Attachment theory helps us understand why some people are secure, why some people are clingy, and why others seem to be afraid of commitment. Today, we will be looking at the later, which is the fearful avoidant attachment style.
What is It?
This is an attachment style where people fear being attached to someone. This doesn’t mean that a person doesn’t want relationships, but what it means that a person who is like this may end up leaving the relationship if it gets serious or someone wants too much intimacy.
This doesn’t have to involve romantic relationships, either; someone can be in a friendship and end up ending things when the friendship gets a little too close. It’s not too uncommon for someone with this attachment style to ghost people.
Why Does it Happen?
There are many factors that can lead to this attachment style, but one of the biggest is childhood. If someone was attached to their parents as a child, but one of those parents left, it can lead to someone being fearful avoidant. This is because the person feels like if they get too close, they will end up being disappointed.
This can also develop later on in life. For instance, if someone is recovering from a long-term relationship, they may be a little fearful trying to commit to a new one.
Signs You’re Fearful Avoidant
- While every person is a little bit different, someone with this attachment style may exhibit several signs of being fearful avoidant. Here are some of them.
- You have contradicting emotions about relationships. You may want something romantic, but you’re afraid of committing long-term.
- When you do have a relationship, it’s emotional and quite stormy.
- You tend to project, with you leaving the relationship because of a flaw in your partner.
- When things get intense, you withdraw from the relationship.
- You may prefer casual sex over something more intimate.
- When asked about your emotions, you may shut down.
What to Do?
If you feel like you have this style, is there any hope? While changing your style can be a challenge, it is possible for you to feel more secure in your relationship. Here’s how.
Know Your Boundaries
Setting up some boundaries when in a relationship is important. Tell your partner that while you want intimacy, you have a fear of it. When your partner wants to talk about your feelings, make sure they are doing it in a way that doesn’t feel pushy. If your partner can’t respect your boundaries, they may not be worth having in the first place.
Make sure your partner is supporting you and giving you reassurance. Not to the point of clinginess, but instead little reminders that they are there for you.
Defining boundaries is something that can take discussion. Perhaps you may want to sit down with your partner and figure out what boundaries you are comfortable with, which you feel are pushing it, and which are off-limits for now. Discussing boundaries is something that every couple should do, but especially when you’re fearful avoidant.
Look at Your Self-Esteem
Those who have fearful avoidant attachments may have lower self-esteem. That’s one reason why you may engage in self-destructive behaviors, because you feel like you don’t deserve any better.
Make sure to be mindful and try to find the positives in what you do. If there are positives, acknowledge them and make sure you’re mindful of them at all times.
Be Self-Aware of Your Instincts
Your attachment, in the end, involves your instincts. You probably avoid commitment not because of a conscious decision, but because you feel like that’s your only option. Because of this, it’s important to be mindful of your instincts and understand when you’re acting on them, not of a rational decision.
Through meditation and being aware of the present, mindful people learn to live in the here and now as opposed to the future. This can be a valuable tool in fighting your insecure attachment style. You may no longer worry about the future.
Mindfulness is something anyone can do. It doesn’t require a unique skillset. One way to start being mindful is to meditate a little and see where that takes you.
Finally, it’s important to seek help from a therapist if you feel as though your attachment style is too much for you to handle on your own. Therapy can allow you to figure out why you feel this way and learn ways you can avoid it.
Because of the current state of the world, online therapy resources can be a good place for you to turn to in order to change your attachment style. Click this link below for more information on it.
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