Ashley Warner, a survivor of rape, is concerned how this act of violence affects men, families, marriage and society.
—
It’s official: Men are invaluable partners in the process of sexual assault prevention.
That’s one of the underlying messages of The White House’s new “It’s On Us” campaign, which seeks to engage campus communities and empower all students – especially young men – to play a role in preventing sexual assault.
I know first-hand that rape hurts men, too. Men are sensitive and feel the pain when women are harassed and hurt.
|
While confirming what so many of us have known for quite a while, this acknowledgement also brings the implicit challenge of figuring out how, exactly, to engage men constructively or, in the words of ‘It’s On Us,’ to “see it as their responsibility to do something, big or small, to prevent it.”
For such commitment to take hold and endure, it has to come from the heart. Which begins with all of us – men, women and policymakers alike – stepping back and recognizing the many reasons why men, too, have a strong emotional stake in preventing sexual assault and violence and should care deeply about the issue.
◊♦◊
As a rape survivor myself, I know first-hand that rape hurts men, too. Men are sensitive and feel the pain when women are harassed and hurt. More than 23 years have passed since I was sexually assaulted, yet I remember all too clearly the tears in my best friend’s eyes when he insisted I stay with him for a while after the assault. Or how one of my male colleagues cursed loudly and walked away slamming a door when I announced what had happened at work. Such pain and feelings of helplessness can be overwhelming.
When survivors suffer the men living alongside them do, too. Survivors can struggle for years with the fear, anxiety, and despair that arise in the aftermath of sexual violence. In my own case, terror continued to strike for months on end every time I heard a noise behind me on the street. Cars honked and my heart pounded. If I heard a young boy shouting to his friend, I was left trembling. I walked around in constant fear, certain that something terrifying was about to happen, plagued by forgetfulness, hopelessness and violent flashbacks of what had happened.
Untreated trauma can also have devastating long-term effects on parenting skills.
|
At the time I was young and single and this affected mostly my friends and my colleagues. What if I’d been married or had children? Caring for myself in the aftermath of rape was challenging enough without the responsibility of a family. According to 2002 data from the CDC, divorce is more likely among survivors of sexual assault than among the general population.
◊♦◊
Untreated trauma can also have devastating long-term effects on parenting skills. For example, survivors of sexual violence may find it harder to attune to the needs of their children, have difficulty showing affection, or become quickly angry and anxious. Additionally, physical aspects of birthing and parenting may trigger unwelcome memories of sexual trauma, negatively impacting the ability to bond with children. In this way, sexual violence becomes a multi-generational problem which impacts all of us.
From a broader perspective, rape reflects poorly on men everywhere. Although only a tiny fraction of men are ever involved in a rape, the mere act, along with widely held notions that it’s up to women to “not get raped,” sends a degrading message that men can’t control themselves when faced with a short skirt. But this is simply not true. We all know personally that the men in our lives are not rapists and research shows that rapists are serial predators, not good guys turned momentarily bad.
◊♦◊
And let’s not forget: there are men who are rape survivors, too. One in 33 according to the National Institute of Justice. Putting ourselves in their shoes for even a moment is a motive for engagement that speaks for itself.
Photo: Flickr/ihave3kids/eyewitness
First I’d like to say that I believe that some of the comments were overly harsh. It’s always brave to come out as a survivor. I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope that you’ve found some measure of peace. I think though when we talk about male perpetrated rapes against women, we often miss the point. You say, “along with widely held notions that it’s up to women to “not get raped,” sends a degrading message that men can’t control themselves when faced with a short skirt.” You’re feeding into the same beliefs that men have to control… Read more »
A little more regarding the insult to men that they “can’t control themselves”: The research shows that even when rape is perpetrated by someone known to the victim, as it is in most cases, it is NOT an issue of “lost control.” Rape is typically a planned act committed by a seasoned assailant. Psychologically, it is difficult to come to terms with the fact that cunning sexual predators walk among us sometimes. It is easier to blame the victim, and/or to assume that any male is a potential perpetrator. I think that’s an insult to men and certainly distracts from… Read more »
I think it is an insult to men to ignore that they can be sexually abused.
Hello and thank you to those who have responded. To the readers who note the omission of any real discussion of male victims—you’re right: the article is not comprehensive. But believe me, I in no way mean to minimize the suffering of the 1 in 6 men (probably too low an estimate) who have experienced sexual assault before the age of 18, and the adult men who suffer sexual violence perpetrated by both male and female partners. As a therapist, I work with them. Indeed, we need discussion about male victimization, too. As dismal as the reporting statistics are for… Read more »
I look forward to reading your follow-up article then!
Maybe, if feminists stopped demonising all men as ‘potential rapists and abusers’, men would be more willing to get on board with the noble idea of doing more to prevent rape and sexual assault. And if the aforementioned movement did more to acknowledge that not only that there are male victims (and probably a lot more than current statistics suggest), some of whom are victims of FEMALE assailants, then maybe, just maybe, men would be more willing to help. Just a thought.
Agreed. How come no mention of women who commit sexual abuse?
The single excerpt of your article that resonates with me is the quote: “the mere act, along with widely held notions that it’s up to women to ‘not get raped,’ sends a degrading message that men can’t control themselves when faced with a short skirt.” Such a statement draws to me to question the male dominance in certain countries who decide to rule over and subjugate their women with dress codes and other acts of protocol under threat of bodily harm, imprisonment or even death. I want to scream from the rooftops: “WHERE IS YOUR SELF CONTROL!? What are you… Read more »
Maybe boys who have an easier time understanding consent if people actually took the time to value theirs as well as their female partners? Getting consent from women is pretty much hammered into boys heads these days… but how often are women and girls told the same thing? I can’t tell you how many times I was sexually harassed by girls growing up- I was even peeped on while I was changing- and never realized it until I was an adult looking back. Because nobody bothered to tell me that my own bodily autonomy was important with regards to people… Read more »
Wow, only a small mention of male victims at the end. Very offensive.
Please do not be too offended by the author. As a suggestion, it may be a good opportunity for the writer to expound on the subject of men who are rape survivors as well. Rape is crime that has been shrouded in taboo where victims are left to their own devices in dealing with the trauma and aftermath. Silence and withdrawal prevent the truth of the offense to stay buried as no to bring dishonor to their family, but in doing so allows the offender to escape accountability under our justice system. Men who are raped deserve as much attention… Read more »
You would think that men would have a stake in rape prevention because they make up such a large portion of the victims, but ok.
I like this idea of men and women standing up for each other. Do you have any estimate on when women are going to start standing up for male victims?