My relationship with my mother began on December 20, 1958, and ended on August 7, 2021. We filled the days between those dates with experiences that are now my precious and priceless memories.
My mother’s childhood built some of the traits that I most admired about her; she was self-reliant, strong, resilient, determined, independent, relentless, generous, and gregarious.
She was confident in herself and never backed down from a challenge or obstacle.
As the eldest child, I had a front-row seat for the divorce between my parents at eleven years of age. I watched as she lost her identity as a wife in 1970 when women had few rights.
She took on her new role as a single parent when society did not treat single divorcees kindly.
My mom found the gumption to look for a job when she knew her opportunities would be more limited by societal norms than her credentials. She went on from her first job as a bookkeeper to build a successful long-term career with a national fast-food chain. It suited her outgoing and caring personality to a tee, and she had great satisfaction and pride in the difference she made in so many people’s lives.
My mom was a model parent in my book. She had a clear parenting style in mind that always included asking me to reflect on what I had just done to find what I might do differently next time to avoid mishaps.
My mom knew that the way to change my behavior was to get me to change my thinking. It has worked for me until this day, and I have no intention of changing my habit of reflecting on my behaviors.
My mother epitomized unconditional love. When I came out to her as a gay man in March 1979, she said I love my gay son and want him to be happy in life. I will always be there for my son. She was true to her word over the next 42 years.
During one of Mom’s visits in 2013, I joined her for our morning ritual of a conversation over a cup of tea. On this particular morning, she was working on some paperwork at the desk when I joined her.
I asked her what she was working on already so early in the morning. She told me that she was working on her Pale List. I asked her what a Pale List was.
She told me that she did not have the money to have a bucket list, so she was happy to have a Pale List that included what she wanted to do before she died.
I asked her if she would share it with me, and she did. As I reviewed it with her, I told her that I thought we could make much of it happen for her.
From that moment on, I set my sights on making as much of it happen for her as I could.
We flew to London, where I spent the weekend with her in a hotel that I hand-picked out for her on a previous trip. I was able to show her around her neighborhood before I left to go to work for the week in the UK Midlands. She was going to be solo for a week in London at 79 years old.
When I returned at the end of my workweek, she had made friends with people in the hotel and the local pub. She was very happy and proud of herself for doing so many things while on her own for the week. Her joy was evident in her smile and her stories.
Next, we flew to Barcelona to board a cruise for a week to Italy and Tunisia. We had quality time sharing stories and reminiscing on life. The one-on-one time that we had brought us even closer as mother and son and friends.
At the end of the cruise, we flew to Stockholm for the final weekend before returning home. We toured the city by motorcoach and boat and left with some once-in-a-lifetime memories.
Our return flight included an all-day layover in Chicago, which allowed us to go into the city and have a nice lunch. We soaked up every last minute of our time together right up until the last flight home.
This first of many adventures included ten flights to eight countries on three continents. We traveled by air, sea, and land. We shared stories that made us laugh and cry.
When Mom and I took the Alaskan cruise in August 2014, we visited our 49th US state.
We cruised the Panama Canal in October 2015, and Mom added South America to her list of visited continents.
We cruised to New England and Canada in October 2016, and I visited my 50th state-Maine.
Our last cruise was for her birthday in November 2017, to Hawaii-her 50th state. What made that cruise special was the surprise my sister and her wife cooked up.
They flew to Hawaii for vacation and surprised my mom when we arrived in our first port of Hilo; I arranged for us all to breakfast on the deck after the surprise. They also met us in Honolulu and took my mom to the Arizona Memorial before having dinner on the ship with us for Mom’s birthday.
As I reflect on the memories that I made with my mom, I can’t help but wonder what might have happened if she had not raised an adventurous son.
I told Mom on every cruise when we were just sitting and talking that I was making memories with her that would be deep in my heart for a lifetime; today, I am grateful for her sharing her Pale List with me.
How are you making memories with loved ones that will last a lifetime?
With much gratitude.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Author
