My wife and I are in a marriage support group called Retrouvaille. Last week it was our turn to present, and we talked about the strain that everyday chores can put on a relationship. In preparing for that talk, I started out with some of the old chestnuts like — “Marriage is not a 50–50 proposition, it is 100–100,” and “Paying for a house cleaner is cheaper than paying for a divorce.” I soon realized that regurgitating generic truisms is unlikely to help any couple trying to resolve serious issues in their relationship. I’m not saying those statements are wrong, but advice that can be relayed in a pithy tweet is rarely actionable.
Early on in our marriage we had shouting matches over routine household responsibilities. The big plates go in the back of the dishwasher, not the front. The colored laundry is washed in cold water, not warm. Never use a tea towel to grab a pan from the oven. And on and on and on. If you are in a relationship, you will have an extensive list of your own. You grew up observing the “right way” to do things around the house and so did your partner and it’s pretty damn rare that you both learned exactly the same approach to anything.
Long before our two incomes could afford it, we got someone to come in every two weeks and clean the house. It was great not to have to fight over whose turn it was to clean the bathroom or vacuum the floors but in hindsight, all we had done was give a little extra oxygen to the canary in our coal mine. We didn’t realize that our fights over chores were a proxy for anger and resentment with each other that ran bone deep. A little bit of logical thinking might have shown us that if domestic help could avoid a divorce, the separation rate for the wealthy would be zero. Luckily for us we did find a way out of the hole we were in before our marriage fully imploded. After thirty-six years together we still disagree on the best way to do some things around the house, but now our discussions are about the task and not attacks on each other.
What is still eye opening for me is the diverse ways that couples approach the division of domestic labor. My wife and I have developed a split that we think is fair. For example, I cook, she cleans up the kitchen. I wash, she folds, I iron. And so on. At first when we talked to other couples, I assumed that if one partner did most of the domestic chores that would be a clear source of friction in the relationship. Sometimes it was but I had to learn that the key to how couples successfully address the 100–100 concept (i.e., just do what needs to be done around the house and don’t keep score) is all down to communication. We have spoken to couples where one partner needs to control how the house is maintained to keep their own peace of mind. These individuals would rather do something themselves than have it done in a slightly different way by anyone else.
The key to a successful 100–100 relationship is avoiding resentment. I’ve come to learn that no matter how bizarre the division of labor may appear to me, couples who are honest in their communication and genuinely don’t resent their responsibilities around the house, are the ones who have figured it out. My wife and I are not there, but we are making progress.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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