Strong, powerful, without regret—why have we delegated these characteristics to men (and only men) after a breakup? James Gummer gets us off the couch.
—
“Men don’t hurt,” she said as she took a long pull from her coffee.
She was preparing to break up with her boyfriend. She was just getting too busy, she said, and felt like she was being spread too thin. She has kids, and a husband, and the energy it took to keep the husband from finding out about the boyfriend, whilst also still maintaining the affair, was getting to be too much.
Plus, she really wanted to take a yoga class.
So the boyfriend had to go.
“Do you think this’ll be upsetting to him?” I asked. “Do you think he’ll be sad or miss you?”
“He’s a guy,” she shrugged.
Wow.
Despite all of the progress that men and women have made in terms of accepting and understanding each other, this is still a common misconception. That after a romance ends, a woman is devastated, eating gallons of ice cream on her couch as she retraces every step of the relationship, or crying to her girlfriends over brunch. Meanwhile, the man is out at the strip clubs, pounding beers with his buddies and hooking up for casual sex with the first woman he can find.
I think quite a few women believe that men don’t feel a sense of connection, that we don’t sit around reminiscing about the first date, the first awkward attempt at a kiss. Probably because a lot of times we hide it. To seem strong. To seem powerful. We’re so very good at hiding it.
But that simply isn’t true.
He does remember. And it does hurt. You weren’t just a “thing.”
He remembers the time the two of went to the pond to feed the ducks, and the way you squealed with delight when a duckling ate from your hand for the first time. He remembers spending an entire rainy Sunday on your couch holding you while your bunnies hopped around the room and welcomed him as one of their own. He remembers that when your blood sugar drops you become a cranky rage monster and must be taken to dinner immediately.
He remembers the tears in your eyes when the two of you broke up. Through sobs you told him you loved him, but the distance, the geography was the villain.
The ending of the Skype call filled the room with a silence that still haunts you.
It haunts him too.
And like you, men move on—as battered, broken, and battle damaged as The Millennium Falcon. Still functional, but showing some wear.
Held together by hope and duct tape. Just like you.
Then after some time you start dating someone new, to discover them, and list the things you like about them. You feel fear. Not so much a fear of the person you’ve met, but a fear that if you get too close, if you like them too much, it will hurt all the more when this thing ends.
Just like last time.
And new guy might feel that fear too, because he’s also fed the ducks with someone else.
And he’s not calling or texting as much as you thought he might if he was really interested.
And sometimes it starts to feel like he’s playing games, doesn’t it?
I know. It sucks.
But I want to introduce the doubt here, because it might not be a game at all. It might be the fact that men get scared too. It might be that he does really like you, but he’s taking his time. Watching things develop, just like you’ve probably done at some point. Maybe that’s why your phone isn’t ringing.
Certainly, it’s up to you to decide how much energy you want to expend figuring it out. There’s no shame in bailing if it feels like too much work too soon in a relationship. Because not everyone is worth it. That’s just a sad truth. And sometimes people are just too damaged.
Certainly men do that as well. Sometimes fear itself is a deal breaker. That’s fine too.
I just wanted you to know that it’s not always men playing games.
I mean sometimes it is. And some women like games too.
But not always.
Sometimes they just need space in their life for a yoga class.
~~~
Photo: Jon Lucas/Flickr
And read James here and here:
John – I’m allowed my opinion and I’m allowed to point out comments I think may have underlining meanings as long as I do it in a respectful way. I didn’t discount what Danny had to say. The fact is Danny spent time talking about how he felt women were not doing men right but he didn’t talk about how he felt men were not doing right. So yes, when he said ‘people’, when most of his post was about what he felt women were doing wrong, I wondered if he really meant ‘people’ or if he really meant ‘women’.… Read more »
I didn’t say that it’s women’s fault that men remain silent. I’m saying that women can’t blame men for not speaking if what they say will be discounted anyway. Maybe it’s easier to understand by looking at suicide prevention.
http://www.suicideispreventable.org/
The very first thing is know the signs. It isn’t wait until he tells you and if he doesn’t oh well.
@ Erin Let me try one more way to explain it in the context of another conversation we’ve been having. You’ve often complained that men don’t value women for anything other than looks. Men have often said that it was what we readily know because this is all we can tell from first sight. These men have also suggested that maybe if a woman were interested in a man she should ask him out be proactive. You’ve tended to reject this because of societal conditioning or because women don’t have a 100% success rate. I don’t recall you ever saying… Read more »
Erin to Danny
“You said broadly that ‘people’ are not ready for men to access their full emotional range.” I tend to believe that by ‘people’ you really mean ‘women’.”
And that’s why men are supposed to speak up so that women can discount what they said anyway?
Danny to Erin
“No I really mean people when I say people.”
See? So women can ascribe whatever reasons to the words we use, but shouldn’t have any responsibility trying to understand what a man is feeling through his actions or lack there of?
Stories like this remind me that people are not ready for men to access their full emotional range. “Men don’t hurt,” she said as she took a long pull from her coffee. She was preparing to break up with her boyfriend. She was just getting too busy, she said, and felt like she was being spread too thin. She has kids, and a husband, and the energy it took to keep the husband from finding out about the boyfriend, whilst also still maintaining the affair, was getting to be too much. Plus, she really wanted to take a yoga class.… Read more »
Danny, I don’t think that’s fair. I’m sure some women aren’t ready for men to access their full emotional range. I am sure many more women aren’t ready for men to access their full emotional range but are willing to learn how to be better partners about giving men that emotional freedom. The truth is, like the author of this piece said, men tend to hide these things from us. Honestly, if you only portray one image to the outside world, and then get mad when a woman doesn’t understand or know what’s happening with you on the inside, you… Read more »
….you can’t blame her anymore then you could blame a man for not knowing how to express his more complex emotions to other people. But the thing is Erin, guys are blamed for not knowing how to express their more complex emotions. When women express emotions beyond their “acceptable” range and people don’t like we don’t say we can’t blame people who arent ready for it. No they are called out on their inability to accept that women are expressing more than what is allowed. But sometimes it truly does seem that some men don’t get as attached to their… Read more »
“When women express emotions beyond their “acceptable” range and people don’t like we don’t say we can’t blame people who arent ready for it. No they are called out on their inability to accept that women are expressing more than what is allowed. ” Actually no , that’s not the reality I’ve experienced. When women express emotions beyond their ‘acceptable’ range, women get called ‘crazy’ or ‘over emotional’ or are asked if they are on their period. Or they are called much worse names. “Do you know why guys act that way? Because if we do express attachment we are… Read more »
It seems to me that you want women to take the brunt of blame for things men can and should be responsible for. At some point, there needs to be some personal accountability.
No I want the blame game to end. However it will never end if blaming one side for the other side’s shortcomings keeps happening.
Danny, I don’t think that’s fair.
Oh and this. Maybe you mean to say that it is unfair to apply my assessment of this situation to all women but just in case its not, this woman is cheating on her husband. I would think the same about a man cheating on his wife that he would use whatever excuse he could find to ease his own conscious about cheating.
Danny – you said: “Stories like this remind me that people are not ready for men to access their full emotional range.” – You did not make the comment specific to this woman. You said broadly that ‘people’ are not ready for men to access their full emotional range.” I tend to believe that by ‘people’ you really mean ‘women’.
I’m sure you do believe that I mean ‘women’ when i say people because thats what fits your biases about me.
No I really mean people when I say people.
From the guys that call a guy names for crying about a breakup to the women that insult a guy’s masculinity because he isn’t “tough enough” for her.
If you say you mean ‘people’, I believe you. It’s just that you strictly talked about how you think women are defunct in a lot of topics on the website but you didn’t address the male side of it. Which was what lead me to the biased thinking. I often feel that you are blaming women even if that is not your intension. But I don’t doubt you feel the same about me.
@ Erin
“But men need to be willing to share these things and get comfortable with their own emotional range too.”
Here is where I think the disagreement is coming from. Danny is saying that women need to create the safe space which will allow a man to display the full range of his emotions. Although, I think you’d agree, you seem to disagree that this needs to happen first. Once that’s accomplished then certainly it’s up to the man to open up, but I don’t feel we’ve come that far.
I’ve seen first hand with my own parents that both people need to make an effort. My Mom was really good at creating emotionally safe places to express feelings in our family. Both my older brother and I have really great relationships with her. I’ve seen her try to make those safe places for my Dad who had a really hard time sharing his feelings with anyone about anything. She did her part, he wasn’t able to do his. And it didn’t matter how much she gave, he just wasn’t going to be able to do it. I don’t blame… Read more »
“if men don’t speak up, women don’t know what’s important to you. And you can’t keep blaming women for not creating these perfect, secular, fantasy ‘safe places” until you do your part.” Bit I think men often times do. Women demand that men do it in a particular way. In a way that they are comfortable with. That’s the safe space that women demand for themselves, but are less inclined to provide it for their partner. As you state, BOTH people need to do their part. You can’t wait for your partner to just “man up” and ise your communication… Read more »
So you honesty believe that most men are doing their part and most women aren’t? That seems to be what your saying when you say that men “often times do” and then go on to talk about what women ‘demand’ for ‘themselves’. As if women are more selfish while men are giving it their all. Please correct me if I misrepresented your stance. I literally never use the term ‘man up’. The reason I told you about my Mom’s relationship with my brother was to show you that she did create a safe place for a man to communicate. My… Read more »
@ Erin “I see a lot of advice from men telling women that they need to speak up for what they need in a relationship, that men aren’t mind readers. Why does that not apply to men as well?” It goes the other way to Erin, but men don’t get the benefit of the doubt. I’ve heard people tell men that they should constantly check to make sure their girlfriend is OK with lovemaking. Even when it comes to things like her tensing up. I’m not saying that women should read a man’s mind, but is it that hard to… Read more »
I appreciate this article and discussion. I have often believed that men don’t care, and I am a good woman. I grew up learning to put other’s needs before my own, and as I have gotten older, I think I have developed a resentment toward men, fair or not, for their ability to put themselves first. The belief that men don’t care, the distrust, the way men speak about women sometimes and treat them…I think it’s important for men to understand that women suffer far more trauma than men do in society. My father is a wonderful, compassionate, and sensitive… Read more »
@ Tiffany I hear you. I think the major issue men have here is that they can’t fix it and often times the women don’t want to. If a man complained about his girlfriend, I suppose your experience is that a woman will listen say poor guy and when he complains again do the same thing and say she’s being supportive / empathic. When a man hears the same thing from a woman, he tells her to stand up for herself or leave. It doesn’t sound empathic and I’m not disagreeing. I suppose you think men are wrong for it… Read more »
“I wager that the woman here holds onto the idea that men don’t hurt for her own comfort as much as (but probably more) she does for the guy in question. She wants to convince herself that he won’t be bothered by the break up to ease her own conscience. ” She’s cheating on her husband too. I don’t know that she has a conscience. I’m not sure she’d be a good example for this because she seems like a terrible person who cares nothing for others. She wasn’t ending her affair because she realized she loved her husband. She… Read more »
Sometimes a guy will text and call too much especially at the start of a relationship and he’ll come off as needy. I know a guy who called a woman he just met about 7 or 8 times a day. His big line was has anyone told you you are beautiful today. He was way over using that line. Their relationship lasted less than a week. I think he got one date and that was before all the calling, texting, e-mail, etc. Anyway, sometimes “games” is just a tentative way of men figuring out someone’s boundaries. P.S. We told him… Read more »
Lovely article, James.Thankyou.
A woman who thinks its ok to ‘have a boyfriend,’ whilst being married, isn’t a great example of someone who has insights into men’s feelings tho.
There are ‘Good Women,’ too
And, Good Women think about mens feelings and know they suffer hurts.We are all human, we all feel pain.
Sounds like the woman, in your example, was only ever going to think about herself anyhow.
This is so beautiful.