Because love is so powerful and can cause so much pain, it can bring up your fear of being hurt and abandoned. Fear causes you to try to protect yourself from the potential pain of love. There are many ways you can do this. Most involve fleeing from intimacy by putting distance between yourself and your partner. You can distance yourself by:
- Never fully committing to them
- Having affairs
- Cutting off your feelings
- Creating arguments
- Excessively involving yourself in work
- Communicating only at superficial levels
- Retreating to your “man cave”
- Compulsively watching tv or surfing the internet
- Minimizing or refusing to address relationship problems that arise
- Over-indulging in drinking and drugs
- Avoiding them by hanging out a lot with your buddies
These can all be potent ways of avoiding a certain depth of love with your partner. You can use them to give you an “out” if you become anxious or overwhelmed.
These ways that protect you from intimacy are effective. They create distance when you are uncomfortable and fear becomes overwhelming. However, the cost is steep. . . possible loss of your partner’s love for you. Each time you do something that puts distance between them and you can cause their flame of trust and love for you to dim. They will become uncertain of whether you truly care for them and cautious of giving their love to you. When you repeatedly retreat, your relationship will lack aliveness and authenticity. The bonds that bind you will weaken and you will become separated emotionally, maybe even physically. If you persist in cutting yourself off from your partner, eventually the light of their love for you will extinguish. Do you expect them to eternally stick around if you are not emotionally present with them?
Fear and love work in opposition to each other. When fear overtakes you, love is suppressed.
When love dominates, your fear recedes.
Fear is born in your mind. Love is born in your heart.
Your mind looks into the future with dread. Your heart is anchored in the present.
So, at the times when your mind overcomes you and fears about your relationship arise and you have the impulse to push your beloved away and hide– stay steady. Abide with your fear, but don’t be carried away by it. Listen to the panicked mind, but avoid following it down the many dark alleys where it will take you.
Instead, quiet down, stay present and listen until you can hear the genuine voice of your heart. Your heart’s voice holds the truth. It will guide you and give you strength.
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This post is republished on Agents of Change on Medium.
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