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Over the past decade or so, the term “trauma” has gained significant attention, evolving into a widespread concept. However, like many clinical terms, when it becomes part of everyday discourse, its meaning can become distorted. Today, everything seems to be attributed to trauma, and questioning or minimizing someone’s experiences is often discouraged.
Acknowledging the complexity of trauma is crucial. It’s more than just a checklist of adverse events like physical or sexual abuse, and neglect. Trauma is inherently subjective. This article aims not to invalidate anyone’s childhood trauma experiences but to explore insights gleaned from years of working with individuals and couples whose relationships have been strained or ruptured due to the enduring effects of childhood trauma.
2 Types 2 Paths
Which are you with?
As survivors of childhood trauma enter adulthood and form relationships, they often find themselves on one of two distinct paths. While they may not consciously choose these paths, their experiences often lead them down one road or the other, with significant differences in outcomes.
On one path, individuals possess a level of awareness regarding how their childhood trauma affects their interactions with others. They may struggle to control its impact, but they can recognize when it spills over into their relationships. Trauma resides in their bodies and emotional memories, causing them to react instinctively, but they eventually regain composure. These individuals demonstrate a sense of accountability and at least some empathy, acknowledging their shortcomings and taking steps to address them through therapy, both individually and as a couple. In these relationships, boundaries are established, and both partners assume responsibility for their well-being without overcompensating for each other’s struggles.
Conversely, some individuals externalize their childhood trauma, refusing to acknowledge their reactions without attributing blame to others. These partners lack empathy and rationalize their behavior, often exhibiting narcissistic tendencies. These individuals never seek therapy on their own, though they might temporarily follow you if you make the effort. Even when there are efforts to engage in therapy, meaningful change is elusive, as they resist confronting their trauma, buried beneath layers of shame.
In either scenario, codependency often underpins the relationship dynamics. The partner who does not have the experience of overt childhood trauma must learn to set boundaries compassionately while reclaiming their identities, which may have become enmeshed in the relationship. This process is arduous and often necessitates professional guidance. For those in relationships with trauma survivors of the second type (narcissistic), fear of abandonment/rejection or fear of retaliation perpetuates the cycle of codependency. Balancing the scales of power becomes a constant struggle, with no real support from the narcissistic partner, whose actions prioritize self-preservation, control, and shame avoidance.
I have yet to witness a case of the second type where boundaries are respected by the survivor, but in these cases, it becomes the test of assurance that what you are dealing with is essentially unsolvable from within. Establishing boundaries creates space for individuals to confront their own emotional baggage and encourages accountability. Healthy boundary setting is beneficial for both partners, yet only one will realize it and the other will act out. As I tell all of my clients in these scenarios, “The path towards growth, relational health, and the doorway out are all facing the same direction, so you might as well start walking.”
While the journey may be fraught with difficulties, it is ultimately liberating for those committed to personal growth. Confronting the codependent fear inherent in these relationships becomes an opportunity for self-discovery and empowerment. Determining the type of person you are with may require some help, but the patterns will express the evidence necessary to know for certain.
Several years ago I wrote an article called “Married to Trauma” which was written to partners and spouses of individuals who have found themselves in relationships with survivors of complex childhood trauma that seems to have taken over their relationship. You know who you are and you know the struggle is very real. Navigating a relationship infused with the effects of childhood trauma requires courage, compassion, and a commitment to healing. By setting boundaries and prioritizing individual growth, individuals can break free from the cycle of codependency and chart a path toward healthier relationships.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Susan Wilkinson on Unsplash