We’ve learned to beat ourselves up for our mistakes. “How could I not see the signs? They were right there.” But if you’re in love, you will miss some details.
Love is blind. You loved the person to a point where you ignored all flaws.
The way we find solutions in the media is often about victim blaming. It’s the norm to ask hurt people about their roles in the situation.
If you see yourself in the wrong, it’s hard to see what the other person did to you. It can cause you to reenter toxic relationships because your focus is on your behavior.
Blame can make the breakup process longer. Negative feelings are heavy and harder to forget.
But gentleness with yourself after a breakup works as well.
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#1. You’re rushing the process.
“Why am I not over my ex yet?” “Why haven’t I moved on to someone else?” The ending of relationships involves unlearning habits you had with your last partner.
The more you want your feelings to go away. It has the opposite effect. It is more likely thoughts of your ex can come to you. A focus on what you don’t want creates more of this outcome.
This time is one to be kind to yourself.
Relearn to do things alone. Give yourself the grace to feel your emotions. If you’re hard on yourself, it’s natural to judge people. And to expect the worst of others and experiences.
Be kind to yourself. It’s not what you did, but how your partner reacted. What you did helped you cope, and a different (emotionally stable) partner would not have behaved like that towards you.
Pay more attention to how people behave towards you. And less about changing how you are around others. Self-kindness helps you acknowledge people’s true colors.
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Your emotional state stays the same.
Many people go from one toxic relationship to the next. I’ve also seen people escape this love loop.
It’s okay to raise your emotional intelligence even if you did nothing wrong.
It helps you project yourself differently to others. Toxic partners have almost a six sense of partners who will accept their behavior.
Once they see the signs, they often target you with love and adoration. Your partner thinks they have you and you won’t leave. Then, seem to change without warning.
Emotional security is one way to attract a partner who will value your emotions and needs. Your love style is hard to change. But learning it helps you realize why you accept certain behaviors in relationships.
Self-awareness isn’t about scrutinizing where you went wrong. It also causes you to think about what you accept from people. Ensure you hold others and ex-partners accountable for their mistakes.
While raising your standards, ensure you accept higher levels of bare minimums.
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#3. You haven’t forgiven yourself or the other person.
Closure doesn’t come from someone saying they are sorry. It’s about letting go of the emotional hold they had on you.
Why does thinking about what the person did still enrage you? Is it a case where the person could come back into your life and do it again? We can forgive when the threat of an event happening again is low.
This step ties into number 2 of raising your emotional intelligence.
Rather than hope you never fall for the same type of person again, you can control how you respond to red flags.
You can’t force forgiveness. But you forgive much easier when you don’t remain the person you were before. If you change who you date and what you expect from love, you can accept the old you and not be like that anymore.
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Thoughts about recovering from a relationship
It helps to be kind to yourself. Raise your emotional intelligence and be forgiving when recovering from past relationships.
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Thank you for reading this post.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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