Think about the Garden of Eden story. You know how it goes: Adam blames Eve. Eve blames the serpent. God blames all three.
What would you think? One morning last week, I awoke and walked into my kitchen only to find my son’s backpack emptied of its contents. His books were strewn all over the floor. Seemed to me that he was just sloppy and his books fell onto the floor during the night. I asked my wife about the books and she said that she heard a crash during the night. Slam Dunk?
My first reaction was that I wondered why I didn’t hear the crash? If I was a dog, I wouldn’t be a very good dog because I sleep too soundly and don’t hear loud crashing noises (important if you are hired to be a watch dog), I tend to bark at the wrong times, and I don’t like leashes. Good thing my family thinks of me as the Father-Husband-Guy. Guard Dog is clearly not my strong suit.
When he finally awoke from his teenage coma-sleep, I asked my son what happened to his books. His immediate answer was, “Someone knocked my books out of my bag.” Hmm. Let me get this straight, Someone woke up at two o-clock in the morning and knocked his bags out of his bag just for the fun of it? Made sense to a teenager and he was quick to blame his sister for the crime.
Then I had an epiphany. This was an angels singing, rolling clouds and ray of light realization: Blaming is good, but I think that we are blaming the wrong thing. We need to stop blaming politicians, environmentalists, capitalists, terrorists, Adam, Eve, The Serpent or God. It’s time to blame Gravity.
Gravity is not your friend, people. Gravity is silent and it kills, just try running off of a cliff and see what happens. Meteorites hurt people and the repair costs can be in the millions. Gravity causes thousands of injuries every year due to slips, trips and falls.
Gravity is evil, causing wrinkles and saggy bums. Gravity is the silent enemy of agriculture, attacking apples so they fall and become bruised. Gravity constantly weighs us down.It makes us sweat when we work and even just moving around burns calories (see my piece on Humor+Usness for more calorie burning tips). Because of Gravity, even getting up to get the channel changer or a fresh bag of Doritos is a workout. Damned Gravity.
Gravity is a pessimist. It makes cereal settle at the bottom of the package, so the bag looks only ½ full. Gravity makes our muscles sag and our stomachs swell. Our once shapely Arnold Pecs fall down and become bulging beer bellies. Gravity places constant pressure on our feet, so our little footsies never get a break. They have to work constantly to keep us on the up and up. As a result, our feet never stop growing. Wrinkles, saggy bums and big feet. Not Eve’s fault, blame Gravity for it all.
Folks, Gravity is invisible, it is powerful and it is deadly. Join me and my son. Let’s blame gravity for anything that goes wrong in our lives: Click “Like” and sign up for premium membership.
Keep it real