Years ago, as part of the healing discovery, I participated in Al-Anon. After all, my dad was an alcoholic, which he revealed as I was growing up at home. Al-Anon is the support group for the family members of alcoholics, whereas Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is specifically designed for those suffering from alcoholism, those addicted to alcohol.
At the time, that was a new distinction for me. Regardless, both offered support and healing for those in suffering. Al-Anon and AA were traditional 12 step Programs, which have track records of success.
Carol, who was about 15 years older than I was, also an Al-Anon Sponsor, noticed that I kept coming to the weekly meetings. She was kind to me. Her late husband was an abusive alcoholic. Her daughter was also an alcoholic and a single mom. Consequently, she had to care for both her daughter and grandchild. I learned that alcoholism has a hereditary component. Rather, children of alcoholics are predisposed to becoming alcoholic. Carol was a retired flight attendant. Now, she dedicated her life to this work.
Carol regularly thanked her alcoholic husband for being in her life because he made her a stronger, better person. Yes, Carol was a decent, kind human being. But, WTF? Was she fucking kidding me? I certainly didn’t thank my dad for yelling and scaring the hell out of me, when I was 8 years old.
As I eventually got over myself, what Carol said began to resonate. No, she wasn’t providing her revisionist history. She actually believed in her heart what she said. Rather, she was thankful for the ground she had taken, given the trauma of living with her alcoholic husband. Not only did Carol forgive her husband for what he was, she was thankful for him for the person she was able to become. Carol was closer to sainthood instead of misguided Pollyanna’s foolishness. Just saying.
Years later, as I began working with my therapist Lance, I got that I was a trauma victim as a child. That voice in my head, “Jon, you’re not good enough” was really my dad’s voice. That had influenced me not pursuing romance or having a family, fearing that I might become a terrorizing parent to my children.
Bottom line: I did not wish my childhood upon my fiercest opponent. Yet, I did what I needed to become the greater man. I could begin to heal and forgive myself. Yeah, I had taken the road far less traveled, the path I wished no one would have to follow.
Inspired by Sensei and Mom, I forged my way following O-Sensei’s doctrine, “True victory is victory over oneself.” That path is on-going. So, yes I’m proud of my life. I’m proud of who I am, and who I can become.
That being said, am I thankful for the source of my trauma, the harsher origins? No, not really. As I said, I don’t wish my childhood upon my fiercest opponent. What I do have is profound love and respect for those who contributed to my creating my greater-than version like Sensei, like Mom, like John.
No, I’m not thankful for the source of my suffering. Instead, I am forever grateful for those who believed in me, who created the bigger space in their listening and speaking so I could evolve, so I could be okay with being just me.
Much like Sensei only asked me to be me, not him or someone else, that was the profound gift. So, I do my very best to foster the greater-than version in others too, that they themselves don’t yet distinguish. It’s what Mom and Sensei did for me. It’s what I do now.
In the bigger picture, we might all have some legacy of suffering. Yet, in that bigger, bigger picture, I leverage that adversity to grind out my greater-than version of myself. Because, in that bigger, bigger picture: Becoming greater than we know ourselves to be is our grand human design. Just saying
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Lisa – I love the photo! – Jon