Monogamy or Consensual Non-Monogamy–Which Is Right for You?

The natural predisposition of the male of most every species is to sow his oats with as many females as possible. I’m sure most of us guys have had some version of the fantasy of beautiful women lining up at our doorstep. It doesn’t usually happen—at least it hasn’t happened with me. At the same time, we have been acculturated as an ideal, to value commitment to one partner, happily ever after, for a lifetime. However, this is changing. Indications of this change can be found in statistics showing fewer couples choosing marriage, increasing numbers of divorces, burgeoning frequency of extramarital affairs, and greater numbers of couples engaging in a variety of relationships with multiple partners.

There are benefits of monogamy, being in a long-term committed relationship with one partner, and benefits of being in a consensually non-monogamous relationship, a relationship with multiple partners. Previously, I’ve written about some of those benefits (and problems). But the choice for monogamy or non-monogamy is more than about advantages and disadvantages. It has more to do with each individual’s personality makeup and their particular needs. To generalize, human beings have many basic needs. Two important ones, that are in opposition to each other, are the need for security and the need for novelty. The security need finds its expression in the desire for permanence, comfort, safety, predictability. The need for novelty finds its expression in the search for variety, change, adventure, danger, the new, the unknown. Everyone has different degrees of these two needs, and obviously, these differences will strongly influence the choices they make about how they commit, or not, in their relationships.

There is also another pair of opposing basic needs. One is the need for connection, and its expression in the desire for closeness, unity, and intimacy with another person. The other need is for separateness, and its expression in the desire for individuality, aloneness, freedom, and distance. The degree of the connection versus separation needs that a person has will also reflect on the way they commit in their relationships.

Neither monogamy nor non-monogamy is intrinsically right or wrong, better or worse than the other. They are lifestyle choices which, like all important choices a couple makes for their relationship, have consequences. Problems arise if individuals in the couple are not in alignment with each other’s lifestyle choices or if one individual pursues their choice without the other’s knowledge or agreement.

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