The final of our six core needs (as mentioned in the first post in this series), is the need for purpose, meaning and transcendence. In The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté defines this as “knowing oneself as part of something larger than isolated, self-centered concerns, whether that something is overtly spiritual or simply universal/humanistic…or nature.”
Narcissists themselves aren’t typically aware of this need, and don’t consciously tend to seek it. Rather, their personality disorder drives them firmly toward “isolated, self-centered concerns.” And it’s hard for targets to express their own needs for larger purpose and meaning, because the purpose the narcissist wants you to have? Them, them and pretty much only them. Did I say them? (Insert ugh here.) Not only are they themselves their sole purpose, this need to be yours too.
Any other purpose or passion is a threat to the narcissist, even though your accomplishment, passions and success may have actually attracted them in the first place. Their self-focus also makes them want to attain the best “accessories” (sorry, but that’s what you are) in order to look even better. But their narcissism then make them want to kill your light and joy because the bigger you are, the smaller they feel. (See my post on self-esteem.)
Many of my coaching clients leaving narcissistic relationships come to coaching wanting to explore this part of themselves. Now that they are free from making the narcissist their sole purpose, what then, is it? What are they here for now that they’ve realized it isn’t to make a disordered person happy, or try to regulate a toxic system or family? The question becomes, who are they, and what calls them?
And so a key part of healing is to figure out, choose and pursue personal passion and purpose. As the fabulous Dolly Parton once said: “Find out who you are, and do it on purpose.” But how to do this if you’ve been worn down in a toxic relationship, workplace, and/or family? One way to start the process is to spend some time exploring your personal values, whether on your own or with a professional coach. (See this video for a coaching approach to understanding values.)
A few values questions to ponder or journal about on include:
What qualities do I admire in others? (Whatever we admire is a value we have, whether or not we feel we are doing this ourselves.)
What sort of things would I stand up for to defend someone else?
When I am annoyed or angry, what is missing from a values perspective?
What qualities have always been important to me, even as a child?
What makes me lose track of time (in a positive way)?
When I am bringing __________________ quality forth, I feel most myself.
Why focus on values? As a professional coach, I have seen over and over that this sort of exploration tells us a huge amount about who we really are, underneath the expectations, roles, and labels we been handed by the toxic people and systems around us. It’s not the whole answer to purpose and meaning, but it is a critical place to start the process of self-discovery that is so important to rebuilding ourselves. And inevitably, it leads to understanding — and hopefully living — the bigger purpose we are here for.
I want to note that it is common to have a value that you are not currently expressing (or not expressing as fully as you would like). For example, you can value Courage and recognize that it is actually low in how you are living your current life. And so the challenge is to first understand what is important to us and then, start doing small things to bring it forth. Why? When we live a life focused on trying to honor more and more of our own personal values, we are not only more purposeful, we tend to be much happier, more at peace, and more fulfilled.
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In the process of healing and need some support? Contact Ann for one-to-one coaching.
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This post was previously published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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