying accountable to others is how we build fulfilling relationships. We have to stay accountable, communicative, and polite in order to build sustainable bonds.

The idea that nobody “owes” us anything is new-age mumbo jumbo.

Expecting basic human decency should be something we owe to each other. That doesn’t mean you have to explain yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to continue talking to me or date me.

It does mean, that you should be honest. Or politely let people down.

I’ve made a change lately.

That instead of drifting away, I lean into communication with people. I tell them I’m disinterested. I tell them I’m not coming over to have sex. I tell them I’m busy.

And the reaction is usually positive.

But in the case it isn’t, at least I know I tried my best.

Because it turns out, at the end of the day, all of us do want strong communication from other humans. Not because we’re needy, have an anxious attachment style, or whatever other TikTok-therapist mumbo jumbo is out there.

You just want people to communicate with you. And they want the same thing in return.

You’re not entitled. You’re not crazy. And you’re sure as hell not broken.

You’re just human.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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