Melissa Potter almost always fell for the guys with long hair. And she finally figured out why.
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It was 8th grade. It had already been a rough and rather pimply year. My family couldn’t afford designer jeans, since they’d been spending every last cent on private Quaker school for us, so a friend finally took pity on me and gave me an old pair of Sassoons. Anyway, my mom said they weren’t healthy so tight: the girls would lie on the bathroom floor to zip them up. I was a mash up of Princess Di, preppy whale turtleneck hand-me-downs from my granny, and my one pair of designer jeans. And a pair of Nikes my parents finally caved and bought me at Ernie’s Shoe Post. On sale, two sizes too big and stuffed with newspaper.
And then, the awakening. I was in class, and across the hall waltzed this creature with a feathered, long black Steve Perry-like hairdo, the palest skin and red lips. I remember I thought, I am not sure if this is a boy or a girl, but this is it. I’m in love.
As it turned out, it was a boy, and it also turned out he was a genius. Which…he was pretty vocal about. He was an Ozzy and Black Sabbath fan. And so, I followed suit. With some tour shirts and a copy of Paranoid (ahem, one of the greatest albums ever) from the local library I designed a new persona. Spencer’s Gifts put the icing on the cake: a set of skull earrings with a hatchet through the top, which I split with my bestie. Because you just don’t wear the same earring in both ears, of course. This didn’t go over well with my parents, but it really had nothing at all to do with goth and death. In retrospect, I wish everyone understood what it was really in reference to.
We had a brief phone romance, the fellow and I, but it didn’t last long. I bored him, according to sources, which I’m sure was absolutely true. Why was I so attracted to this guy? Well, he was totally different from anything else I’d ever seen or been around. Maybe he was even different from the a-hole boys who stood in the back of gym class and talked about which girls had nice butts in the designer jeans, and on whom they’d bestow the great honor of sex. Maybe he was nicer than the jerk who wrote in my yearbook he hoped my boobs got bigger over the summer. Male privilege: fully ensconced by age 13.
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As the years went on, my penchant for different got deeper. It also got more serious. Something horrible happened in high school, something so cliche, so right out of a B grade film, you probably think “this never happened where I’m from.” In my later life, I was a rape crisis counselor. I have bad news for you. It happens everywhere.
It goes like this: a girl with a drinking problem and terrible self-esteem goes to a party. Add a group of boys. Football players, mostly, but a few “popular” types who seemed “nicer” than that. And they “party trained” her, in the words of my boyfriend, not one night, but on an ongoing basis. I feel like I’m about to throw up, no kidding, so I’ll cut this short. It was gang rape. My boyfriend told me he witnessed one guy in, with another guy finishing behind her. Though it was before the film The Accused came out (depicting a case in which the witnesses of a brutal gang rape were held accountable), I was aware that my boyfriend witnessed a crime. If you haven’t seen the film, it is an important piece of American history.
I tried to tell people about it, I was sickened, enraged, beaten down by it. No one would listen to me. I watched the perps go out with the popular girls. Some were even my friends—I had a spring semester when I somehow got on the fringes of the popular crew. It didn’t last, and I’m glad it didn’t. The girl who was gang-raped was routinely made fun of by some of those popular guys. You know, she was a slut and all that shit.
As I moved on to college, I had a greater selection of long-haired boys. They were also the pot smokers. I guess from this high school trauma, I was completely clear that alcohol and the abuse of women went hand-in-hand. My grandmother and mother once got on the “gateway drug” debate about pot. I said, “Look at it this way: your daughter is at a party. Do you want her going home with the drunk or the pothead?” Don’t think I bought into the idea the long hairs were radical feminists—ever read the comic Bitchy Bitch? One features a brilliant spoof on the role of women during the 60s protests—a lot of secretarial work and unsatisfying sex with uncommitted dopers.
But at the end of the day, my love for longhairs was a dream for something different. Someplace where my budding sexuality might be safe and cared for, not abused, and robbed from me. Though mostly a fantasy, I am grateful for the space it created in me to question the status quo, and I’ll gladly suffer the photographic evidence.
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Photo: robynlou8 / flickr
Hey Melissa,
I think as an article this is a great read. I know this article is not about someone but I am kind of curious about what happened to that long haired guy!!
I’m the same somewhat, I find myself only into very androgynous pretty men with long hair. I married a long haired male feminist and am very happy so there you go
“long hairs” rape people too. I know this to be true. No dialogue started really. Rapists look like everyone. My son has hair to his waist….hes not a rapist but it has nothing to do with his hair….and he doesnt smoke pot, might have a beer here and there….doesnt go to parties cause he has a good job he gets up at 5am everyday to go to. A dialogue would be about why men choose rape….not I liked a guy in high school that had long hair.
Good god, there are likely dozens of other articles, blogs and websites you can go to if you want to discuss rape so frigging badly.
I sort of get it, but also sort of sounds like the original longhair guy wasn’t great to you either…
Interesting and heartbreaking article. I hate to burst your bubble but I was at a rowdy, legendary party in SF in @1985. Every corner of this house had been taken over by rockers, punks, hippies and other various genre city kids. The height of 80’s debauchery. People were making out, drinking, puking everywhere….this was the 80’s! My friend had been in JVC (juvenile hall) so she hadn’t been eating well and drank too much, getting way too drunk. She nearly passed out on the floor of the ‘living room’ after puking on the pants I loaned her and some long… Read more »
Thank you so much for this amazing story, thank you all for your comments. This is what it’s about: dialogue. Thinking differently. Trying something else than the sexist system.
It’s very unfortunate that so many schools, even public schools, have draconian ‘dress code’ policies that don’t allow boys to have long hair – or even slightly shaggy, with the common line of ‘above the shirt collar’. The better to churn out drones for the many jobs with the same sad requirement, of course.
If you haven’t seen “Almost Famous” yet, get a copy ASAP! Billy Crudup’s portrayal of a longhair 70’s rock god is an unforgettable blast from the past.
I, too, find long hair on men to be attractive, not only intrinsically, but for what it signals about the man who chooses to wear it. Some time ago, I came up with a shorthand for what men’s hairstyles say to me, in my American culture. I wish I could post photos, but descriptions will have to do: Short, buzz-cut, military-style hair = “I serve the system”. Long hair = “I fight the system”. Medium-length, banker-style hair = “I am the system”. I should tell you that I am a white, educated, upper-middle-class American female, born in the 1960s. And… Read more »
I’ve always liked girly-looking/ acting men and long luscious locks are an absolute must! (My fiance is a ginger with waist-length hair.) I’ve always found overly masculine men to be totally unattractive. I like dating guys who like tea parties and baking cookies and playing dress-up with makeup and girly clothes. I kind of see myself as being a mixture of feminine and masculine traits and I think I prefer men who identify that way themselves. Even though I’m biologically female and I’m usually attracted to men, I actually prefer relationships based on sameness rather than the two of us… Read more »
Nice you have an open mind.
I understand the desire for finding someone different than those douches who also had short hair. But you really missed or on a TON of guys who are awesome guys that also happen to have short hair and are different through action, personality, humor, character, etc. Not just their hair. It’s sad that so many women are that confused about men based on outward appearance. Every woman who has taken the time to get close to me has told me they were so glad they did because I was different than they thought I was, in a good way. As… Read more »
It is amazing to be in conversation with you. I’m now with a short haired man, interestingly enough smaller than I am. I think my piece was about the struggle as a young person to find a new world for myself, I was a mere 13 years old. Finding alternatives is mighty tough in middle America, Black Sabbath was the best I could do until I got out on my own. You sure aren’t boring, you wrote in on The Good Men Project! And no, I’m not into generalizations, I’m just into good dialogue.
Hi Melissa- I just read your article. I did not know you experienced that process in High School. I knew of an upper grade female student who was raped but nothing was addressed. Even though we were close friends in high school I never knew what you just shared. As a father with a young daughter, I worry about stories like you wrote. I ponder how do I provide the tools for my daughter to take care of herself? I than turn to thoughts of my son. Why do I not have the same level of worry for him? Is… Read more »
Roland, it is so cool to be speaking with you here!! PHS was a bad place for women. I think things have changed, they have also stayed the same. This is why a conversation is so important. Lots of love to you. You certainly were part of my alternative world. In your case, it was black hair dye, not a braid ; )
Hi Melissa! It is wonderful communicating with you here! You are correct PHS was not a positive environment for women. In a certain manner we were living in a John Hughes movie, a bad version. We use to worry about our appearances to fit. When I reflect upon that time period the only authentic person in my life was you. So many of our peers were not authentic even though you thought they were friends.
I forgot about the black hair dye. Wow! Talk about an interesting experience. I really enjoyed your article! Lots of love back to you. -Roland
The only long-term relationship I’ve been in thus far has been with a man with hair down to his waist. Man I loved his hair. 🙂 He was also a Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden fan and a pothead lol. (He was also a drunk, though) But despite his dependency issues, he was the sweetest man who wouldn’t hurt a woman, ever.
I was definitely one of those “longhairs” for the longest time.. but I never got into the drugs. I’ll be honest with you though, those “longhair” dopers are exactly what that comic presents them as.. all the ones I hung out with in school, are basically all still losers and all fighting over the same few women (whenever a new one shows up who’s not a single mom, they all fight to claim her and next thing you know that “problem” is solved) and I don’t spend time around them anymore. They may have been “Geniuses” or ‘Nice” back in… Read more »
Wow Melissa, your experience sounds a lot like my own. 🙂 When I was in eighth grade, I was a fan of MTV bands like Duran Duran and Adam And The Ants. There was a boy who sat behind me in study hall, a boy with a battered denim jacket and long, sandy blond hair (he bore a passing resemblance to Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden.) He decried my musical preferences, and started slipping me mixtapes of bands like Dio, Rainbow, Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, and Rush…and thus I fell in love with hard rock and heavy metal,… Read more »
*sigh* I wish my hairline hadn’t receded (I like to think of it as it taking a step backwards for the moment), it does not make the long hair look good.
Or maybe I just need to actually style it properly.
*sigh*
Glad you found a good ‘un, Melissa, whatever his hirsuteness.
Ha! Welcome to the club. We meet on Thursday, and complain about hair migration. Oh well, a great big beard it is then.
I have too much hair, literally lots n lots of folicles, if my hair is longer than an inch it becomes this weird afro-wannabe mess. I wish I could take every second folicle n donate it lol.
First, I’m sorry for what happened to you and glad that you made it through what had to be a horrible situation. I understand the hair thing. The Shorthaired jocks were not very nice people mostly. The guys with long hair were at least nice. We also had hair metal happening all around. The first thing I noticed about my husband was his hair, and 18 years later he can still freak me out with the mere mention of a haircut. Usually he just gets 10 or 12 inches cut off and donated, but it’s still at least shoulder length.… Read more »
D.R., it’s great to hear your feedback. I feel incredibly lucky I wasn’t “that girl” in high school. It’s why I feel responsible to break the code of silence. Longhairs unite! It is sexy indeed.
Hey Melissa,
I’m so sorry about what happened to you in high school.
I also loved (and still do) longhairs. I think for me, it has to do with their non-conformist attitude. Plus, I just think long hair on a guy is *sexy.* Most cultures, before modern times, saw hair as a symbol of virility, like a lion’s mane. Long hair on a man is a little wild, untamed…and it’s a big turn-on for me.
It was the Romans who popularized the short haircut, which carried over into mainstream Christianity. And I’m not a fan of either.
Ooh, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I go livid every time someone claims that long hair on a guy is girly or gay, implying that I’m attracted to men that are somehow less than men. What utter nonsense. It was actually my father who told me about the history of long hair and what it represented for men, and I always found it intriguing.